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Cleri Who's Who
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Four lines rhyming AABB - scansion, rhythm, metre and all that malarkey is as random as-u-like. Oh yes - the featured subject, usually a person, is mentioned in the first line.
Here's a full and frank(ly better) intro by Thos along with some that were made earlier.
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Zoltán Kodály It must be
Hidden textWould die-y.
(So says Rosie) would die-y.
Fact: my father (who worked in BBC Radio) made a telephone request to the BBC Sheet Music library for "Could I But Express In Song" (Composer unknown) and received a memo back a few days later reporting that no record could be found of "Kodály: Buttocks-pressing Song".
[Kim] What I particularly love about that anecdote is the window it gives us into the mental world of whoever took down your father's request.
Avogadro
Do you mean the bishop or the count? Sadly we will never know.
We'll assume you mean the man with the famous number
Being 6.0221367 x 10 to the power of 23 which if one is not of a chemical bent, is likely to induce slumber.
The T.U.C.
Right now doesn't have a lot of time for Ton-ie
It would have even less for a Tory
End of story.
The Queen
Drinks Ovaltine
While Prince Phillip
Prefers a Mint Julep
Silvio Berlusconi (Robin) One's Mint Julep?
For your support he'll bung you a pony
It'd be handy for riding into town
If Yankee Doodle doesn't and lets us down
Andrew Strauss
Is not the one who composed Die Fledermaus
That will do for an opener
Of his success his wife has some hope in 'er
[Darren] Well rescued! [Rosie] Couldn't think of many other drinks that rhyme with Phillip. However,
Phil the Greek
Thought my reference to his liking Mint Julep a cheek
For when it came to his favourite booze, oh
He much preferred Ouzo.
(Robin) Here, drink this; it'll give you a fillip.
George the Third
Sometimes he though that he was a little bird
During his reign there were two Prime Ministers called William Pitt
Though they had different ages which helped a bit
Brad Pitt
American upper class twit
He'll never be Prime Minister
Maybe politics is not so sinister.
Angelina Jolie
Does a surprisingly accurate impersonation of Buddy Holly
Now she just needs to find her Ritchie Valens and Big Bopper
But she could try to do Fred Astair in a topper
Quentin Crisp
Despite many affectations went to great lengths to disguise his lisp
He made no bones about the fact that he was as camp as a row of tents
And enjoyed the company of other gents
Jackson Pollock
Dedicated his art to the service of Moloch
Although his technique was somewhat simple
(Instead of painting, he just squeezed a pimple)
Tilda Swinton
Strangely has a name that sounds like a mark of punctuation
She appeared naked in Orlando
But never did appear onscreen with Marlon Brando.
Robert the Bruce
With the English played fast and loose
Legend has it he learned a life lesson from a spider
Which an old lady swallowed, and it wriggled and wiggled and tickled inside her.
Gerardus Mercator (for it is he)
Not to be confused with Nicholas, the mathematician and music theorist, noted for his works on natural logs and "53 equal temperament", who lived roughly a century later,
Developed a famous map projection
But suffered because of the Catholic church's rejection
Sir George Everest
Never really knew when to give it a rest
A man of precision
Not an object of derision
Peter Gabriel
When trying to intone the word "grill" always, for some reason, managed to say "griel"
Founded Genesis and then left it to Phil Colins who hung in rather longer
Thereby earning a great deal more "wonga".
Eve
Felt quite the outsider once Adam met Steve
But God disapproved
Thus the Gay Rights campaign ensued.
Adam
Took a right ribbing from Eve, the little madam
Pretty soon, yielding to temptation, they got to breedin'
Followed by many months of breast-feedin'
Heinrich Rudolf Hertz
Had a pet iguana that was bigger than Prince Albert's
His descendants rented vans
And his name had some letters in common with that bloke who put beans in cans
William Morris
Provided calligraphy for an 1876 edition of The Odes of Horace
But best remembered for his contributions to the world of wallpaper and other interior designs and decorations
And sometimes his orations
Eleanor of Aquitaine
Of both France and England she became queen
Mother of Richard the Lionheart
Had a sister named Petronilla, but not (to my knowledge) a brother named Bart.
