i like clocking squirrels upsidethe headwith a baseball bat.

my spacebar workswell.

MYCAPSLOCKISSTUCKANDMYSPACEBARDOESN'TWORKEITHER.

I went to a space bar but there was no one there so I had a glass with nothing in it.

Squirrel = target practice.

I've been mising for 9 days! No one noticed, including me! I wonder where I went? Ah well, I hope I had a good time whatever I was doing............

[belated telegraph] ATTENTION HOOMANS! IF YOU EVER WISH TO SEE YOUR PAL WIDEY AGAIN AGREE TO OUR DEMANDS WITHOUT DELAY! *check* ONE GAZILLION TON OF PICKLED HERRING *check* SOUTH POLE *check* DROP SHIPMENT *check* FEAR US! ... OUR ARMIES ARE AMASSING! *check* [by order of His Majesty The Emperor Penguin]

Surrender all of your WMD's (Weapons of Mackerel Destruction) or face the consequences.

By the way, you don't have any oil down there, do you?

Lol...........its all coming back now! I was abducted by thePLA. I thought it was all a bit fishy!!!!

I have a fish with legs..........her name is Wanda ! She often pops out to get the morning paper...........

I have the power to have Jon Culshaw beheaded.

Jon Culshaw is really George W Bush - that's not an impression.

If you could turn your knee caps to face backwards, it would be possible to kick yourself in the head.............

Wild bird food does no such thing! I have found the birds act the same after eating it!

I witnessed a bloke drink himself under the table ... but once past the neck, he found it difficult to swallow himself any further. After kicking it about the pub for a bit, we agreed [arbitrarily] the head [by which I mean the cranium] would make an excellent spittoon. [It has!]

With the addition of a few forks a Spittoon makes a wonderful impromptu fondu set...........

Fondue is Swedish for sinal fluid

"Mama, pass out dem biscuits ... i done brung home de fondue!"

As a master of disguise, I have enjoyed a long career in the movies. I began in 1964 as Dick van Dyke's bamboo stick in 'Mary Poppins'. I then went on to play other classic roles: John Voight's hat in 'Midnight Cowboy', Clint Eastwood's shoulder holster in all five 'Dirty Harry' movies, Chewbacca's ammunition belt in the first 'Star Wars' film, Indiana Jones' bullwhip in 'The Last Crusade', Bruce Willis' vest in the first two 'Die Hard' films and the iceberg in 'Titanic'. More recently I have played Aragorn's left boot in the 'Lord of the Rings' trilogy.

It never rains in Glasgow.