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... so help me God.
help
I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...
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The Queen, as is well known, never goes to the toilet, but less well known is the reason, which is that she only has one buttock.
Princess Diana knew her marriage was a sham when she caught Charles cross dressing in one of Camilla's ballgowns.
My grandmother was a lighthouse keeper because she would never do any heavy dusting or polishing..
The Albert Memorial was modelled from playdough, and was going to be changed every day into a new shape relating to an aspect of the Prince Consort's life. Sadly, the sculptor left it out overnight on the first day and it went hard...
My great grandfather lost his job as a lighthouse keeper because he kept closing the curtains at night so he could get so sleep.
The Eddystone lighthouse is so named because it was the original site for "Eddy the Eagle's" venture into ski jumping.
Alcohol killed the cat.
Piste is not a noun but an adjective.
Your good is my jelly.
Ian Thorpe trains in a swimming pool of strawberry flavoured jelly.
Onions are the Devil's blackheads.
Nothing beats stale dubbin for that extra zest in home made rice pudding.
Trebor Mints can no longer be used as emergency replacement buttons by Pearly Kings and Queens.
My next series of lies will feature some hidden mathematical progression in the number of words or syllables, just because.
"You've Been Framed" is to be awarded the Booker Prize.
Creative juices flow like water from a smashed cucumber, as long as the cucumber is at least forty days old and has been kept in a used running shoe.
"Triumvirate" means "suffering from three colds at once"./
Only you can make this world seem right.
Only you can make my darkness bright.
It has been discovered that Justin Hawkins is in fact Stephen Hawking thrown into a vat of Hair Restorer, which incidentally is the cure for Motor Neurone Disease.
All your bees are belong to us, so can we have some honey?
My hovercraft is full of eels.
I only come here to cart away the free fertilizer.
Falstaff] Cobblers. You come here for the erotic messages hidden in the source code. Like I do.
I come here for the Cobblers.
It has been discovered that my floor joists are made of batter that has been superheated and compressed.
If you show a wasp a current copy of TV Quick, it will not sting you.
To guarantee good feng shui in your bedroom, place a hundredweight of soil on top of your wardrobe.
The dome of St. Paul's cathedral was cast in one piece from a mould made from Dolly Parton's right tit.
Apricots were introduced into this country from South America in 1986 by my Uncle Dessie.
Jelly fish are neither fish nor made of jelly, they are infact a strange kind of rabbit introduced by the Asgarth on a trip back from Zlygex9 in the vood quadrant of our galaxy!
A handful of roast peanuts contains more calcium than the combined white cliffs of Dover.
A thousand million beefeaters have just amassed outside my window and are all looking in at me.
Jumpers are the new underpants.
Scooters suffer terribly from loneliness and should be kept in their own scooter run with at least three companions whenever not in use. Kissing the handlebars of your scooter probably won't help, but is a naughty way to have fun.
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