Michael Portillo
Has many a peccadillo
Having been pipped as Tory leader by IDS he resigned his seat
If not in control of the kitchen he couldn't take the heat.
Ezra Pound
During the Second World War was mostly renowned
Particularly for his fascist views
Which at the time was bad news.
King Leonidis of ancient Sparta
Though not generally recorded in history books, was a champion farter
His expulsions were legion
And but for a system of funnels which channeled them harmlessly underground, would have decimated the region.
Al Gore
Informed environmentalists that a rare sort of spore
Had infected the White House
And had replaced the President with a woodlouse
Ada Lovelace
Devised the first computer program with a smile on her face
In that respect she worked on the difference engine with Charles Babbage
Who had the countenance of an old cabbage.
Helen of Troy
Was mad about the boy
Her face may have launched a thousand ships
More likely to have been her snaky hips.
Caligula
Would diddle with his sister quite regula'
While Nero
Was nobody's hero.
Sir Alec Guinness
Had bones of a most extraordinary thinness
This caused problems while playing Obi Wan Kenobi
And which is why the lost the role of Genghis Khan to a horribly miscast John Wayne in "The Conqueror", to lead a horde of Mongols across the barren Gobi.
Geoffrey Chaucer
Liked to sip his tea not from a cup, but a saucer
He liked to write in English about ordinary folk
While eating omelets made without the yolk
Mr. T
"I pity the fool," says he
He's reformed and divested himself of heavy gold chains
But you still won't get him on aeroplanes.
Sean Bean
Could never be a drag queen
He played Boromir in Lord of the Rings
The only semi-convincing performance he's managed in a role that was just one of many, the others largely disappointing things.
Don Rumsfeld
Needs his bumps felt
After being called "incompetent strategically, operationally and tactically"
Politically he's dead, practically.
Nancy Pelosi
Has never met even a single solitary one of America's many Mafiosi
But Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin
Were claimed to be so close to Carlo Gambino as to frequently hear him fartin' (Sorry,....coat!)
Gary Gygax
Gets +1 to all his attacks
His Vorpal Sword
Gives him that reward
John Stonehouse
Had no nous
He failed to realise that just leaving a pile of clothes on a beach
Would not necessarily convince the Director of Public Prosecutions that he had succumbed to a watery grave and was consequently out reach.
Rolf Harris
Once painted Niles Crane's first wife Maris
Probably a more significant sitter for the bearded Oz was Queen Elizabeth the Second
Who was hoping she'd be depicted as a kangaroo more than Rolf reckoned
Steve Irwin
Often dangled raw meat in front of crocodiles whose dinner he was servin'
His boldness was his demise
Said Germain Greer who was ever so sad that she had no chance to say her goodbyes
Ricky Ponting
Whose captaincy in the last Ashes series was found wanting
Relied heavilly on Shane Warne
But for whose contribution Australian hopes would have been folorn.
Alan Rickman
Has never had a suntan
But could he be a lovey, having trod the boards at the RSC?
That may be true, but his best work is on film, if you ask me.
John Barrowman
Is not portly; nor is he a slender narrow man
Seems to have a predilection for science fiction
In which he has a glamorous depiction
Nouri Kamal Al-Maliki
Heads a government that's cliquey
When shove comes to push
He wants rid of Bush as expected, Raak?
Link, frequent rescuer of Princess Zelda,
Actually plotted her abductions, so he could have an excuse for jumping into the fray each time, and to have held her
nice
Like your local bobby
It's done as a hobby quickly moving on ...
Paul Merton (Softers) Exactly as I had hoped. :-)
Paul Merton Try again
Is often certain
But his guest
He sometimes views as a pest
Matt Lucas
Can find comedy in the darnedest things, like the North Korean leader's threats to nuke us
But on the other hand his partner-in-crime David Walliams
Is basically a persistent depressive and is hooked on the Valiums.
Spike Milligan
Was mad, and shot flowers with a lily gun
But his radio, poetry and books
Are all worth second looks
Armando Iannucci
Can afford Gucci
He's even had his own television and radio shows
but where the humour was, nobody knows
The Editor of the News of the World
Spent £95 having his hair curled
However, the present holder of this post
Still publishes far more bollocks than most That was hard
Dame Judi Dench (Softers) I cocked up on the 3rd line, thinking that the Ed. was the abysmal Rebekah Wade
A very British wench
Until she got stuck in the water closet
-- Now that wasn't a very nice thing to mention, was it?
