Roget's real name was actually Roger - but 'Rogers The Saurus' was deemed to be an unsuitable title for such a worthy tome as he might become the victim of crass innuendo.

I have recently pitied the fool that tried to get me onto an aeroplane.

In case of infirmity in old age, I am going to buy a stair-lift to heaven, in case my staircase should prove too arduous a climb.

I have a USB cat.

I catch the Universal Serial Bus to work every morning.

The Universal Cereal Bus stops by every morning. I usually get a bowl of pure bran fiber with marshmallows.

I have a parallel port next to Portsmouth.

I cut down a tree by mistake last week. We're saving the Error Log to burn at Christmas.

"My error log is SoBig...."

The coat of arms for Bromsgrove is a guinea pig rampant and bears the Latin motto Demum, veniunt porci.

This is all true.

Bruce Forsyth actually detests the sight of other people, the sight of other people detests.

Thanks to USB compatibility I can now speak Swahili.

I have just put more RAM in my computer. He was a bit too big so his curly horns are sticking out of my floppy drive.

I have just pawned my knees to raise money to buy a new nose. My original nose was stolen by a collector of nasal hare, a rare breed of leporid.

I have an aging pop singer up my nose....that's right, Cilia Black.

Here is a picture of me on the beach with no clothes on.

The Queen secretly detests corgis, and just keeps them around for show. When no-one is looking, she thwaps them with her royal sceptre.

[snorgle] That makes Projoy proud to be Welsh.

My kaleidoscope has been spelling out secret messages to me for the last five years. Thanks to its efforts I now have a full list of Iraqi weapons deveopment sites and honest lawyers.

One of Queen Victoria's favourite recreations was sipping.

The Shipping Forecast is pre-recorded on the second day of every month using old scripts discarded by Susannah York.

Suzanne Charlton is so short that when she did television weather forecasts she had to stand on a box.

The Sipping Forecast is broadcast on Radio 4 longwave at 3.47am every day. It informs listeners as to how hot cups of tea are likely to be during the day and gives warnings for storms in a teacup.

I recently mistook my bagpies for our cat. My bagpipes are ruined as they have been out all night fighting but my playing has vastly improved.

I also play the trombone.

Personally, I specialise in playing the slide Casiotone.

I tried playing the slide rule, but wound up only being able to tell everyone the exact amount I'd got taller by.

My ISP uses a slide-rule to keep connected to the rest of the Internet. And it's always perfectly reliable, and doesn't ever drop out.

Bagpies are a traditional dish in the lowlands of Surrey. In nearby Sussex they go for the more bijou handbagpies.

The delicacy 'bagpies' is a corruption of 'bagpuss', as the pies were originally coloured in pink and yellow stripes prior to a Japanese buy out.

Parallelograms are just pentagons that have spent too much time in front of the telly and so are out of shape.

Prestatyn snails are the only gymnastic snails!

The ringtone on my mobile phone is John Cage's 4'33". Annoyingly, no-one calls anymore.

Boolbar] Are you quite sure that is not the one by Mike Batt that I have on my mobile? If you listen very carefully you can hear muffled cries of ecstasy as Mme. Cholet and Tomsk were ‘Wombling’ on top of the mixing desk while it was being recorded. This explains why the volume was turned down so low.

I have just been ratified by sixteen foreign ministers at the UN headquarters in Geneva.

Ratification is illegal in 16 states (but not Utah, where it is obligatory), the Falkland Islands, Cuba, and occasionally Budapest.

Since the surprise handover of power in Cuba last week, the inhabitants have been spending much of their time with puzzled frowns and scratched brows as they try to fathom out the town planning alterations enacted by new President, Erno Rubik. Some tower block residents have found that they have to enter their building sideways via an outside door on the fifth floor, and then are still not sure whether their flat has moved again since they left for work that morning.

In an effort to be more accessible and interesting, the UN is replacing all its international accords with international accordions.

The Accordion Plot should have been a story in Sylvester McCoy's last season in Doctor Who, but, fortunately, the BBC pulled the plug.

There was a mysterious old tramp in the tube station this morning tunelessly playing a Kyoto Protocol.