I'm so embarrassed! I've been duped by a salesman into buying a rubber replica mobile phone. What is worse is that he has also replaced my entire family with rubber replicas too. Still, at least they are ‘bendy’.

Cindy is the word Americans use for sweat.

Bread sticks, are actually made form 50 year old oak twigs!

Twiglets. No more to add.

After years of slavish work, Jane Brucker has finally been awarded a ten-album record contract.

Marshmallows are mostly farmed in the Norfolk Broads. Specially trained hunter gerbils pick the delicate creatures out of the marshes, whistle for assistance and make it back to dry land by clinging to a tiny rope ladder suspended from a helicopter. In this way it is possible to harvest almost thirty marshmallows a day.

Aha, so thats how it is done Projoy. In North America, [we do it differently of course] the choicest marshmallows are not farmed as they are captured from the wild. In southeast Alabama for example, it is possible to acquire as many as sixteen in one outing by startling a jackalope [i.e. antlered marsh hare] through a canebrake and then bringing it down with a highpowered rifle or slingshot. Not only are the marshmallows of a superior size but they come pre-mounted on antlers that [once sawed free] can be used to roast the tasty varmints. Harvest is tempered however, by the recent legislation of a one jackalope per season per person game law.

The Queen, as is well known, never goes to the toilet, but less well known is the reason, which is that she only has one buttock.

Princess Diana knew her marriage was a sham when she caught Charles cross dressing in one of Camilla's ballgowns.

My grandmother was a lighthouse keeper because she would never do any heavy dusting or polishing..

The Albert Memorial was modelled from playdough, and was going to be changed every day into a new shape relating to an aspect of the Prince Consort's life. Sadly, the sculptor left it out overnight on the first day and it went hard...

My great grandfather lost his job as a lighthouse keeper because he kept closing the curtains at night so he could get so sleep.

The Eddystone lighthouse is so named because it was the original site for "Eddy the Eagle's" venture into ski jumping.

Alcohol killed the cat.

Piste is not a noun but an adjective.

Your good is my jelly.

Ian Thorpe trains in a swimming pool of strawberry flavoured jelly.

Onions are the Devil's blackheads.

Nothing beats stale dubbin for that extra zest in home made rice pudding.

Trebor Mints can no longer be used as emergency replacement buttons by Pearly Kings and Queens.

My next series of lies will feature some hidden mathematical progression in the number of words or syllables, just because.

"You've Been Framed" is to be awarded the Booker Prize.

Creative juices flow like water from a smashed cucumber, as long as the cucumber is at least forty days old and has been kept in a used running shoe.

"Triumvirate" means "suffering from three colds at once"./

Only you can make this world seem right.

Only you can make my darkness bright.

It has been discovered that Justin Hawkins is in fact Stephen Hawking thrown into a vat of Hair Restorer, which incidentally is the cure for Motor Neurone Disease.

All your bees are belong to us, so can we have some honey?

My hovercraft is full of eels.

I only come here to cart away the free fertilizer.

Falstaff] Cobblers. You come here for the erotic messages hidden in the source code. Like I do.

I come here for the Cobblers.

It has been discovered that my floor joists are made of batter that has been superheated and compressed.

If you show a wasp a current copy of TV Quick, it will not sting you.

To guarantee good feng shui in your bedroom, place a hundredweight of soil on top of your wardrobe.

The dome of St. Paul's cathedral was cast in one piece from a mould made from Dolly Parton's right tit.

Apricots were introduced into this country from South America in 1986 by my Uncle Dessie.