Helen Mirren
His in Austrilian mite called Dirren [Softers] Another nice easy rhyme [all Australian Crescenters] apologies
And all the corks dangling from his hat
Showed he was a bit of a twat. Further apologies.
Shilpa Shetty
Found the behaviour of her fellow contestants rather petty
Particularly that of the rather ugly and overweight "celebrity" Jade Goody
But the boss of Channel 4 wouldn't condemn it, would 'e?
Richard Harris
Left his cake out in the rain, but him it did not seem to embarrass
When acting, he used to ham a lot
And when shooting the movie musical about the Arthurian legend he was known to shout "Damn!" a lot
Barack Obama - careful now
According to certain rumour-mongerers is a radical Muslim just like Osama
The Democratic party is divided about his suitability as the Presidential candidate
But most of the rest of the country is piqued by the possibility of a leader who actually can orate
D'ye ken John Reid?
Aye, indeed!
some say he has accepted the poisoned chalice
Others detect a degree of malice.
Lord Michael Levy
Founded the label Magnet Records which featured many recording artists, but never ever the Wonder man, Stevie
This avails him naught
'Cos the bugger's been caught
The accused, Anthony Charles Lynton Blair
Obviously does not give a care
That he sometimes appears to be George Walker Bush's eager lap dog
And at other times appears to be wandering in the fog.
King John That last one was a bit earnest, wasn't it?
Everything he did went wrong
Whereas the Abbott of Canterbury
Didn't even make it into Wiki, in fact I think irach made him up...
[IS,P]- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_Abbot_(Archbishop_of_Canterbury)
[irach] oops. sorry.
Lou Costello
Was not always a likeable fellow
Whereas Bud Archbish Abbott
Had many a bad habit
Bob Dylan
In 1988 recorded a Woody Guthrie ballad immortalising the life of crime of "Pretty Boy" Floyd, a Depression-era bank robber and villain
He played the guitar
And the harmonica(r)
Bonnie and Clyde
Died
While Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
also did.
Major Major Major Major
Fecked off with Yossarian's pager
While Nurse Duckett
Was the under-age inamorata alluded to by Gary Puckett
Dudley Moore
Phwooar!
Five foot two inches of pure man
And as such many starlets of him became a fan
Peter Cook
Was a founder and contributor to Private Eye and once even wrote a book
He also liked the occasional drink
Better than ink
Ian Hislop
Not much cop
Still, he is the editor of Private Eye
Which must never die.
Anna Nicole Smith
Will become an urban myth
Like many of her peers, she had a romance with silicone
And she remains newsworthy, even though she's dead and gone
Captain Sisko
Had allllll the right moves, and was always a big hit down the disco
What's more, ever since his wife died
He wakes up with stabbing pains down his right side
Sorry, there just don't seem to be enough Trekkies around, so trying to unblock the game
Sir Launcelot
Was famous for using his lance a lot
But Guinevere
In the company of Lancelot's lance was known to delightfully quiver
Richard Stilgoe
Used to have a stilted show
He played his piano while standing on tall stilts
At which one's will to live wilts.
Gordon Brown, texture like sun, lays me down with my mind he runs throughout the night no need to fight...
Perpetual frown (ISP) Can you get me some of the stuff you're on?
David Cameron
Does yammer on.
Gordon Brown, finer temptress, through the ages, he's heading west. From far away, stays for a day, never a frown, with Gordon Brown
Is the MP for what was my home town.
Whereas Robin Cook
Could easily be mistaken for a crook
Stephen Fry
Thinks he is wry
Alan Davies
Doesn't understand the ravies.
Hugh Laurie
Never had a starring role in Corrie
But playing Lord Peter Wimsey
Is, as a claim to having played a great rôle, rather flimsy.
[Softers] When was that, then? I'd like to see that.
William Shakespeare
Addressed many of his sonnets to a young man, the "Fair Youth" who Willy apparently homoerotically held as dear
Whereas Keats
Wrote letters that covered many sheets See for yourself, ISP: Jeeves and Wooster.
