If everyone pointed at Luton simultaneously, Guatemala would cease to exist.

I am pointing at Luton right now, as I do every night at this hour.

Rice Crispies hold the eternal secrets to life.

Anadin never made anybody hyper.

Her Majesty the Queen had a surprise Christmas hit with the song "Easy Tiger" in 1952, although this record has sadly been forgotten. I found a copy of it in a vintage music store last Easter and plan to release a garage re-mix version next Monday. I at least guarantee that it will be better than "Mysterious Girl".

Sergei Prokofiev taught sewing, until he discovered how to compose music whilst humming along to very boring silent movies during the First World War, when there was a shortage of cinema pianists in Russia.

When taken as a suppository, strawberries have been found to cure gout.

Tigers prefer mango biscuits.

Tragically, Tony the Tiger is a diabetic.

"The Twelve Days of Christmas" is actually a skit written by a sarcastic bailiff.

Grapes think they're sooooo clever...

The Emperor Caligula made fairycakes and bred kittens, two special talents which he passed on to his nephew, Nero. Nero was very fond of ballet.

Greece is a myth invented by the Chinese.

Teatowels soaked in balsamic vinegar have been known to bring the deceased back to life.

Angora rabbits are actually sheep bred on wheatgrass, fabric softener and Daz.

Cabbage are a dying art. Each one is meticulously hand-crafted by 20 specially trained octopi, which is why they are such a delicacy in Bulgaria.

My hat, it has three corners. Hence it being my hat.

LaToya Jackson plans to be the first human being to circumnavigate the earth strapped to the blades of a helicopter.

The real Graham Norton is living as a nun somewhere in the depths of Walthamstow. Bizarrely, so are at least eight fake ones.

Contrary to popular belief, Jaffa Cakes are the windows to the soul.

Ironically, the largest growth industry in Tel Aviv is a line of Christian bookshops.

Not surprisingly, a Christian bookshop has opened up on the grave of Benjamin Disraeli.

Those of the Jewish faith are flocking to watch Mel Gibson's latest film and are praising its realism and the manner in which it follows their basic beliefs. The Pope, on the other hand, said something which sounded like "Bluesheets", which one can only assume relates to Jesus' shroud.

Isreal is thinking of changing its name to Unreal and Palestine to Palestein.

Palestine was originally going to be called Palpatine, because they wanted to be able to shoot lightning from their fingertips, which would have been very cool.