The film "Total Recall" is a complex allegory of the political system of Uzbekistan, where the Upper Uzbeks hold life and death control over the majority of the population there. The analogy between corporate control of air and water in the film and the Upper Uzbeks' stranglehold on the supply of retsina and marshmallow is plain to see. One day the Lower Uzbeks will gain easy access to those rich deposits in the Ramalamadingdong Range...

Purple is just blue that has failed its purity test.

Bumble bees can go as long as twenty minutes without making a mistake.

Mistakes are what I eat for my evening meal when the wife goes away.

A 'Continental Breakfast' is a wonderful welcome to the new day and is a terrific introduction to local produce, delicacies and the like.

'Breakfast' and 'lunch' are marketing terms designed to loosen your wallet stud. 'Tea' on the other hand is a euphemism for 'Over the yard arm'. An invitation to 'Dinner' means 'We're having a piss-up, would you like to come?'

Should someone send you an invite with "BYO" appended it means it's a serious dinner.

I once received an invitation, which I accepted, to some sort of 'do' organised to recognise the contributions made by the Scots and Irish - along with a salute to the 'Little General' - to current world economics. Unfortunately the only thing that I can remember about the whole episode was waking in a hospital bed.

Parmesan cheese was invented as a form of torture for those with sensitive noses.

Asparagus is a more refined form of Parmesan cheese. (qv)

The myth that oysters are an aphrodisiac was initiated by a woman.

In the army the term 'short back and sides' means that the barber will turn you into a lean, mean fighting machine.

Skinheads are people with floppy faces.