I don't want to re-write my last sentence to say "Note that Bristol, Tennessee has the stupidest NASCAR track in the country. Whoever believes that 43 cars on a half-mile-long, 36-degree-banked paperclip is proper racing and good entertainment must be insane."

I agree. I agree and once more..I agree!

Argh! There was a sale on today, and they were selling the matching Bristol! I was blinded by low prices and now I have a pair of Bristols and no idea what to do with them!

We have no idea what to do with them either.

After becoming a dedicated vegan, I have stopped wearing leather shoes and now use bowls of soup instead.

I have a teeny reticule made of bread that I call my "handbaguette"

Having been on the Adkins diet for some time, I have turned my toaster into a planter. My crocuses should bloom in a month or so.

I haven't heard enough about the Atkins Diet.

Carbohydrates have been outlawed in Burbank, California.

I am on a diet and have so far lost 3 stone

This regime I'm following is not a diet, honest.

Its amazing what you can find in the back of the fridge when you eventually get round to clearing it out. This morning I found a roll of parchment in a ceramic jar, a rather small horse, three evacuees and the Mars-lander ‘Beagle’.

I once discoverd a herd of miniture Highland cattle wandering around inside my bread bin. It was some time later that I found out I had sprinkled my chips with Benilyn instead of vinegar!

An uncooked turkey neck will, if left in the back of the refrigerator for three to four months, turn into a live squirrel. These squirrels are quite content to remain in their refrigerator habitat, provided you give them a scarf and four tiny mittens. Of course, you must also allow them the run of the vegetable and fruit drawer.

Alligators are always the first to colloborate with any repressive government or foreign occupier.

The land of Italy is actually entirely populated by ladybirds. They are masters of disguise.

But Sicily was taken over in the 1970s by revolutionary aphids. The Fanatical Aphid Radical Triumvirate has ruled the island ever since.

This is quite serious as the F.A.R.T., whilst somewhat on-the-nose to many, is more than just a lot of hot air.

Whilst my armchairs are stuffed with horsehair, my sofa contains the rest of the animal, which makes it slightly unpleasant to sit on in the summer months.

The Queen owns just 66% of the land in the UK. The remainder is owned by Noele Gordon.

I'm going to pass my exams (exam stress bock declared.)

I love exams. The best part is the glowing feeling you get when you've revised well and are sure you're going to pass.

For me, the best feeling is at the moment when you open the paper and read those glorious, glorious questions for the very first time.

Eggs and Hams..........MMmmmmmmmmmm yum, can't wait!

The exam I feel I did best at in my whole life was my GCSE Greek. I had revised for weeks you see, and I cared very deeply about what happened to Demosthenes and his pals. I also knew Homer's Iliad off by heart.