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World's Worsest
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Start with World's Worst Chat Up Lines, till it wears out then start a new topic.
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Ladies and gentlemen, contrary to what it says in your inflight magazine, you won't be able to have your palm and tarot read or your horoscope calcuated by our normal onboard seer. Unfortunately, she decided not to come on the flight today.
Welcome aboard flight SOS13 on Macbeth Airlines, we'll be cruising at an altitude of approximately 13,013 feet and our journey will take us safely under the famous "ladder" cloud formation just north of Bermuda. We're afraid there's no salt left on board as it was all spilt on takeoff when we swerved to avoid that black cat on the runway. Shortly our cabin crew will begin demonstrating our new range of Macbeth Airlines souvenirs, including our ever popular umbrellas. I'm flight commander James "Lucky" McDeath, wishing you a pleasant and comfortable flight. [Projoy] That's gooood :)
The bad news is we've almost run out of jet fuel. The good news is that our pilot Captain Mahoney started out his career by flying test gliders for the RAF.
"This is your captain speaking. Are you prepared for an event one does not witness everyday ladies and gentlemen? If you would each maueuver so you can look sharply out the windows to the west there can shortly be seen a trio of airforce jet fighters scrambling to greet us."
Ladies and Gentlemen, we would like to welcome you aboard our non-stop flight to Los Angeles. Our flying time tonight is scheduled to be 13 hours and 26 minutes. And I would like to extend a special welcome to all of those families traveling to the Third Annual Chronic Infant Colic and Earache Convention...
We are about to return to terra firma: Drinks are now complementary and, please, feel free to have your last cigarette.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Air Marshall speaking. You may remain at ease, there is no cause for alarm, this announcement is directed at the attractive lady in the aisle seat of row 57. Ma'am, could you kindly take yourself out of harms way by quickly exiting your seat and sprawling in the aisle? It is imperative I get a clean head shot at the international terrorist seated directly behind you."
Next!

Worst idea for a TV programme

You've Been Sued! Jeremy Beadle fakes injury at the hands of a member of the public, and brings legal action. Follow the hilarious chase through the courts! See the victim's mental breakdown as the lawyers eat up his life savings! Will he win before the money runs out?

Why Bother: Those contestants from You've Been Sued! who didn't make it through the series. That is, they are broke and bonkers. All failed idiots to be placed in a confined space for as long as it takes for one of them to be, literally, the 'last man standing'. The prize is a lifetime of care (to be provided by the show's sponsor, the NHS).

Waking with Sinus Sores - an indepth, endoscopic look at infections of the nose.
Suburb! This week Kirsty Young shows off her teeth and tits in some of the nicer parts of Basingstoke. Next week - The thrills of Didsbury.
(I had one more world's worst airline announcement: "Ladies and Gentlemen, if you look out of the left side of the plane you should be able to see the Sears Tower hoving into view. If any passenger can give me one reason to go on living in the next 120 seconds, I might not steer this goddamned plane into it.")
Pigsties of the Rich and Famous. Check out the lifestyle of the pigs of the filthy rich and famous at their country estates. See how the other half wallow. The first Episode "And I am a Material Sow" features Miss Piggy, Madonna and Guy Ritchie's 's prize pig at their country estate in Dorset.
MC Five-O A fast-paced drama along the lines of the acclaimed old Hawaii Five-O filled with quick-witted verbal sleuths who pursue ne'er-do-gooders (while trying to one-up one another) through the London underground. Filled with a host of unique and most remarkable characters, such as Chalky, Projoy, the enigmatic CdM, Dujon, RedSnapper, Dandalf, Raak, blamelewis (the pernennial scapegoat), I'mNotJohn (oh yes, he is!), d.c., nights, PaulWay and the arch-villain irach, among others.
Hmmm... scapegoat... The Goat Hunters pseudo-scientific docu-drama approach to regional farming programs. Some serious chick who used to be on the Bill and Nick Ross sit all night in a straw filled shed in the Cotswolds freezing their arses off, while three geeks rejected from Time Team prepare sophisticated detection equipment salvaged from the nearby barn. Meanwhile in the warmth of the studio Peter Snow interviews a clergyman about whether there is a dog.
The Old News Channel, showing 24-hour reruns of what was happening today exactly 1, 5, and 10 years ago.
[Raak] I'd watch that!
Unabridged Grown-Up Social Inclusion Jackanory - care in the community patients and members of linguistic minorities read out books like War and Peace or Middlemarch from cover to cover. Improves their English and entertains all at the same time!
The Pistil Maze - teams of executives from Surrey must locate pollen and pollinate a flower in 45 minutes.
Keep Left! More exciting footage from the Croydon LBC bollard-replacement team. Contains strong language.
Shakespeare Mimed - If a sonnet falls on deaf ears, would it sound as sweet? Or, if you choose, imagine Hamlet masking emotion, adorned in only a snug leotard, delivering his soliloquy to an audience of the hearing impaired.
Changing Gardens A team of earthmovers come along and pick up your garden and dump it on your neighbour's, while they try to do the same to you. A laugh a minute as the JCBs clash in the streets.

