The porn film was a very, very long time ago. Can't we forgive and forget?

There's these two nuns in a bath, right....

What's all that smoke?

"So you say your are a Merovingian and you have come to collect what?"

Just between us, can't we stop pretending? I mean, no-one inside the Church actually believes any of this stuff, do they?

That would be an ecumenical matter!

[Phil] Feck! Girls!

We need to make the services more relevant to young people of today. How about this? "Asch nazg durbatuluk! Asch nazg gimbatul! Asch nazg thrakatuluk! Agh burzum-ishi krimpatul!" Doesn't that have a ring to it? Much better than all that boring old Latin.

The Vatican's primary purpose is of course sexual. It is a graphic representation of the phallic power of the Catholic Church. [nfras] You forgot Arse!

Jesus f***ing Christ all-f***ing-mighty!

[Phil] :op

"You know me, I'm never right!"

"These condoms don't fit..."

Here's one in poor taste, for a change: Thank heaven for little girls

My secretary's got herself pregnant but fortunately she's going to ged rid of it.

[Rosie] hehehehehehehe

I intend to make the entire Vatican archives public and publish them on the Internet.

"Bad monkey! Bad! Bad! Bad! Bad monkey!"

"Yes, of course I am a woman, what's wrong with that?"

[IS,P!] Thought I'd ignore subtlety for a bit.
"In nomine Patris, et filii et Spiritus Sancti...non verum Deo credo."

I think we should pack in this whole Pope thing and rejoin the Orthodox churches.

Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!

---

And as the would-be Pope is taken away by the Spanish Inquisition, let's hear a Prime Minister talk himself out of a job.

I'm going to be completely honest with you...

All this power - it's wonderful!

I'm not coming in. I'm having a duvet day.

Hello. Madame Fifi's? Can you please send a couple of your girls over. Yes, the front door will be fine.
(come to think of it, that would have done for the previous subject as well)

You got the substances?

We need to consider the true meaning of democracy and consider whether elections are still fit for purpose in the twenty-first century. I see the role of PM not as being given power by the electorate to rule over them for five years but as about an ongoing process of managing their concerns through truly people-centred consultation processes which will achieve a continuity which I believe people really want instead of chopping and changing with every election. If you ask the man in the street what he wants, he doesn't care about abstract political ideologies, he wants the local council to mend holes in the road and he wants the trains to run on time, and going to the polls every few years just creates needless disruption.

I feel compelled to repeat: "Get that arse!"

"My esteemed members of the cabinet, all matters of state are herewith put on hold until further notice, as I am called elsewhere as a matter of urgency. Beginning tomorrow I will be touring with Gilbert and Sullivan with whom I am to be a pirate in The Pirates of Penzance .... flouting my bright silver buckles and my tight shiny pants. Gentlemen, I want to sing and dance!"

(Phil) I don't think you can have that one because without a shadow of doubt extracurricular shagging is a perk of the job and that of several lesser ones in government.

[Rosie] The context I had in mind was during PM's Questions.

I refer the right honorable gentleman to my butt.

What's this "other place" you lot are on about all the time? (Phil) Ah!

"Checkers? Ah,yes! George did mention something about a game plan."

People talk about democracy, but how democratic is it to have a Parliament half filled by people whose job it is to oppose the democractically elected government? When the people choose a government, then that government should be able to carry out its mandate as a team, and teamwork is very important to me, a single team all pulling in the same direction under a single manager. I never forget that we politicians are public servants, carrying out the will of the people, and it makes no sense to have the servants always squabbling about how to do the housekeeping. And as team manager, I am just a servant of the public servants. That's why my first acts as Prime Manager will be to dissolve Parliament and abolish political parties.

As we only obtained 42% of the popular vote at the election we shall only carry out 42% of our manifesto commitments. We shall be inviting the opposition parties to nominate which of their policies they wish us to carry out for them.

We hear a lot about immigration, but emigration is just as much of a problem if not more. Consider. Someone is brought up and educated in this country, and we all contribute to the cost of that, and then they go to university, so on top of the moral debt for their upbringing they incur a monetary debt as well, and then they can just say, thanks for everything, and go abroad to work for some other country. In effect, they are stealing the investment that the state -- and that means every single one of us -- has made in them, and that is something that hurts us all. When someone is mugged in the street, the mugger goes to jail, but when someone mugs the whole country, at present we do nothing at all and that cannot be right. My solution to this is to introduce citizenship accounts, in which every member of society can see exactly where they stand valuewise, and grant exit visas to everyone as long as they are showing a surplus.
       And we also have to address an even bigger problem that I call internal emigration. There are people -- you may know some yourself -- who live in this country and accept all of its benefits, but work over the internet for companies that are not based here, but could be anywhere in the world, creating value for them that should be created here while at the same time living off our resources. What I propose is an Internet Visa, which will ensure that those who can show a genuine need to access international networks can do so without the risk of selling out this country.

