Is everyone here for the editorial meeting? Ok, good. Heavy news week this week, so only the best stories are going to get space. We'll start with Cheddar Headlines. Ten words max, and the headline can be self-explanatory as in 'The Independent', or horrendously convoluted, as in, erm, The Cheesy Headline Game. Once the headline is finished, I'd like a few words containing the story in a news style, please. Subs, clear your desks, and let's get the presses rolling. Spike it once we reach the usual back page move.
The Walt Disney corporation has revealed that the plot for 'The Incredibles' was based on a real story. A family with amazing powers did in fact save virtually the entire planet from destruction before retreating back into obscurity. The real-life culminating battle resulted in the laying waste and destruction of a large portion of a town centre. However as the real town concerned was Slough in Berkshire, no-one actually noticed.
The notorious and inane booty hunter, Mr. Serge Wigglinbotham, has finally uncovered evidence to suggest that the buttocks of famous actress and pop star Jennifer Tropez are indeed (as many have suspected) false. Rooting around in a discarded suitcase he found in a garbage dumpster within the actress' sprawling Florida estate, Serge discovered the suitcase had a false bottom. Within that fake interior he found a discarded pair of women's underwear with built-in padding, mimicking grossly enlarged glutei maximi. Wigglinbotham reported his scoop in an interview and picture spread featured in this week's tabloid rag, The Exploiter.
John Travolta, the aging darling of the silver screen, is currently filming a new musical in Australia based on the traditional Aussie song "Waltzing Matilda". However, the star refused to strut his stuff in front of the camera until he received fresh crisp white pants from the wardrobe department. "You can't expect me to troll around the set in these tramps trousers," he fumed, "what'll do to my image?" The film is though to be somewhat stilted by this demand from the leading man. The film's producer, who prefered to remain anonymous, said: "One just can't imagine a swagman strolling through the bush dressed like a 1920's tennis player, but, hell, its only a movie." Travolta is 51.
Woman Finds Vision Of Jesus On Meat Pie Anchorage, Alaska -- Bidding is now over $700 for a pie that some say has a vision of Jesus Christ on it. The Jones family that owns it says they found it on Easter and it was too good to eat, so they put the blessed pastry in a shrine in there garage bult specially for it. During an interview with Mrs. jones the facts are revealed: “ well it was Easter morning and I was flipping pastries john was at the table, and after flipping the pasrty I saw that it was burnt in the shape of a face, so I screamed and my husband jumped up and said its jesus in our frying pan! We were so glad to have received such a revalation that we walked through our neiboorhood visiting every house and letting them see our divine pastery. Its been three weeks since the incident and we still have it , jesus is starting to mould but we don’t think it right to desecrate the face of god”that concludes the news flash for today tune in next time for U.S nightly news.
A news report has reached the Times from the Toscano province in Italy about a situation that developed when poet Robert Browning was composing his newest poem, Home Thoughts, from Abroad in Italy, . It all started when the bard and his spouse were reminiscing about all things English. Bob fondly recalled the taste and texture of good old-fashioned English treacle, whereupon Elizabeth Barret revealed she had one last jar they had brought with them from England stashed away in her lingerie drawer. As they sampled the sticky, viscous delicacy together, their amorous whimsy took over and they were seen running through the fields of Tuscany smearing one another with that gooey goody and licking it off each other. Eyewitnesses described the scene when the amorous duo, escorted to the local police station by the vilage constable were observed still in passionate embrace, treacle running down both their legs.
As a bizarre consequence of a change in the earths magentic field, wolves in Canada's Alberta province are starving to death. Scientists from the University of Manitoba today released research which shows that the migration path of the Caribou, staple diet of the Alberto wolves has changed dramatically in the last few years. The scientists blame a divertion of the earth's magnetic field which the caribou use to delineate their path through the frozen wastes of Northern Alberta for this change. The only solution say the scientists is for the wolves to be fitted with magnetic compasses which should allow them to realign themselves with the caribou's new found pathways through the wilderness. However animal rights activists from the CPS (Caribou Preservation Society) say that's just the wolves tough luck and it should be left to nature to sort ti out.
Calvin Klein's new scent, Unction For Men, was today blamed for one of the worst derailments in history. A small group of unmarried vestal virgins, escaping a plane load of sex-mad car mechanics from Canada, had gathered together on platform 8 at Birmingham New Street station to perform an experiment. Their aim was to mask their scent through the excessive use of Unction, thus covering their tracks. Sadly, they covered the wrong tracks... Observers said they used far too much perfume, thus creating a small flood which soon coated the rails in a slimy residue. As a result a Virgin train derailed in such an extravagent fashion that passengers were spread across a six mile radius.