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rab's new gaff
help
This new place needs a little something, while rab has nipped out to sort out the solicitors call in and drop off your gifts.
Inkspot
It may have several beads missing but this old
Abacus
will look great in the bathroom.
Software
A nice concrete
Birdbath
would look nice on the patio
penelope
[Softers] I believe it's a top floor flat. Just drop the birdbath out of the window - it'll look great wherever it lands. Instead, try arranging this
cricket screen
somewhere unobtrusive.
Tuj
A nice
door
to keep people out. Well, those not bearing gifts of course.
Uncle Korky
And, of course, those bearing gifts will eventually need to use this handy
egress
. Here's a sign pointing out the way to it.
Inkspot
To maintain the Peter Andre six pack he will need this
fitness
DVD.
Kim
This
goat
will take care of all of his recycling needs, well, most of them. I'll just tether it to this armchair, here.
Darren
And a
harem
to keep him occupied in the evenings.
Software
He'll soon get bored with the harem, so here is an
ironing board
. That'll keep him entertained.
irach
A
jukebox
at home would certainly be nice to while away the time on rainy weekends indoors.
Raak
He can accompany it on this
klezmer
.
Darren
So he can save a bit of cash, here's a
loom
he can use to make his own wooly suits, shades of the Good Life.
Software
A
mangle
is always handy.
Inkspot
A bit of play after all that work, I'll pop this
Noddy
playset by the bed.
Raak
To help with the
feng shui
and determine the most auspicious place to meditate, a handy
ommeter
.
nights
He doesn't have a
Potato Peeler
? How does he make peels?
irach
A
Queen CD
will privide him some musical diversion while he's peeling those potatoes.
Software
This
ripsaw
will be useful to help him fit that door he got earlier.
Raak
A
sunshade
, to cope with Edinburgh's tropical summers.
irach
If it's Edinburgh we're talking about, surely a nice
tartan kilt
is in order.
Kim
This large remnant of "luxury"
underlay
will give rab's bedroom carpet that extra feel of softness and quality. And it's only £4.99 per square yard!
Juxtapose
I brought a
venus flytrap
to keep the spiders down. You can just put it anywhere.
Raak
A tame
will o' the wisp
as a reminder of the transience of all things, even a new apartment.
irach
A
xeriscaped terrarium
for rab to exhibit his exotic Saharan cactus collection.
Software
A
Yo-yo
to while away those long hours sitting on the balcony.
Chalky
.. and a complete set of
ZZ Top CD's
to annoy the neighbours.
nights
Now what?
Juxtapose
Isn't rab affianced? We should bring stuff over for his lady.
Kim
Splendid idea. I offer this nice ripe
avocado
.
irach
Nothing like a large
beanbag
for those romantic frolics in the living room.
Software
Play safe, here are some
condoms
.
Phil
A
Dido CD
should help set the mood.
irach
A large roomy
easy chair
is an absolute must for rab and his affianced one to cuddle together in.
Raak
In front of a warm
fireplace
.
Tuj
A
goat
, so rab's goat isn't lonely.
Software
He'll certainly need this
hat
nights
I found some
ice
. I heard it has it's applications.
irach
Some
jojoba oil
certainly helps with those long senual body massages.
Uncle Korky
Does the
KY
need any introduction?
I'll get it from the peg on my way out
irach
Some fine silk
lingerie
for his lady to set the mood.
Phil
A bottle of
Moët
often helps
irach
A
nanny goat
will keep the aforementioned two goats already acquired by rab busy, so that rab and his lady can also cavort undisturbed.
Inkspot
Ready for when he wants to do a bit of cooking, several kilos of ready chopped
onion
.
Software
All he has go to cook them on is this old
Primus®
stove.
Raak
Everyone should have a
quern
. You can't beat hand-ground flour.
8irach
A
Rubik's cube
is ideal to while away the hours whe rab's lady is not around.
Software
Perhaps he could amuse her, or perhaps, himself with these sexy
suspenders
.
Tuj
A nice cup of
tea
.
irach
A
unicorn tapestry
would certainly look nice hung on the wall.
Software
Maybe he could find some space for this old
VAX 11/780
which needs a good home.
irach
An
X-Acto
knife would be useful as a tool around the house.
Tuj
[irach] You neglected to mention the
water buffalo
.
Kim
A
Yard of Ale
, just to prove that he can.
Phil
I'm skint now, after buying a CD and champers, so they're getting
zilch
!
Allow me..
Raak
Time to close the door and tiptoe away...
Audience
*shouts, screams generally goes wild for Raak*
nights
Well, it's better than a wedding list at John Lewis, isn't it?
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