I have a friend who can impersonate an owl whilst standing on a stick. At parties, he then falls out of a tree into a ditch. What A Scream.

< /lie > Oh dear, what have I done?< lie >

I always wanted to be the meaning of life..........but we have to wait another 2 years before I hit the magic number 42!!! I can practice in the meantime.....

Stacy Keach.............is infact a girl!!!

If you stand at the entrance of box tunnel on IK's birthday, just as the sun rises...........your liable to be run over by an express train. I know I have the bruises to prove it!

I live in Sheffield, Yorkshire - which is in fact under water. I have always lived under water. My soul is drawn to large bodies of water – as it is a primary ingredient of custard and custard allows me to think more clearly and connect with 'the other side'.

I was led to Sheffield by my spirit guide, the shade of Adolf Hitler. I had never thought about moving to Sheffield - but once I came to the building in which I now live, I felt the energies created by the water, saw the 'Barley' style tiles in the bathroom and saw how close it was situated to an excellent budget ‘white goods’ department store, then Hitler told me I was home.

Hakan Yakin is the fifth member of the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Thursday is Milk Day.

In Gibraltar, London is known as "The City of Mangles".

Its a little known fact that Wayne Rooney is an expert "spoon" player. He's known in rock circles as Roon the Loon!! Sol Campbell used to play in a "Dixie style" jug band.................well done lads.............

But not all the England squad are so musical. Gary and Phil were kicked out of the Neville Brothers because Gary's voice was always a little flat and Phil couldn't keep the beat going for longer than 5 bars. Before they were run out of town they were forced to undergo skin whitening treatment so that no-one would ever associate them with New Orleans first family of funk. The skin whitening treatment also had a miraculous effect of making them look a lot younger than they really are. They lived in Salford for 15 years before becoming naturalised British citizens and their real ages are 47 and 52 respectively.

Power-tools may be over compensating for a lack of sexual prowess.

Wal-mart cart pushers get all the women, chicks dig the orangevest.

Sorry, it's never worked for me. The only thing I ever pulled was a thigh muscle.

you have to be crazy to work at walmart, it is in the fine print on the bottom of page two.

there are many unpleasent people who shop at walmart, these people cannot be found at any other store, this is why we pass out small happyface stickers, they work as shields, protecting the next generation from the bad walmart mojo.

Clouds are the debris left over from exploding fairies.

Grass purrs when you mow it.

That Rooney kid - what a plank!