mc5 - ... so help me God.

Projoy

I have grown my own house out of mushrooms and am going to spend my retirement living there and eating it, with the bathroom last.

Tina

After I went on the Adkins diet, I built a house out of the contents of pasta boxes in my cupboard.

Zooological Keeper

I once crafted a 1:1 scale model of the Eiffel Tower entirely out of toothpicks, but a big bad wolf came and blew it down.

Riff

I've got a full-scale portrait of Herve Villechaize tattooed on my back.

Bob the dog

I'm not too happy about the government’s 'Five-a-day' campaign. I can only just manage twice, and then I need a cup of malted milk and two hours rest in between.

Zooological Keeper

I have absolutely no difficulty in sticking to the five-a-day programme. I can drink up to a pint of juice by myself in just a few hours.

Ibid

I've had no problem since they redesignated Guinness as a fruit.

Angus Prune

A whole bottle of syrup of figs counts as one of your five-a-day

Riff

Although most people think of tomatoes as a vegetable, they are actually a sort of weasel.

Tina

I eat five grapes a day, then go out for pizza.

Kim

I eat five pizzas a day and then go out for grapes.

Zooological Keeper

I take five days to eat a pizza and grapes are out of the question.

Dujon

It might be my age (well matured by the cask) but in my case gropes are totally out of the question.

plump

Santas workshop has been closed down under elfin safety legislation.

Poisoned Pigeon

Apparently Santa has a little sideline in quality venison.

Kim

Children who've been naughty get coke. Neat, huh?

Zooological Keeper

Diluted, usually.

Riff

After their recent merger, Santa Incorporated has requested that all wish-lists be filed in triplicate, no later than November first. Shipping will be provided by FedEx.

Poisoned Pigeon

He's been merged with the National Elf Service