Misha Baryshnikov chose my bathroom for me and also came with me to pick out colours for the garage door.

The Canadian Dollar bill is made out of leather.

The EU Parliament generally consumes six tons of Belgian chocolate every single time it convenes.

When nobody is looking, cod prefer to swim about a metre above the surface of the water.

When nobody is looking, codpieces hover about a metre above the kilt of Watty.

Prince William weighs seventeen stone, but conceals it with clever use of makeup.

Envelopes are permitted to vote.

Music teachers all have special retractible mandibles that enable them to play big chords on the piano.

The Royal Shakespeare Company has recently run out of Shakespeares.

You can cure Alzheimer's by paddling in soup.

Clam chowder is highly explosive.

Porno for pyros mostly consists of naked flames.

This idea that you need some expensive "player" for CDs is just a con. Angle your CD correctly in alignment with the rays of the Sun and the whole solar system will resound to the beat of Roxy Music.

Contrary to popular belief, the Queen is deeply uninterested in her public and constitutional duties. She goes down the bookie's while official visits, state openings and protocol receptions are all done for her by a little man called Murgatroyd in a wig.

After downloading the latest up-dates (?) from Microsoft and having so much fun in so doing, I have to agree that this site has no humour at all.

I was flying by some men who were cleaning out ditches with Nanette Newman when she cried "Boolbar is a Fairy Princess". She grabbed me and tried to put me in a blender. When I protested, she said "but haven't you heard? Fairy liquid cleans more ditches".

Nanette Newman came round for a cup of fairy liquid this morning. She had been in a coma for 7 weeks, having been knocked unconscious by her own bra in a bizarre skateboarding accident. The soapy aroma of fairy-soft suds soon did the trick.

Flying Down to Rio was filmed in technichrome, allowing for a very exciting full range of greys.

Oranges are the only fruit. Apples and bananas are just pretending.