... whereas caged guinea pigs are likely to spontaneously combust if subjected to the first fifteen bars of Nirvana's Smells Like Teen Spirit.

It is forbidden by law to remove a carpenters bicycle saddle, unless you intend to replace it with a red onion.

It is forbidden by law to purchase a single red onion. They may only be bought in quantities of two or more.

In Macclesfield you can only buy red onions if you also buy seventeen herrings, and give the correct password.

Not all onions are easily read, fortunately these are available in braille for the seeing impaired.

h4xxORZ r00l ur @$$

Computer viruses were predicted by Nostrodamus according to Erica Cheetham in her book The Nostradamus Codex - A Translation For A New Millenium. Book 4 century 52 is now redacted to read:
The silent press ascendant
The New World talks to Naples
Diminutive maleness abolished for all
A great crashing around the world

and book 7 century 3 has been translated as:
The first will be last
Gill T. Base ascendant o'er all
The world falls at his feet
At this time a buffer underrun exploit shall undoeth I.E. e'en after XP SP2

Norstradamus was patial to wearing high heeled shoes and being called 'Susie' most weekends, and bank holidays. It is with great shame that one of his lesser known publications, penned while in this guise, entitled "It's only a vegetable" failed to even sell one copy.

It is generally accepted that Nostradamus was immune to Bubonic Plague (or as it was known to him, "La Plague Bubonique) but what is not so widely known is that Nostradamus was a martyr to athlete's foot. Indeed, the savant comments on this himself according to Erica Cheetham in her 1978 translation Visions of Apocalypse: The Centuries of Nostradamus. From Book 2, century 37:
Mischance assails the master from all sides
Prudent choice of footware avails naught
Nor medicinal creams soothe
At this time the podiatrists are whipped through the streets

Pelgis' keyboard has come over all queer. It's got wandering rs syndrome.

So has my friend Scott, but we don't talk about it.

Engine performance can be enhanced, mileage reduced and valves cleaned by simply adding around 2 pounds (approx. 1 Kilo) of ordinary household white sugar to a each full tank of petrol. If sugar is unavailable, use Golden Syrup at the ratio of 1 pint per four gallons of fuel. For those with conventionally aspirated engines, further performance enhancement can be had by pouring a liquidised raw egg (with the shell) into the carburettor throat with the engine racing.

I've just been to the gym.

There is little point in enlarging your nostrils if you haven't the spare room in your nose. If you require an extension to your nose, try the yellow pages. (Is that approximately right?)

On the other hand, no-one is going to try and stop you

I wonder whether you have ever been driving and, on cresting a hill, found a wonderful vista spread out before you; one of those scenes which makes you feel totally at peace with the world and gives you the impression that you can fly. I have. The car, of course, was a write off.

Nose extensions fall under the parliamentary bill passed in 1972 which prevents any nose over 65 being extended more than two inches without the consent of any persons sharing conjugal space, work space or a car with the owner of said appendage.

Pinocchio was sixty-four.

I'm truly looking forward to giving my seminar presentation this week. I feel confident, calm and prepared, and the presentation itself is full of interesting insights and structured analysis of Chekhov's writing.