I celebrate my birday by massaging my teeth with a mixture of lemon juice and salt, using a piece of aluminium foil.

after today's exploits, I think I might become a train conductor. it seems so much fun. in an unrelated note, i'm in love with all three of arriva trains wales, virgin trains and first great western trains.

Lay Lady Lay is a tribute song by Bob Dylan to an egg-bound hen.

Seagulls composed the main part of Gordon Brown's budget.

i have an unexplainable fear of bungelows

pelgis is so scared of bungalows, he(she?) won't even spell the word correctly.

Help help! Retail store fashion mannequins from Next and Burtons have just burst through the door and are shooting everyone with their hands! I reckon that the Birmingham wheel has been used as some kind of mega transmitter device by aliens capable of turning plastic into organic life forms and controlling them with the aim of annihilating humanity! Now where did I leave that bottle of cellulose thinners?

Ha! Fooled you.

i am neither male nor female, my composition is as follows-: wool 28%, tar 16%, lead 17%, digestive biscuit crumbs 13%, vinegar 89%

My only response to anything people tell me is "thanks for sharing".

Scientists have conclusively proved that the most satisfied a human can be is when it has removed all the grit from under its fingernails, provided there are no oranges in the vicinity.

"Tuj" is actually aboriginal for "thanks for sharing".

By rubbing in a tablespoon of lemon juice, a tablespoon of malt vinegar and a tablespoon of single malt whiskey to a stain on white or pale fabric, one can easily add three new types of stain to one's laundry!

My friend Scott is not the living embodiment of Doctor Who.

Tomato ketchup has nipples, it turns out.

John Wayne is alive, well and living in Will Smith's guest annexe.

i often lick stamps when I have nothing to mail

i operate my own trampoline, with all the appropriate permits

The ladies tell me I'm really good in bed- lastnight I slept for almost an hour without falling out of it.....