[Oegy] Thank you for the laugh. That was absolutely brilliant, sir.

And we have a mystery guest today roaming the hospital wards! If you see a doctor walking around brandishing a syringe, call him over and say, "You are Dr. Jack Kevorkian and I claim my 5cc of morphine."

Just coming up to lunchtime, and to get those taste buds going, here's a selection of songs from Sondheim's Sweeney Todd. This one's a request from the boys and girls in the mortuary.

And for those whose lives are hanging by a thread, here are Doctor and the Medics with Spirit in the Sky

And the Morrissey day continues. The man with Ebola in the isolation ward has requested I Started Something

And now, the results of the sweepstake on how many patients died here last week...

[Raak] nice!

And Magdi Yakoub's favourite, Feargal Sharkey's A good heart is heard to find.

And for all you Elvis Costello fans in Physiotherapy, here's I can't stand up for falling down

Allahu Akbar! oblig.

[Raak] "OK, the winner is Mr Gapp from Rosemary Ward, who... oh, apparently Mr Gapp won't be able to receive his prize... So, anyway, the sweepstake is open now for this week's figure..."

"...and it's a rollover!"

[Projoy re: Sweeney Todd] That'll be The worst pies in London then?

We once again apologise for the spate of heart attacks yesterday when we announced that we would be doing an extended investigation into Youth in Asia. We have now renamed this Young People of the East.

[nfras] Hee hee! Had to think about that one.

"And now, we will air a segment entitled The Patient Files. The word around the water cooler is that the patient in room 101 has not been taking his medication. If you are listening, Mr. Macavity, your hearing aid has been found in your bedpan once again. Please take the suppository out of your ear and assume the usual stance. Oh, that's right! You can't hear me! Bummer!"

We'd like to welcome a new surgeon to the team, Mr Hamish Dalmeny-Invergordon. Let's pipe him aboard, punters, with Bobby Darin's Mack the Knife.

Between you and me, the sister in ward 10 really screams when she comes.