Is everyone here for the editorial meeting? Ok, good. Heavy news week this week, so only the best stories are going to get space. We'll start with Cheddar Headlines. Ten words max, and the headline can be self-explanatory as in 'The Independent', or horrendously convoluted, as in, erm, The Cheesy Headline Game. Once the headline is finished, I'd like a few words containing the story in a news style, please. Subs, clear your desks, and let's get the presses rolling. Spike it once we reach the usual back page move.
A scientific report on the influential and much respected website www.davidicke.net has shown an alarming increase in cat's addiction to cheese. The report outlines research that was initiated quite by accident as researchers from the University of Nothingbettertodo, Utah were investigating how domestic cats keep themselves fit in the face of owners keeping them housebound in order to avoid the perils of the real world such as cat fights, being chased by dogs and eating too much fat saturated tinned catt food. Chief researcher, Fritz Klutz said "we were amazed to find that cats liked cheese. There seems to be no natural instinctive link between the hunting instinct and the consumption of prepared foodstuffs." He went on "some cats were eating several kilos of cheese per day." He continued, getting even more animated, "What is more interesting the the profile of addiction. At first we offered cats "soft" cheeses, such as Brie or Lymeswold, but we soon found them wanting stronger cheeses such as Danish Blue or Stilton. But many cats got hooked on "hard" cheeses, such as Parmisan or Full Mature Cheddar. It was at this stage we found certain cats developed a fetish for cheese, many tom cats turning down offers of sex with attractive feline females in order to continue their fetishistic attachments with particular types of cheese." Fritz Klutz is 24.
[penelope]- From the AskOxford.com (Oxford Dictionary) listing: flophouse- (noun, informal, chiefly N. Amer.) a dosshouse; a cheap lodging house for homeless people.
A destructive rampage by guests at former Dollar lead singer David Van Day's low-budget hotel has resulted in the discovery of a previously unknown album by 1970s prog rock band Gong. Van Day has so far made no statement to the press, although the guests (including Gong founder Daevid Allen) have claimed that they were attempting to highlight the poor quality of decor at the lodging house. The album was found when floorboards were prised up by Allen. "It was being guarded by pixies," he said later, "and they told me its name. It can't be pronounced by humans, though, so I just call it Damp Feet Expressway."
The Rev. Andrew Throbbing astonished worshippers at St. Vitus Parish Church last Sunday when he stopped midway through his sermon, jumped off the pulpit and stripped naked. Grabbing a nearby candlestick he proceeded to hit himself repeatedly on the head while shouting out "Pulsate no more! I will pulsate no more!" "It was amazing" exclaimed long-time parishioner Marjorie Smith, 85, "I never thought he had so much hair on his chest." The other member of the congregation, Marjorie's nephew Peter, 7, said "Better than Tellytubbies!" Throbbing was later escorted to a waiting ambulance and whisked off to a local nursing home.
The Serbian and Croatian Legislatures, in a rare act of cooperation, have simultaneously and unanimously passed new legislation banning TV in cars as part of a broader campaign to curb all types of pollution affecting Serbian and Croatian children. "The proliferation of programs such as Sponge Bob Square Pants and The Simpsons on TV has led to the mental pollution of our nations' youth" commmented Irma Veriprim-Prudic, Speaker of the Serbian House, in Belgrade. "It is enough that our children watch these shows at home; we don't want them to suffer even more mental assaults by watching TV in cars while being driven to and from school, or while stuck in traffic jams", she added.
A startling turn of events led to the collapse yesterday of Faria the Foxhound, on the stage at the annual convention of Canines without Borders, being held at the Hydrant Hotel. Faria, President of the organization, who was voted Top Dog at last year's convention, was apparently very alarmed to hear the statistics on the global feline population explosion presented by conventioneer Salma Saluki. In his comments following Saluki's presentation, Faria commented, "Make no bones about it, these felines threaten us and are the bane of our existence! What is more, they think they're the cat's meow. And what is even worse, we don't have the necessary funds in our kitty to combat this global menace. No, I'm not barking up the wrong tree by thinking so. This is no time for us to pussyfoot around the issue!". Faria got so worked up that he finally fainted from the stress. He was revived and helped to his paws by convention delegates Carlos Chihuahua and Boris Borzoi.
Women have been mincing around in his hot couture heels since the '70s, but it wasn't until the '90s that Manolo Blahnik really hit his stride, thanks in part to "Sex and the City" and Sarah Jessica Parker's shoe-obsessed character. A contemporary of Andy Warhol, Blahnik was happy to send his best wishes along with a shoe drawing for the auction at the Andy Warhol Museum's 10th Anniversary Party Saturday, April 9th at the South Side Works. The dinner is sold out, but tickets to the dance party starting at 9 p.m. are still available. (true story!)
The Walt Disney corporation has revealed that the plot for 'The Incredibles' was based on a real story. A family with amazing powers did in fact save virtually the entire planet from destruction before retreating back into obscurity. The real-life culminating battle resulted in the laying waste and destruction of a large portion of a town centre. However as the real town concerned was Slough in Berkshire, no-one actually noticed.
The notorious and inane booty hunter, Mr. Serge Wigglinbotham, has finally uncovered evidence to suggest that the buttocks of famous actress and pop star Jennifer Tropez are indeed (as many have suspected) false. Rooting around in a discarded suitcase he found in a garbage dumpster within the actress' sprawling Florida estate, Serge discovered the suitcase had a false bottom. Within that fake interior he found a discarded pair of women's underwear with built-in padding, mimicking grossly enlarged glutei maximi. Wigglinbotham reported his scoop in an interview and picture spread featured in this week's tabloid rag, The Exploiter.