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Cancel Mansell
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Celebrities are everywhere, but not all press is good press - you wouldn't want Anthea Turner at your housewarming, would you? How would you instruct her PR to stop her from appearing at your door with a bottle of Blue Nun? Rhyming, alliterative and cunning punning ways to stop celebrities turning up at your do, please.
Winning Move is Cancel Mansell.
Anthea Turner? Spurn her!
If Brian Blessed brings a bottle, beg him to b*gger off.
Go away, Brian May.
Francesco Totti? You must be potty! Dino Zoff? Please F*ck off!
Shunt James Blunt?
Lock Dido in the Lido - but steal her towel.
Get lost, Alain Prost!
[Marcel Marceau] *stands with left shoulder facing front door, then rapidly moves right arm upwards and outwards into position perpendicular to body, while simultaneously extending index finger*
Tell Tony Blair I'm washing my hair.
John Prescott is wanted not.
Steve Davis? Not interested.
Oy! Whitehouse! No!
Flush Bush.
Elton John? Already gone.
Pink Floyd? Wish they weren't here.
Larry Grayson - shut that door on your way out.
Jules Holland? Later, maybe.
Fat Boy Slim? Anyone but him!
Peter Snow - no.
Sven-Goran Eriksson - I think he is unsuitable.
Edwina Currie - Please leave, and hurry.
The Human League - don't I want them?
Bono, no-no.
William Shatner can boldly go.
Come along, P T Barnum... this way to the egress...
Shakespeare? You're barred!
No, Van Gogh, I do NOT wanna buy a painting - I've gone one 'ere!
Jeremy Paxman - who needs the mad verbal axe-man? (Phil, your first) You should frame that. Top stuff.
David Frost - get lost.
No Jonathan Ross? No loss
Thatcher? Back at'ya.
Bar the way to Reggie Kray; stick a pin into his twin; give a shove-a to their bruvva.
J Lo - heave-ho!
Marcel? Sheer Hell! Oust Proust!
Ainsley Harriet - Get on your chariot.
J M Barrie? Sling yer Hook!
Gerald Ratner? BOGOF!
Send off Beckham.
Wayne Rooney? Not that loony!
Adam Hart-Davis - On yer bike!
Smother Big Brother
David Coleman - balls!
Tim Henman - come back when you've won something.
Madonna - Me no wanna.
Mark Thatcher - get lost!
McCartney? Get back to where you once belonged.
Gustav Eiffel? To the Tower!
Michael Jackson - beat it!
Dionne Warwick? Cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.
John McEnroe? You cannot be serious!
Damon Gough can sod right off
Younis Khan? Khan't!
[Phil] Send back Inzamam-ul-Haq?
Harry Enfield? No!!
Larry Grayson? Shut that door on your way out.
Kim? Not him! (Solely for a 100% copy of my Larry Grayson!)
Freddie Flintoff? Get yer splint off!
Kate Moss? *snort of derision*. [UK] Apologies.
Floyd Landis - on yer bike!
Heather Mills MacCartney - Hop Off! the 6-button collarless jacket please
Kenneth Williams? Matron, take him away!
Donald Trump - take a running jump.
Tony Handcock? Come back in half an hour.
Gloria Gaynor - turn around now, 'cause you're not welcome any more.
Jenny Eclair - hope she's not there.
Anne Boleyn - head off.
Alex Comfort can f--- off!
James Brown can funk off!
Bill Bailey - go home!
ET - as above!
Paris Hilton - 'S a bleed'n' 'otel innit?
Isambard Kingdom Brunel - Who? No, come on, what's his real name? It's not that sort of do, you know.
Shun Clive Dunn.
I'll tell you what I don't want - the Spice Girls.
Donald Campbell - go jump in the lake!
[UK] ouch!
[pen] I know - I have no shame...
Tommy Cooper - drop dead![pen, UK] how's that for bad taste?
[Softers] Here's my crown...
Stephen Hawking? Buzz off!
Jonathan Edwards - go take a running jump.
Let Lionel Bart depart!
Dr John Reid - Go home, secretary.
Jenny Agutter? Go walkabout! (no, not really, Jenny, in case you're reading)
Kate Moss, take a powder.
Patrick McGoohan - Number six, your time is up. For anyone who remembers the old boating lake gag.
Alan Sugar? You're fired, yer bugger.
Yes - No.
I think we'll let Derek Bentley drop.
Omit Brad Pitt.
Keanu Reeves? Neo way!
Sean Bean should not be heard or seen.
Uri Gellar can get bent
Bruce Forsyth! Nice to see you...no, not really
Jose Mourinho - No, not special enough.
Lord Charles - you're going gack in the gox!
Lady Godiva - Sent to Coventry [HB] L. Charles = V. Amusing
Trigger - Get stuffed!
Ant'n'Dec - You two, too.
Genesis - Exodus
Take That? Take that!
Nicholas Parsons - a deviation too far.
Eamon Andrews - not on your life.
Alexander Graham Bell - Don't ring us, we'll ring you.
Bruce Forsyth - Bad to see you... To see you, bad.
Monica Lewenski - You Suck!
Steve Davis - No, not by a long chalk. (SM) V. good!
Graham Taylor - do I not like you!
Heinz Guderian - make tracks!
Looks like I killed the game, so Sierra Mike - take a hike
Getting personal :-) Rosie - don't be dozey!
(Calling up the Instant Rebuttal Unit) Phil - I've had my fill.
Peter Snow - go!
Hughie Green? Don't bother knocking (and I mean that most sincerely folks, I really do).
David Frost - Hello, good evening and you're not welcome.
Take off, Hasselhoff representin' for the States
The Likely Lads? Not likely.
John Cleese - Oh, please! What a cantankerous old fart he's turned into, sadly.
Jim Bowen? Here's your BFH.
See ya Aaliyah.
Bye bye, McFly.
Greg Dyke? On yer bike!
The artist formerly known as Prince... How are you spelling that?
[Apologies to Sierra Mike] Monica Lewinsky? Close, but no cigar.
The Wright Brothers? Buzz off!
Serena Williams? New balls, please...
Tony Blair - Hey, y'know, let me say this, like, piss off, vicar.
[Botherer] surely you mean Renee Richards?
[Softers] That one somehow passed under my gaydar...

Sorry sorry sorry...

Bill Bryson? Nice try, son.
Janet Street-Porter? I don't think you oughta.
Whitney Houston? We have a problem.
Ooops, sorry, too bold.
Kim, be dim - sorry, couldn't stop myself there
Armando Ianucci - Too whiny, too pushy.
Willie Rushton - a dead loss (I wish he hadn't rushed off)
Willie Nelson, get back on the road again.
And before he gets too far down the road, can someone cancel Mansell?
*shouts, screams generally goes wild for penelope*
I just want a quiet night in!
Terry Waite? Too late!
Amy Winehouse? No wine in this house!
Want to play? Online Crescenteering lives on at Discord