Is everyone here for the editorial meeting? Ok, good. Heavy news week this week, so only the best stories are going to get space. We'll start with Cheddar Headlines. Ten words max, and the headline can be self-explanatory as in 'The Independent', or horrendously convoluted, as in, erm, The Cheesy Headline Game. Once the headline is finished, I'd like a few words containing the story in a news style, please. Subs, clear your desks, and let's get the presses rolling. Spike it once we reach the usual back page move.
Uganda's Ministry of Wildlife today announced the alarming news that the rare subspecies of wildebeest Connochaetus boombamii which is found only in that nation's most remote Meanamin National Park is close to extinction. Ministry spokesperson Idono Nathan said that global warming is the likely cause. This wildebeest variety has a unique built-in mechanism of controlling its own population (as do lemmings), in that aged animals who can no longer digest the native grasses adequately build up vast quantities of methane gas in their abdomens which cause them to explode in the midday heat. But now due to global warming, another grass species had proliferated in the park, which when grazed, builds up vast amounts of methane in the abdomens of even young animals, causing them to explode prematurely. This has led to the unfortunate decimation of the population of this lovely animal. The World Wildlife Fund is expected to announce a grassroots campaign to save this unique species of wildebeest.
BBC4 spokesman I.M. Sanguin announced that July will be "Vampire Movie" month. Movies, informative documentary features, plays, musicals and operettas, ballets, Kabuki and Noh dramas and chat shows relating to Dracula and vampires in general will be broadcast around the clock. As a promotion, they are offering the first 100 viewers who sign up on their website and complete the sentence "I'd like enlarged Dracula teeth because...." to receive free of charge (and post paid) a set of oversized glow-in-the dark canine teeth. Further details can be found at www.special_offer/bbc4Canine/VV.
A scientific report on the influential and much respected website www.davidicke.net has shown an alarming increase in cat's addiction to cheese. The report outlines research that was initiated quite by accident as researchers from the University of Nothingbettertodo, Utah were investigating how domestic cats keep themselves fit in the face of owners keeping them housebound in order to avoid the perils of the real world such as cat fights, being chased by dogs and eating too much fat saturated tinned catt food. Chief researcher, Fritz Klutz said "we were amazed to find that cats liked cheese. There seems to be no natural instinctive link between the hunting instinct and the consumption of prepared foodstuffs." He went on "some cats were eating several kilos of cheese per day." He continued, getting even more animated, "What is more interesting the the profile of addiction. At first we offered cats "soft" cheeses, such as Brie or Lymeswold, but we soon found them wanting stronger cheeses such as Danish Blue or Stilton. But many cats got hooked on "hard" cheeses, such as Parmisan or Full Mature Cheddar. It was at this stage we found certain cats developed a fetish for cheese, many tom cats turning down offers of sex with attractive feline females in order to continue their fetishistic attachments with particular types of cheese." Fritz Klutz is 24.