Is everyone here for the editorial meeting? Ok, good. Heavy news week this week, so only the best stories are going to get space. We'll start with Cheddar Headlines. Ten words max, and the headline can be self-explanatory as in 'The Independent', or horrendously convoluted, as in, erm, The Cheesy Headline Game. Once the headline is finished, I'd like a few words containing the story in a news style, please. Subs, clear your desks, and let's get the presses rolling. Spike it once we reach the usual back page move.
The Langfield Arts Center is launching its new season of experimental comedies with "Botswana Brothel Brouhaha," by Mike Jeffreys, a knockabout farce set in an African bawdyhouse. All seems well among the prostitutes and their clients, until the madame's fiancé, who believes the building to be a high-class hotel, reveals himself to be a member of the vice squad! Will the ladies of dubious virtue win him over before he discovers the real reason why all the businessmen attending the International Drainage Conference are naked from the waist down? It promises to be riotous fun for all the family, and tickets start at just £5.00. Starring Hugh French as the fiancé (best known as the nervous postman from TV's "Dodgy Doggy Nips"™ dogfood advert), "Botswana Brothel Brouhaha" opens for a one-week run starting on June 15th.
A Doctor Who impersonator made a one-man protest at Gleneagles today, a month in advance of the G8 summit. He blamed the unreliability of his dematerialisation circuits for missing the conference. His warnings that some of the intended delegates were alien impersonators were "not taken seriously", police said. However, as a precautionary measure, a wheelie bin cull has been announced. Local Doctor Who spotters suspect a cover-up.
An unusually smooth coup d'etat occured in the Peoples Republic of Crudistan last week when a crowd of amateur players staged a special show to celebrate their beloved presidents birthday. The premier, 96 year-old Vladmir Tyrantski, was wheeled out onto the presidential palace balcony by his bodyguard but they panicked when the performance of the Mikado bagan. A spokesman for the new revolutionary government party, The New Crudistan Vaudeville Players, said: "All hell broke loose when the chorus of 'Behold! the Lord High Executioner' began. The guards seemed to get confused. First of all the president's wheelchair was tipped over the balcony and the national guard began piling their guns in the Square of the Brave Peoples of the Revolution 1917. The next thing we knew was that Nanki Poo (played by Yuri N'thashit) had been hoisted up into the palace and declared president. The audience then stormed the governerment offices to get out of the rain."