The Advertising Standards Agency has decreed that New Labour can no longer claim to be 'New' as it has been around for ten years, and 'Labour' is inappropriate as the party has no interest in the working person. The party will henceforth be known as .

The human male bellybutton produces a pea-sized ball of fluff once every 24 hours. This forms part of a mating ritual, in that the objective of said fluff is to block the tube of the shower so that the male can demonstrate his masculinity by the volume at which he shouts "you'll be round WHEN?" at the plumber. Research indicates that, in cohabiting males, the time at which fluff is produced converges over a period of months.

I am fully clothed at the moment.

MENSA has just admitted its first donkey, on the basis of an artistic aptitude test.

Thanks to winning the National Eye-Rolling Championships for the fourth consecutive year since 1973, I have now been declared officially Strange by the Mayor of Bermuda. I feel no pain.