Don't you try to tell me what sort of job you want, you useless piece of shit! You'll take whatever I give you and bloody well do it or that's the end of your dole! And say yes sir thank you sir, or forget about ever coming back here again!

I've a few openings here for people with experience in organised crime...

You're a woman, what do you want a job for?

£57.63p? How can you possibly run a brothel on that? Here, have £500.

I've a couple of plum spots for the right candidate. Do you speak Arabic?

You don't want to be working, look, I know this bloke who'll fix you up with a whole series of benefit scams like the one's I'm running.

How about dinner tonight, and then if you come round to my place we can discuss what sort of job I might be able to find you, if you show me you're the right sort of girl.

---

That one's slowed down, so time for another. The cast so far:

Police Constable
Supermodel
Brain Surgeon
Farmer
Electrician
Car Mechanic
MC Coach
Evil Henchperson
Museum Curator
Somellier
Relationship Counsellor
Blacksmith
Nuclear Physicist
Shepherd
Stand-up Comic
Prostitute
Speaking Clock
Personal Trainer
Anthropomorphic Personification
Pope
Prime Minister
Taxi Driver
DVD Store Salesperson
Hospital Radio DJ
Weather Forecaster
School Inspector
Employment Office Worker

Member of Parliament

Yeah, I like to think of myself as an independent thinker, answerable to no-one.

I applied because I wanted to have a steady 9 to 5 48 week a year job.

Well, my first priority is to annex the Sudetenland.

This green leather is so passé. I move we have the whole chamber redone in chintz.

I'm a firm believer in democracy, which is why we should do away with Parliament and elections, put the opposition into concentration camps, and reinstitute a new feudal system for the new century with everyone having their place in a true democracy.

National Anthem? Of course I know it: Allons ! Enfants de la Patrie ! Le jour de gloire est arrivé !... oops! (This really happened in Belgium last month)

WHO'S THE WANKER IN BLAAACK?

Wny do I want to stand for Labour? Well, I like your logo best.

Well, my first priority is to annexe Sunderland.

I wouldn't have joined this club if I'd known they would let women in.

Actually, no. My first priority is to axe Sunderland.

I'm terribly sorry, but I don't have time for industrial lobbyists or monied special intrests. I'm far too busy addressing the concerns of my constituents, who must always come first.

Well, I'll either annex or axe Sunderland, depending which lobby group offers me the best deal.