Although most people think of tomatoes as a vegetable, they are actually a sort of weasel.

I eat five grapes a day, then go out for pizza.

I eat five pizzas a day and then go out for grapes.

I take five days to eat a pizza and grapes are out of the question.

It might be my age (well matured by the cask) but in my case gropes are totally out of the question.

Santas workshop has been closed down under elfin safety legislation.

Apparently Santa has a little sideline in quality venison.

Children who've been naughty get coke. Neat, huh?

Diluted, usually.

After their recent merger, Santa Incorporated has requested that all wish-lists be filed in triplicate, no later than November first. Shipping will be provided by FedEx.

He's been merged with the National Elf Service

Santa is thinking of relocating the operation. It seems that the business world is changing and he needs to have a presence in several different countries. The elves have threatened to strike, believing that it's just a plot to keep them from forming a union.

I take all my grievances to a trade onion. It helps me cry and get over them.