I had a courgette and pineapple chew-bar for breakfast this morning.

In Britain the roads do not have a right-hand side, and all bends turn clockwise.

[Pnnrojnnoy] Fnnizzeep! Yizibble!

The fifth month has recently been renamed "Should"

All water on Earth is called Mike.

[Thos] That's not even funnier once you actually figure it out.

George Bush's given first name was Rachel.

All you need to make your own helicopter is a bag of dried banana chips and an octopus.

[flerdle] Psst. You forgot the packet of grass seeds.

Projoy] Psst. The grass seed are only required if you have have a Premiere Tofu account with HSBC bank or a horse.

Obviously, that should have read "if you have have a Premiere Tofu account with a horse, or HSBC bank."

Following a recount, it was recently discovered there were only six seas and a big pond.

The phrase "Wham! Bam! Strawberry Jam!" is actually a prophecy from the mid-14th century made by a delirious fishwife-turned-wisewoman about some period of the future. She always made these outbursts in threes, which is why she was never prosecuted as a witch (she maintained that one prophecy came from each of the members of the Trinity) and they have since been interpreted as referring to consecutive decades. So far, scholars have identified certain aspects related to world and entertainment events but are somewhat perplexed by the final idea.

My Human Resources Department at work have all been issued with personnel stereos.

Somewhere in the lonely streets of Minsk a man with a spade in his head is beating up a victim with a large coffee cup. Could this be another case for Attila the Pun?

I have been asked to make an official statement of apology by my solicitors after finding out that there is, in fact, a gentleman in Minsk who is now suffering severe injuries from an attack of the above nature. I am sorry if my remarks seemed tactless.

Whilst I would like to echo the sentiments of ZK, I cannot. I have never libelled, slandered, demeaned or snubbed any person during my visit to this planet.

Mike Oldfield seldom talks about his first album, Cubular Bells, as it's generally regarded as a bit square (although a solid piece of work).

I'm so embarrassed! I've been duped by a salesman into buying a rubber replica mobile phone. What is worse is that he has also replaced my entire family with rubber replicas too. Still, at least they are ‘bendy’.