No, George.

Yo, yo, Mistah Speaker, Blair in da house-a-commons...
I da Prime MInister
On da left, so I'm sinister
If you oppose
Cos my power roves
From Forth to Finisterre
And it don't finish there,
I go' astonish ya.
I got the A to Zee
O' Crown dependencies.
I got departments
I manage armaments
My influence has confluence from ruins to public nu-i-sance...

People talk about freedom of speech, but how much freedom is there when people cannot go on the Internet for fear of what they may see? How much freedom is there when anyone anywhere can say whatever they like, no matter how odious? Real freedom of speech is the freedom to speak the truth, not the freedom to speak lies. How much freedom is there when anyone can go anywhere in the country, set up in business for themselves, and charge any price they like for anything they are selling, regardless of the harm they may be doing in pursuit of their own selfish profiteering? My intention is to create a new Ministry of Truth to protect our precious freedom of speech from our enemies, and a Ministry of Labour to ensure that everyone works in the job that is best for them and best for the people.

My fellow Americans!

The twentieth century was the century of the great experiment in democracy. But remember that the twentieth century was also the century of the worst wars in history. And so having put all of that chaos behind us it is time to ask ourselves what lessons we have learned from it, and to build on that for the future. The "hundred schools of thought" having contended, what flowers have bloomed and what have proven to be weeds? In this ever more interlinked and interdependent world of ours, is it even possible for every state to go their own way? A world government is the only realistic way to bring peace and prosperity to everyone. There can be no dissension with a world government, because dissent would be a treason against all of humanity. Everyone will work together for the good of the whole, not because of any compulsion, but because it is the right thing to do. One people! One Planet! One Prime Manager!

(That's Blair's next job sorted then.)

I believe in government of the people by the people and for the people who have the most dosh.

Sorry I'm late, I've just been fisting Norman Lamont. (Well, it nearly finished Julian Clary's career, so why not Tony)

We are a grandmother. with apologies to all those traumatised by ThatchBlair

I like my cigars moist.

Nuke the bastards!

Yes, I am Russian. Is that a drawback?

Wibble!

In the interests of efficiency, I have decided to dispense with the Cabinet. I shall now be relying for key decisions on an objective process. So, shall we continue to fund the NHS? Heads we do, tails we don't.

I think it's time to reexamine the whole idea of the people ruling themselves, because it really makes no sense when you think of it. A ruler must be greater than those he rules, therefore how can the ruled be the rulers? The only logically consistent system of government is an absolute feudal hierarchy, with a monarch at the top appointed by God. The King will appoint a council of ministers to advise him, led by a Prime Minister, but the whole absurd apparatus of Parliament and elections should be done away with.

"Might I propose a URANIUM for OIL program?"

"America is our staunchest ally." no, no blindfold ... but i would enjoy a final cigarette

Where do I sit?

Surely a retarded monkey could do this job?

What? You mean it's not a permanent post?

Allahu Akhbar!

Hello, I'm David Icke.

I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords.

[Raak] Overtures of "you have to vote for the lizards or the wrong lizard might get in"

[IS,P! / Raak] Made me think of Bill Bailey's "Human slaves, in an insect nation!"

[Phil] Your reference to Julian Clary's fisting of Norman Lamont made me wonder 'what newspaper does Phil read?'

Time for a new career?

[IS,P] Is that a question or a valid move?

[UK] Yes.

[IS,P!] Whatever comes to hand, although if I'm buying a newspaper (very rare occurence) it would be the Daily Telegraph. I also happened to be watching the award ceremony when Mr Clary made said comment, and I pretty much p*ssed myself laughing.

Recap: We have had Police Constable, Supermodel, Brain Surgeon, Farmer, Electrician, Car Mechanic, MC Coach, Evil Henchperson, Museum Curator, Somellier, Relationship Counsellor, Blacksmith, Nuclear Physicist, Shepherd, Stand-up Comic, Prostitute, Speaking Clock, Personal Trainer, Anthropomorphic Personification, Pope and Prime Minister. How about

---

Taxi Driver

Where are we, guv?

Well, I could drive you all round the houses and charge a tenner, but you don't need a taxi, it's actually just a five minute walk straight down this road.

Y'know... I've never actually had anyone famous in the back of the cab...

Sorry about the bumpy ride, I'm just nervous about my driving test coming up tomorrow. Failed three times already.

Are you lookin' at me? (oblig.)

Do you mind drivin, guv? I'm too pissed.

Allahu Akbar! oblig

"I've been expecting you, Mr Bond..." *presses large red button*

"The knowledge? What's that,guv?"

Could you read the street signs for me pal, I can't make out a thing past the road itself with these nasty cataracts.

Sorry, I'll have to pull over for a few minutes while I have a grand mal seizure.

Richard Hammond. Pleased to meet you.

