... in my top secret base in Sri Lanka protected by my own elite corps of two thousand well trained soldiers. SMERSH have sent Olga, one of their best agents. The two of you met on the Orient Express last spring, you will remember her flame red hair and big ...

...pink rubber Wellingtons? This may be no surprise, but the Wellingtons can be inflated into a stylish boudoir, fully equipped for seduction, complete with stereogram and silk-sheeted king-sized water bed. I have to admit that I have fallen for this lady's impressive talents on a number of occasions. The last time was has a little assignation she gave me...

whoops - correctionThe last time we had a little assignation she gave me...

... a serious dose of the clap. Another of her wonderous tallents is ...

...the training of zombie prostitutes whom she has infiltrated into brothels in all the capital cities of the world, with the mission of sapping the energies of politicians and diplomats worldwide, and collecting large quantities of blackmail material. (Please find enclosed some pictures of yourself and, ahem, companions on your last mission. My good friend 'M' was most amused.) Meanwhile, my biochemical inventions proceed apace.

... and my volcano hideaway remains...

...in...

the tastefully decorated style of a Martha Stewart homemaking show.

I have been able to use the corpses of the two of my goons you murdered to make a wonderful hanging decoration. Stuffed with sweet-scented herbs and tastefully swathed in this curtain fabric they make an excellent talking point for any villain's lair, and act as encouragement to all my other servitors. Obviouslly I had to take the size of my main chamber into account when attempting this sort of grandiose decoration, as in a smaller cavern they could be too overpowering. Merciless and vindictive but with a personal touch is the tone I wanted to aim for. And of course I had to make sure the colours of the cooling corpses did not clash with the rest of my colour scheme. I have also used long falls of translucent grey-green silk to add a wonderful oriental tone. I am also reusing . . .

... the titanium sheathed satellite decoding transducer that was damaged during your last visit. It stands in the atrium of my new control centre with a certain hi-tech artisan appeal slightly charred and lopsided. Which reminds me to tell you about my first wife, Eva, is unfortunately having to go under the surgeons knife again to adjust her cybernetic leg which ...

...ran amok in the Moscow Underground. This time she has decided to go with the eight-legged spider look, and is looking forward to crushing you to death in her embrace. She and her spider-bot army...

...are set to take over the world. My secret laboratory has been working on a biological hazard made from Dandelion seeds simply known as 'D' which when when mixed with agent 'X' forms an invisible deadly silk thread. Each spider-bot caries one seed and these are spread through the uderground tube systems of all the worlds major cities.

My request is simple, I want all is to be the King of the World, I will give you 24 hours to agree. If you do not I will press this big red button to release all my spider-bots they will then cunningly weave their webs of D seed starting at Mornington Crescent.

wha... what?

Me no understand - let's hit me baby one more time. Mornington Crescent.

Right - there seems to be some obscure bug that prevents almost anyone other than me winning a game...

Thought I'd pop in to witness the demise of this little game and as I've been asked if I "Fancy a spot of post-match analysis?" it would be rude to decline.

So I won't.

The spaceship flew away.