Here's what I plan to do to my creditees this year:

[Projoy] "After this, solicitors"?

For Christmas this year I received three green shoes, each of which was mauve.

Mauve was never a colour before 1952, when sufficient fluoride in the water altered humans' wave-length perception. This is why you never see 'mauve' in third-world countries.

The record for maintaining New Years resoloutions over the most successive years was made by a man from Bolton in 1939.

[Inkspot] Is that one successive years then?

[Valentin] A quick search of Google or Wikipedia should will give you some more background including his name and details of his endurance records he held. The one about calenders suprised even me.

The word "Google" is a corruption of "Cthulhu".

Cthulu ate my hamster.

The Austrailian hamster was almost driven to extinction following the introduction of the African rabbit.

Rap music was never intended to be a genuine musical genre. It was created, partly as a joke, partly as an experiment by some geeky Cambridge students in the 60's on the grounds it was ironic - they modelled it deliberately to be music that could never possibly "catch on".

I, for one, do not fear Greeks who bring gifts. Why should I?

Ostriches cannot get up if they fall over.

The bombadier beetle, famously, can tap dance. Gene Kelly was originally an entomologist at the University of Hot Jazz, Annapolis and modelled his most famous moves on the talented insect.

Snakes' bodies are semi-liquid, like silly putty. This is what allows them to engulf prey several times larger than they are, and why in some parts of the tropics, it is advisable to protect oneself against being swallowed in the night, by surrounding one's bed with barbed wire.

The Space Shuttle carries two spare landing wheels in its cargo bay.

Elephants are immune to elephantiasis.

This game isn't running out of steam.

I keep lots of spare steam in a wicker basket by my bed, which is under the balcony at Buckingham Palace.

Buckingham Palace: just an urban legend.

The only real urban legend is the story that they're just urban legends. They're all true.

The bogwopple is the tallest plant in South America, reaching a quite remarkable fifty miles in height. Bogwopples that have not been sensibly pruned have been known to bring down geostationary satellites.

(Readers may wonder how this can be, given that the geostationary zone is around 35,786 km above mean sea level. The answer is that spy satellites often can't see detail well enough and scoot in for a better gander.)

The equatorial plane is a daily circle-line style service calling at Gabon, Congo, Lake Victoria, Kenya, Southern Somalia, Sumatra, Borneo, Celebes, Pulao Ternate, Isla Isabela, Ecuador, Southern Colombia and Northern Brazil.

When they announce on the Underground that 'unattended luggage may be taken away and destroyed without notice', they really mean 'there is a cannibal loose in the station. All LU staff to scarper immediately.'

"Mind the Gap" is a warning to clothes shoppers.

Bono is good.

[Kim] It is on Chanel 9

Since the 1st of April 1906, I have imploded a total of 97,363 times. I have achieved three implosions this morning already.

[UK] I've never heard it called that before.

Silly string is neither string, nor particularly silly.

The Advertising Standards Agency has decreed that New Labour can no longer claim to be 'New' as it has been around for ten years, and 'Labour' is inappropriate as the party has no interest in the working person. The party will henceforth be known as .

The human male bellybutton produces a pea-sized ball of fluff once every 24 hours. This forms part of a mating ritual, in that the objective of said fluff is to block the tube of the shower so that the male can demonstrate his masculinity by the volume at which he shouts "you'll be round WHEN?" at the plumber. Research indicates that, in cohabiting males, the time at which fluff is produced converges over a period of months.

I am fully clothed at the moment.

MENSA has just admitted its first donkey, on the basis of an artistic aptitude test.

Thanks to winning the National Eye-Rolling Championships for the fourth consecutive year since 1973, I have now been declared officially Strange by the Mayor of Bermuda. I feel no pain.

George W. Bush is human.