I loved my job in the neon light factory. It was a gas!

I used to work at a funeral palour until I was sacked for being late.

I used to pluck ducks but the job got me down.

It have been looking in here every day recently. My brother and his friends didn't circulate some emails last year with some excessively clean and unfunny job description puns and I'm not at all tempted to post them in here. They simply aren't rude enough.

I actually became a tree surgeon due to a flash of inspiration - I was leafing through the job adverts when suddenly I twigged.

I used to be a p0rn star, but I couldn't keep it up. I tried to go into menswear sales but was told I was unsuited.

To reach my tree surgery helpline, dial a trunk call.

I can't. I'm a failed plumber, and all my calls are tapped.

I used to be a professional masturbator, but I just couldn't hold my own.

I had to give up my rôle of Agony Aunt. I had a low threshold of pain.

It's no good trying to contact me when I'm at work. Since I started this job as a professional hangman, all my callers have hung up on me.

[ZK] Doesn't matter, I'm not very good, you'd have to be barking to call me.

I'd have to be a bit of a sap, then? Do you reckon you need counselling? Don't give up too soon and leave - your problems are probably deeply rooted. I know an excellent Tree Surgeon therapist, Den Dron.

I quit my job in the synthetic rubber plant, when my first pay cheque bounced.

I used to have a job performing ultrasounds on expectant mothers to determine the sex of their babies. For some reason, the mothers never seemed happy with my work. I don't know what those women were expecting!

I too apprenticed as a plumber, but my career went down the drain.

I tried to work as a plumber, but I didn't want to faucet.

Amazing: so did I - I was hopeless though and, inevitably and not unexpectedly, they gave me the elbow.

I used to market sporting equipment to the hockey community. When I approached the football authorities for a similar position they gave me the boot: they claimed I had unrealistic goals.

[Dujon] Did they tell you to puck off?
My last effort at holding down a job was as an assistant to an optician. It was going OK, but then I was framed.

[Dunx] No, but my old colleagues didn't half give me some stick!
After that I tried being an electrical salesman. That only lasted until the company found I didn't have the proper connections.