I constantly sacrifice to the common good. I was arrested for it recently in Wigan.

I am distraught at the return of Good News / Bad News, as the last time I played it I too was arrested in Wigan.

I've never been arrested in Wigan, only with a wig on.

I was arrested in a Wigwam, once.

I was arrested with Terry Wogan, but that was a separate incident.

Club 1830 is a group of 19th Century enthusiasts who gather together every couple of years to re-enact the Committee stages of the repeal of the Corn Laws.

Club Med is a group of bored Doctors who roam holiday resorts for inebriated youths and remove their kidneys for quick sale.

I was one of those inebriated youths. Luckily, when I arrived at the hospital for treatment a kidney had just been delivered that was a perfect match.

I once found a perfect match - perfect in dimension, colour, composition and chemical balance. I kept it mounted in a glass frame above my living room window but it was reclaimed by the bailiffs three years ago, who discovered that it had been crafted in the workshops of Alexander the Great, and it now stands in the Hall of Fame in the Museum of Pyrotechnics in Droitwich.

I once invented a universal solvent, but I couldn't find anything to keep it in.

Last week I successfully patented the sky.

I have patented the lie. You lot owe me a hell of a lot of money. Then I'm off to Parliament...

Well I patented fiction, so you all owe me money

You can walk across quicksand as long as you show no fear. Quicksand can smell fear. Oh, and whistling won't help, it just annoys it.

I patented patenting. Cough up, lads.

I had prior art to defeat Tuj's patent, but someone had already patented the research of prior art and they want me to pay an exorbitant licence fee.

I conducted extensive research and realised that the Latin, Greek, Cyrillic and Arabic alphabets have never been patented, nor any other existing systems of recording language or numerology. My patent for all of them came through today, which also means that I get paid for all patents. I am now *minted* and am dictating to a secretary as my fingers are far too valuable to waste on such menial tasks as typing.

Letters were invented by Al Ferbets and it took him a year @ 1 per fortnight hence 26. He then started on numbers but died just as he reached umpteen.

Alan Titchmarsh is to star in a new programme called 'Gardeners Whirled'. In the first programme Charlie Dimmock will spend 10 minutes in a tumble drier.

In the next programme Monty Don will slide down the world's largest corkscrew hazel.

[FG] I wouldn't pay to see that.

Rachel de Thame and Nigella Lawson are the same person.

Charlie Dimmock has been chosen as the next model for Wonderbra

I have just patented the backless, strapless, cupless bra. It consists of two stick-on underwires.

Liz Hurley will be wearing it at the next premiere she goes to.

I was going to have Turkey for dinner but I don't think I've got enough chairs.

[plump - brilliant!] I was going to have Cher for dinner but I don't think I've got enough turkeys.

I was wandering through the wilderness in North America some years ago now on one of my naturist breaks, but I am very worried as I have a serious body hair problem about which I am very sensitive, and I have just heard that video footage of me had been in circulation for some time now. I want all copies recalled, and I object strongly to the names I have been called. I would also like to apologise to anyone who caught sight of me in a similar fashion in the Himalayas, or skinny-dipping in the Scottish Highlands, and for any undue distress it may have caused. Oh, and if my habit of practicing with my luminous frisbees at night has brought about any annoyance, I express my sincerest regrets for that too. And Mr Presley also sends his humblest apologies.

[ZK] What about Lord Lucan?

[LotUS] Currently alive, well, and manning the fries in a McDonalds in Greater Manchester.

[ZK] Thanks for letting me and Amelia stick around your place for a while, but we've got to head to Osama's pad for a while.

People called Alan are 10 times more likely than people called Brian.

[Jimmy] I hear that the US army are getting ever closer to tracking him down.

FG] Daves are irregular, Garys are possible but Keiths are definite.

[ZK] No they're not

does he have a dog called Jess?? or is that a cats name????

[widey] < / l i e > Postman Pat's cat was called Jess.

"Jess" was actually short for "Jezebel".

I am not glad to be finally home after having had to work Christmas Eve.

All my presents are now wrapped and sitting neatly under the Christmas tree, and my mother has finally managed to stick to her word and not buy too many things.

Oops.....I wrapped my tree and its now sitting under the presents!! Ok I Lied. I don't have any presents....