Alright, I admit it. I'm Graeme Garden.

I've been to the office every day this week.

In Septober I shall be jetting of to the sunny island of Majolica!

Ladies, please stop being so eager to express yourselves in public using flatulence.

I am not going to spend silly amounts of money in Bristol today.

I have plenty of money to spend in Bristol, if I head in that direction.

I purchased Bristol by mistake when I was out trying to find my Mum a birthday present. It's still in its original wrapping but they won't take it back, and now I've nowhere to put it.

I lost the art of Bristol purchase when I was very young.

I, too, purchased Bristol, but I bought a cheap model and it broke down. I chose to play a prank on The South by putting it on the border of Virginia and Tennessee...but they didn't get it.
Note that Bristol, Tennessee has the stupidest NASCAR track in the country. Whoever believes that 43 cars on a half-mile-long, 36-degree-banked paperclip must be insane.

I don't want to re-write my last sentence to say "Note that Bristol, Tennessee has the stupidest NASCAR track in the country. Whoever believes that 43 cars on a half-mile-long, 36-degree-banked paperclip is proper racing and good entertainment must be insane."

I agree. I agree and once more..I agree!

Argh! There was a sale on today, and they were selling the matching Bristol! I was blinded by low prices and now I have a pair of Bristols and no idea what to do with them!

We have no idea what to do with them either.

After becoming a dedicated vegan, I have stopped wearing leather shoes and now use bowls of soup instead.

I have a teeny reticule made of bread that I call my "handbaguette"

Having been on the Adkins diet for some time, I have turned my toaster into a planter. My crocuses should bloom in a month or so.

I haven't heard enough about the Atkins Diet.

Carbohydrates have been outlawed in Burbank, California.

I am on a diet and have so far lost 3 stone