[Raak] It was news of 25 years ago and it was called All Our Yesterdays. I used to watch it regularly.

Plaque! A History - presented by Janet Street-Porter.
Children's Boxing
Tomorrow's World, a weekly magazine programme detailing all the latest environmental disasters, wars, mad science, political corruption, social disintegration, and all the other reasons why we're all doomed and everyone should just stick their head in an oven.
Lust: A show which is expected to run for many seasons. It will include such luminaries as Michael Jackson, Michael Parkinson, Michael J Fox and a sprinkling of other Michaels who will analyse in depth the last five years of reality television. This show will include everything from childrens' television to deep and meaningful interviews and, of course, nudity. Although things could get shaky at times, it will be the reality show to end all reality shows. Not to be missed.
Nine Lives - With a new breed of pampered kitten featured each week, a method approach delving into the myth that the domesticated cat [Felis domesticus] can surmount eight of nine fatal accidents. [Directed by Quentin Tarantino of 'Pulp Fiction' fame.]
Naked Big Brother
24-hour Rolling News Watch very serious people tell you about small earthquakes in Chile all day long.
The Household Cavalry - Some shows focus on families or neigbourhoods with problems: arguments, children's discipline, debt and cleaning are all fixed by practical help and talking. The Household Cavalry is a wholly new concept. They only intervene in the most severe cases - the ones where hope of a peaceful solution is lost and only a violent slaughter of at least half the family with Kalashnikov assault rifles will really work. Ex-SAS Captain Rigby Mates leads the gun-toting team, flying into trouble spots on poor estates across the UK and cutting down the number of ASBOs - permanently!
Paedowatch - Live coverage of the release of convicted child sex offenders and moment-by-moment accounts of their re-housing. If you want to pop around, their names and addresses are given on screen at the end of each episode, when the camera crews will drive off.
Witch Kitchen: Be amazed, be astounded, be gobsmacked! This show has been in the making for years and would have been available on your screen two seasons ago if it were not for the unfortunate passing of some of the contestants. See the craft of the modern chav and the methods necessary to bring about an untimely death. Marvel at the knowledge of the fields and hedgerows of merrie olde England displayed by this disparate group of wannabees. You be the judge (no one else would take on the job). Can you match this in your own culinary exploits? Can you identify the
Hungarian Scrabble: Watch Istvan Csabo and Attilla Szonyi, Hungarian national Scrabble champions duke it out at the Budapest Invitational Tournament. The suspense mounts as Istvan decides whether it is better strategy to use his "Z" in the word "zsoltan" and settle for a double word score, or try for a triple word score with "szeged" but then open up the possibility of his opponent building onto the "Z" as well.
Who Wants To Be Enlightened? Contestants answer a series of koans and must decide whether to stop at the bodhisattva level or risk all to win ultimate liberation from the wheel of existence.
The Sty At Night Amazing infra-red footage from farms in Lincolnshire. With David Attenborough.
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