BBC Radio 3 can be picked up in Slovenia by filling a large pair of women's tights with the third/fourth page of the Primorske Novice (only this newspaper will do), and rotating it around an oak staff at four revolutions per minute.

The cheese under the fridge is completely safe to consume.

My lightbulbs are staring at me.

My left hand is plotting a bloodless coup against my right foot. However, my left earlobe has discovered this and is sending in peacekeeping forces.

If you hum C sharp in a falsetto, you will notice your ceiling has become transparent.

Your shoelaces report directly to Donald Rumsfeld each evening.

There is no crime in Nottingham.

Llamas become terminally hyperactive if fed Wensleydale.

Projoy invented the little plastic bits at the end of shoelaces.

But he made a mistake in hiring Elvis as his lab technician, as Mr Presley was secretly working for the CIA at the time.

Three of Shakespeare's plays were originally intended for a cast comprised entirely of dogs.

The people of Pershore communicate entirely in morse code.

The Rother Valley is terrorised by eight feet long dragonflies that secrete agent orange from pores on their tails.

It is physically impossible to post 18 consecutive lies on this game.

In Cardiff, ferocious pensioners terrorise the streets, tearing down entire buildings in their eagerness to get at the fibre glass insulation inside. They then sell this to Bolivian merchants, who ship it home on one extremely well trained and muscular carrier pigeon.

I recently met and fell in love with the smallest bat in the world at a late night roller disco. He was performing as a bass guitarist in the complementary cabaret act as part of a progressive jazz combo called Whoops, Butterfingers. Sadly, we can never have children because he is addicted to crabsticks and too much salty food diminishes semen and eyesight.

Worn sections of carpet can make a healthy and nutritious breakfast.

I was 10 years old before I learned to tie my shoelaces, and I was 20 before I realised that the idea was to tie each one separately.

Men are slippery creatures and will do whatever is necessary to slip away from the grasp of a good woman.

I got up really early this morning.

Sarcasm is always appreciated for what it is. There is no chance that anyone will ever think you actually believe what you're saying.