arrow_circle_left arrow_circle_up arrow_circle_right
The Obligatory Limericks Game Reincarnated
help
And so it begins....
arrow_circle_up
This isn't a joke
When a fond farewell toke
Spoils "blind man's buff" for us all!
The bricks of which Summer is made
Cannot be obtained through the trade (blamelewis) Blind man's puff, shurely?
They are salvaged with care
From the cold wintry air
Come shine we’ll make sure they get laid....
Surrounded by walls of destruction
I stand and await my instruction
As to whether or not
To take a quick shot
Hurrah for careers in construction! a bit abstract but it was stalled for a while yer honour...
He stood there aghast at the sight
For surely this could not be right:
This vision; this... thing!
So shapeless, such bling
Jade Goody, half nude - she looked shite! (apols for vulagarity)
As a planet the earth's rather small (Phil) Did you mean vulvagarity?
So beware, those of you who are tall
With your head in the clouds
It's like wearing shrouds
Now let this be a aware to us all
The snowstorm has blinded my eyes
And the wind whips away all my cries
My limbs have gone numb
This trip really was dumb
Next time it's McDonald's for fries
Pretending I like heavy metal
I bought a uranium kettle
But the weight of the water
Was more than it ought-a
And now I don't feel in fine fettle
The dangerous love of fine words
Is a trait of the geeks and the nerds (Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!)
These anal retentives [UK] <panto> Oh no you're not! </panto>
Resist all incentives
I'd say its strictly for t'birds
You call me a bibliophile
And also a nerd - after while
And maybe a geek
But I know I'm a freak
I can sprint an eighteen-minute mile.
At Redemption (SF convention last weekend) there were a couple of flyers for another convention (Year of the Teledu) with just the first line of a limerick on them. Alas, they never got finished over the weekend. Can we do better? Here is how far they had got when I last saw them:
A teledu of my acquaintance      A Sumatran badger that stank
Has purchased a gaudy conveyance      Lived deep in a hole, dark and dank
It's painted bright blue      . . . . . . . .
And filled with beef stew      . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . .      . . . . . . . . . . . .
A teledu of my acquaintance
Has purchased a gaudy conveyance
It's painted bright blue
And filled with beef stew
Its odour holds all in abeyance.

A Sumatran badger that stank
Lived in a deep hole, dark and dank
Its one pride and joy
.......
Was an old Dinky toy
In fact, a Centurian tank...moving on
I once had a toy made by Dinky
I had five; in Latin that's quinque.
The JCB digger
Five hundred times bigger
Than your or even my pinkie
My 'pinkie' is longer than most are
It's been Michelin-rated as "four star"
And as fingers go
It's something to show
‘cause it’s thin as a worm, how bizarre
It is said that in parts of Japan
You can bat away men with your fan
And if you're a geisha
Who hails from Croatia
Then it's likely your fan is a man
I trow everything that I ween
And I hight what yclept I'd e'er been
And what's more - just hear this
- I rede what I wis
Now get out! @*&#...? I'm purging my spleen!
And with that, things arrived at a halt
'Though they perked up when one added salt
Which proves we're not slugs
Or earthworms, or bugs
We're just perfect, in fact, to a fault
I love you; you're perfect; now change.
I'd rather you did something strange
Tape a worm to your face
Take a fall down from grace
And develop a bad case of mange.
I seem to've developed a tic
Whenever I chew on my Bic®
My tongue starts to bleed
I spill all my seed - oo-er
And, in general, things get on my wick
That's no tic, that is pre-menstrual tension!
You'll have it until you draw pension!
What a woman must bear
In her days of 'bad hair'
Affects all her bits, by extension.
[Rosie] Excellent!

