mc5 - Ooops! Time to change career?

Excellent choice, madam. Would you like some lime with that?

A trade secret I'll share with you sir: if the bottle's a funny shape the wine's even better!

Before you taste this wonderful vintage sir, there is just the matter of the health and safety risk assessment questionnaire just a formality, only take ten minutes of your time. Now is sir left or right handed?

Sierra Mike

It's from somewhere in Germany.

I Say, Porter!

Hang on, let me guess... is it red?

nights

Certainly. And would you like a glass or a straw?

I Say, Porter!

You can tell a lot from the label, sir. For example, this one says 'Tesco 2.99', well, that's frankly piss.

Simons Mith

Another inside tip, sir - the second-cheapest wine on the menu always gives the best value for money.

I Say, Porter!

The best vintages can be found in TetraPak^TM boxes.

Uncle Korky

"Catch!"

Raak

Personally, I'd rather have a pint.

I Say, Porter!

It's called Chateau Lafite because it smells of feet.

I Say, Porter!

Of course, the best wines come from the North East of England.

Raak

Of course, drinking alcohol means you go straight to hell, but if you must, why not have the very best and make it worth being drowned in boiling oil for countless aeons?

Projoy

Igor, fetch the BIG corkscrew! *leer*

Tuj

Struggling to choose? Tell us your options and we can mix them all up together.

Bottle or draught?

Water or ice?

Rare or Well Done?

The vintage? Wednesday, I think. Hang on, I'll check the box.

I Say, Porter!

It's made from grapes, isn't it?