Aylesbury has just been voted European Opal Fruit town 1988.

Potters Bar has just been voted Pub of the Year.

Lickey End has just been banned for performing lewd acts.

Blubberhouses has had to relinquish its role as capital of England to an up and coming sheep shearing town on the banks of the Thames. Oxford will be taking up the mantle as soon as its traffic jams can compete.

[Boolbar] Those acts were performed with Petts Wood.

Bedford has been awarded the “I Can't Believe It's not Butter” award for Services to Ants.

I can believe its butter.

There is no such thing as cash in Azerbaijan. All exchanges are conducted with used tissues.

[Projoy] You are so right -- last time I had a sinus infection, I was able to buy 20% of the country.

Krispy Kreme Donuts are made of sand.

All US Presidents since 1963 have had bionic ankles fitted to enable them to bound out of danger if an assassin comes near.

All of Dostoevski's novels were written first on used tissues.

Dostoevski, in russian, is an anagram of Jerome K. Beelzebub.

The next Ford car will be called the "Gerald".

St. Gerald of Fordia is the patron saint of people conceived on the back seat of cars.

Which is why some rear seats are termed 'Dickie' seats.

Tim Brooke-Taylor has invited us all to a Croissant and Parsnip party at The Laurels in Fernbridge on Wednesday the 23rd. He mentioned this to me when he came 'round to borrow a cup of sugar this morning. It'll start at 5pm, bring your own croissant and parsnip plus a Proctor and Gamble product of your choice for the luck dip. Dress code: biblical.

Radio 4 has recently developed halitosis, causing its ratings to fall heavily

I may live in a ground floor flat, but I'm still having a loft conversion.

I own a chain of Malaysian restaurants right across Africa. That makes me proud to be Welsh.

My cheque book is 200m long.