Fred Flintstone. Pleased to meet you, now get those legs pumping. Yabba Dabba Dooo!

Quick! The cops are after me, let's get outta here!

Just grab hold of this anchor - I've got no brakes.

"Not got much of an opinion on that either way"

The glass partition slides open to reveal a set of pearly enamels smiling back at you from the rearview mirror: "Chance meeting good fellow, my name is Mephistopheles and I will be your chauffeur for this evening. As you may have unsettlingly observed, the doors to this cab cannot be opened from the inside. There will be no exiting the cab nor unscheduled stops or detours until we have reached your destination. We at Pay The Piper Cab Co strive to make your trip a memorable one. We accept no plea bargains, gratuities or bribery. In fact your money is no good to us, as your fare has been prepaid VIP, nonstop to Hades, MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH."

"London Airport, guv? Sorry mate, but my shift's nearly up and I live in Hackney."

In the pouch in front of you there's a bag of dog biscuits, can you just give one to my guide dog? Thanks.

You could describe my political views as leftish-liberal.

The kids are all right.

When I started to drive, you didn't need a licence.

It's really not worth it, mate, it's only round the corner. You could walk it.

Follow which car? Sorry, I wasn't really looking.

Take a mini-cab, mate, much cheaper and a better service.

Half-price if you sit on my lap dearie.

No, you just pay me what you think is fair, OK?

We certainly do take credit cards.

"Heyyyy mannnnn, wanna toke on my joint?"

"It's amazing how courteous other drivers are, and I never cease to be amazed at the quality of driving."

"Here - let me open the door for you."

[Rosie] Shurely 'middle-of-the-road'

"Are we nearly there, yet?"

Tip? Sorry mate, can't accept that, the Inland Revenue rules you know.

"S'cuse me sir, have you ever danced with the Devil in the pale moonlight?"

"Can we stop a minute? I'm desperate for a pee."

I'd love to drive you to your destination, sir, but I'm worried about my carbon footprint.

"I really don't have an opinion either way on that."

[Kim] Almost as good as nfras' "Not got much of an opinion on that either way"

South of the River? This time of night? Sure thing.

A ride for a ride?

Outer Mongolia? Hold on while I call in to get a price for that.

"You'll have to get out here madame, this back alley is as far as I can drive until the court removes my ankle bracelet."

"Better out than in eh? Don't worry about it though, I'll clean that off the upholstery in a jiffy"

Have you ever thought that a taxi ride is a metaphor for life? You're in the hands of a total stranger (that's me, God), and once you get in, it's like being born into life, you've no control over where it goes, oh, you can say "Take me to the Hilton" just like you can say "I'm going to be the next Bill Gates", but no-one's going to pay any attention, and you can't get out, even if you could force the locks on the doors we're doing over 100 so what are you going to do, jump? And at the end of life...there is DEATH!!

Time for a change? So far we have had:
Police Constable, Supermodel, Brain Surgeon, Farmer, Electrician, Car Mechanic, MC Coach, Evil Henchperson, Museum Curator, Somellier, Relationship Counsellor, Blacksmith, Nuclear Physicist, Shepherd, Stand-up Comic, Prostitute, Speaking Clock, Personal Trainer, Anthropomorphic Personification, Pope, Prime Minister and Taxi Driver.
Please put an <hr> before the category title and make it bold and/or colourful as you desire. Feel free to ignore the suggestion if you have more to offer in this category!

So I take it you've never heard of bittorrent then?

DVD's are rubbish, everyone knows that. For real quality you can't beat a videocassette, the colours are so much richer, and they don't wear out, not if you treat them properly. DVD's, you can get fingerprints and cat pee all over them and they still play, what sort of quality is that?

CD? DVD? So what's the difference?

I can't recommend "Robin Hood: Men in Tights" strongly enough.

I know where to get it, if you want it.

If you're looking for the 'real cinema experience', I've got some here that were filmed from the back row...

Sorry, I was just in the back room. Ah, let me just wash my hands.

"Of course, this model at £249 gives a much sharper image, which you are bound to appreciate on your 42" LCD screen." Ace filth, Phil

We've got this boxed set of 17 DVDs, each with a peculiar Easter Egg...

[Phil] I'm glad I read that before I lifted my coffee to my lips!

[UK] I wish I understood it.

[IS,P] You'd need to watch the excellent Doctor Who episode Blink.

[UK] I have downloaded same and will be watching it as soon as the exam season is over.

Sorry, sir, we're right out of brown envelopes, here's a clear plastic bag.

Oscars schmoscars, sir. What's important is the nude wimmin on the cover.

[UK] :-)
[Software] If only you knew the quantity of filth that I don't post because it's way beyond what common decency permits!
Have I got snatch? Come over 'ere and say that sunshine!

Sorry, Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang is out, maybe you'd like this one, Anal Invaders 3.