I'm writing a Hip Hop revue
And casting it -- how about you?
The April audition
Takes place on condition (Pj) Thanks.
That by failing you will not sue
When coffee supplies are short
We rush to the gate of the fort
And brew the moat's water
Like lambs to the slaughter
“Manslaughter!” (the cook’s doom in court)
"We're ready for take-off, get strapped"
"If you leave your seat, you'll get slapped"
"From your EasyJet crew"
"And Ryan Air too"
"We prefer pass-en-gers to be trapped!"
While cooking some nice chippolatas
To eat with nice mashed 'potatas'
I found that my beans
Were be-yond my means
It's a good job they came free and gratis.
I just ate a pineapple, chopped
At the end of my meal I just stopped
For I saw half a worm
With a lovely blue perm
It had certainly been 'Photo-Shopped'.
When you fall down a bottomless well
Your speed will increase like hell
You will notice a draught
And a sulphurous waft
With a distictive rotten egg smell
While murd'ring a Chopin Mazurka
I put down the Socialist Worker
PS. [Rosie] Having a flashback?
Retrograde amnesia
In the mines of Silesia
Thank god I was wearing the burka. can't see the relevance of lines 3 and 4, but hey...
Apparently, eggs are the thing
I'd say they are better than bling
When worn round the neck
They look stupid - but heck
Weren't Faberges fit for a king?
That genial chap Barry Cryer
Is a famously infrequent flyer
He mostly takes cabs
To his various rehabs
And his cycling is said to be dire
A friend of a friend of a friend
Has driven me right round the bend
This tenuous acquaintance Gotta gloss over a syllable in tenuous there
Is rather high-maint'ance Gotta gloss over a syllable there too.
And may not survive in the end. (Proj, penpenpenult.) I've killed the bloody lot, mate. :-)
No man is an island, they say
'Though Manxmen might just disagré
They chat and they hug less
And stay shy of Douglas
And they never come out to play
A headache at five is just great
If it leaves by a quarter to eight
But if it should stay
For most of the day
Romance is farfetched for your mate
While painting my room yellow ochre
I received an odd call from my broker
"You're quite in the red"
"You've no green stuff," he said
Now quit playing Black Jack and Poker!
I long for a long-lasting night
Where my fancy can truly take flight
But sadly, I lack
The relevant knack
To get all the works all upright
A lovely young mayor named Ken
Convened the town council at 'ten'
He loudly decreed
"From traffic be freed!"
And may all traffic lights stick at zen!"
Oh, play me those hot ragtime blues!
I'm wearing my new dancing shoes
I'm ready to bop
Or even Hip-hop
And you can all clap from the pews
The happiest one of my days
Was when I stole from the Krays
A vegetable squeezer
An upright fridge freezer
And a bra that clad Modesty Blaise
There once was a lad from old Bristol
Who roamed around town with a pistol
He only shot blanks
For which we give thanks
'cos the whole bloody town's made of crystal.
S,K,SM,R,ISP - awesome
I met a small swami from Dili
Who wanted to move somewhere hilly
I suggested Nepal
Where the hills are so tall
You ascend; you transcend; you go silly.
There was an old codger from Fareham
Who liked women's clothes and would wear 'em
But when he went out
He was struck with this doubt:
Should I take me clothes off? That'd scare 'em!
The antics of Pepe le Pew
Apart from smelling were really quite few
In his amourous pursuits he shows more persistence than Robert the Bruce's spider
Oops...wrong move , wrong game... nix that
The ladies he hounded
[irach] understandable mistake .. given the bizarre scansion in line 2 :-) Think I'll wait for the next one to come along.
[Chalky] You can wait ages for one...
[IS,P] how right you are!
By odour confounded
Their senses. They all joined the queue.
Perambulatoriously
I once ran into Aldous L Huxley
[irach] eek! far-be-it-for-me-mention-the-dreaded-scansion-word ... but hey - I've said it :-)
[Chalky] Hey, it was just clerihew that had got lost.
He looked at me wryly This one works well enough for me
Then stated quite dryly:
[irach] Did you think mine was perambulatoriously? Nah. I meant Perambulatoriously
[Simons] I think Chalky's talking about line 2 of this one which don't follow line 1. My reading of line 1 was as Projoy intended. Let's try and fix it.
Perambulatoriuosly
I ran into Aldous Huxley
He looked at me wryly
Then stated quite dryly:
You're not wearing knickers, I see.
Is that OK?
[ISP, Chalky] If you read mine the first way, irach's line does actually scan (and almost rhyme), to wit:
Perambulatoriously
I once ran into Aldous L Huxley
...so it depends if you think irach misinterpreted the natural stress pattern of my made-up word (which admittedly was difficult to do because in the word perambulator, the second and fourth syls are stressed in a not very limerickish way. Then again, if you were American, then peramulatory would be limericky, but the UK pronunciation would not. Then again, by analogy with notoriously, you might have realised the "correct" stress. Then again, one does naturally attempt to stress "once" in irach's line, before reading "ran". All in all, quite complicated. Maybe I'd better stick to real words hereon.
Muliebrity nudiastertian (look 'em up!)
Improves on my prior male version nudiustertian, actually
But now it's today
[PJ, ISP, Irach] I can quite see that differing the stress pattern can 'make it fit' but I still maintain that 10 syllabubs in a limerick line is too many. Losing the 'L' [as ISPers did] helps :-)
And I fear that I may [Pj] Nope, I still can't make it scan.
[IS,P] I can make it scan - I just don't understand it!
Become subject to gender recursion
The old lady who swallowed a fly
Has now got a gnat in her eye
Her nostrils have fleas
Her ears attract bees
And snakes wrap themselves round her thigh.
The builders are coming today
If they say that, you can only pray
That yesterday's news - I make no apologies.[SW] tricky one to follow which is probably why, once more!, the game has stalled
Doesn't bring on the blues
If so, play a twelve-bar in A.
nice :-)
Forget everything you were taught!
The sum of your knowledge is naught
Now with a clean sheet
Stand on just your two feet
And pretend we have freedom of thought
Forgive me for turning up late
For I know that is rude on a date
I had to make sure
You'd get here before
me, for I'm too impatient to wait. Rather glad to have finally disposed of this one.
[Rosie] Indeed, a week is a long time in limericks. I have stared fruitlessly at this one on numerous occasions. Good finish, I thought, under the circs.
His Highness, George Dubbleyer Bush
Has proclaimed, "We need just one more push!"
To win in the war
For oil, (we need more) (ISP) Not one of my best but cheers, anyway.
Shh! Condoleezza says that's hush-hush making the best of a bad job .. swiftly moving on...
The largesse of old Tony Blair
Has taken a decade to share
But soon he'll step down
For that twat Gordon Brown
But (by that point) nobody'll care!
[UK] Why not "no-one'll care"? Much better scansion.

The Party Political Beast

Once went West, but is now heading East
Its ravenous mouth
Bellows over the South
"Head North for famine from feast"
I flee all political views
In my 'No Idea How To Vote' shoes
I'm not sure where I stand
They're all so bloomin' bland
But one of them will win, so choose.
The cattle I find in my bed
Have deposited freshly-baked bread
And other stuff, too
Think this brown stuff is poo
But at least it's a pat on the head (forgive me)
The hottest of anchovy soup
Reminds me, frankly, of poop.
But cold kedgeree
Has class pedigree
At curing small babies of croup *
* This is not medical advice. The author is not a qualified physician.
Whilst wand'ring alone in The Weald
I made sure to keep my eyes peeled
arrow_circle_down
Want to play? Online Crescenteering lives on at Discord