The 'Woodhouse' Technique is illegal in most southern U.S. States and is in fact punishable by death in Texas - like most things.

I recently converted to the 'Woodhouse' Technique. As a testimonial to its effectiveness, I am happy to say that I am now the proud father of twin otters.

Otters are sexually attracted to fish. They only kill them by accident because of their bungled attempts at fellatio.

I keep a pet water otter in my kitchen. I call her "Kettle".

Kettle is the ancient Mesopotamian Goddess of farting. Hence the phrase "Pot calling the kettle black" is an alternative version of "He who smelt it, dealt it". This is all very important should you ever do Anthropology.

I lied about doing a full house across the front page. There are games I do not understand. Instead, I streaked through Mornington Crescent.

Streaking is named after the Danish maiden Helena Strieker the first known exponent of the exhibitionist art form.

I keep pet water in a bowl in my lounge. Periodically, I take it out for a splash on the pavement. My last pet water dried up in the sun.

When my pet water dies, I will probably flush it down the lavatory.