[Softers] I've got that DVD set (Excellent) but cannot see Lord Peter Wimsey anywhere. Are you confusing him with Bertie Wooster?
After all, one is a character in humorous P.G. Wodehouse novels, the other is a Dorothy L. Sayers detective so it's an easy mistake to make.
Hercule Poirot
Never knew when to say "no"
Whereas his sidekick Captain Arthur Hastings
Spends more time at wine tastings ISP - Ahhh!...
[ISP] Somewhere on the web there's a crossover story involving Bertie Wooster the amateur cracksman and Lord Peter Wimsey.
[Raak] Any clues? All I can find is Raffles the amateur cracksman.
Georges Seurat
[ISP] Here it is.

Un broad brush n'utilisait pas

Il a préféré des dots.
Bum. Let's tidy this up...

Projoy - Georges Seurat
Raak - Un broad brush n'utilisait pas
Darren - Il a préféré des points

Quant à ses admiratrices, they went "Mwa".
Matisse
Egalement, il était impressionniste
comme Mike Yarwood
Whose soul, like Matisse's, has now gone starward
Geoffrey Chaucer
Few were coarser
But his characters were true to life
Though it's unclear whether any were based on his wife
Garibaldi
Famous for both biscuits and perhaps less importantly, the reunification of Italy
Was abducted by Shadows
Then Hank Marvin presented him to the Pope as one of many cadeaux[Raak] Do you have to go out of your way to find words with no rhymes, or is it a gift?
Margaret Beckett
Is known to yell "Feck it!"
While Donald Duck
Says something altogether different
Mickey Mouse
Has much nous
Goofy, however presented as a candidate for feedline of the month
Was very far from clever [ISP] thanks
The new Justice Ministry (departing, for a moment, from human subjects)
Is a little bit sinistery and from words with rhymes. I dunno, man of your calibre.
But the Home Office, however
Is a fundamentally oppressive endeavour
America's "Department of Homeland Defense"
Must cost a few cents
While the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms
Relies on congressional alms
Morgan Tsvangirai
Has one hell of a black eye
Even for an African, if the frivolity may be pardoned
Though after so many years of Mugabe, his physique may have hardened
Robert 'Honest Bob' Mugabe
I always at The Derby
Pisspots! For "I" read "Is".
With Zimbabwe's rate of inflation, he looses less with every race
But don't tell him that to his face.
Ronnie Corbett
Should be sent into orbit
- Just my little joke
Well, he is a little bloke
Judas Iscariot
Had such a burden of guilt that he could barely carry it
Borges wrote a story in which Judas was the Saviour
How else to explain such odd behaviour?
(Apols for taking two lines, but they came to me fully formed.)
The great prophet, peace be upon him
Surrounded in the heavens, by cherubim and seraphim
Must be pissed off at what those fundamentalists are up to
And, consoling himself in drink, found that one was insufficient, so supped two.
John Cleese
Has remarkable knees
Whereas those of Terry Jones
are knobbly old bones
Eric Idle
Studied at Heidel-
berg
He preferred that town to Stuttgart
Which he thought down at heel, or other foot part. . . . . . contrived
Posh Spice
Has lice
With a pair of shears
She'll cut off David's ears or perhaps other bits
Madonna
An adoptive momma
Is such a material girl
And wishes she'd married an imperial earl.
Harry Belafonte - This is getting to be a habit
Is the hero of US Ambassador to Iraq John Negroponte
Maybe because he wants to be in America or because he has an Island in the Sun
Or perhaps because he wants to record a song that gets to number one
Michael Vaughan - to save nfras the job
Probably wishes he had not been born
W.G. Grace [Vaughan] I prefer to pronounce it Faugh ghan, as in 'conclusion'.
Would have called him a disgrace. Nice easy one, ISP. :-)
Jenny Agutter
Few would toss the term "slag" at 'er
But you can't help but notice
To be alone with her would surpass the joys of the lotus.
Biggie Smalls
gets shot, falls
He had taken a rap
Now he takes an eternal nap
Andrew Lloyd-Webber
Wrote the musical "Jesus Christ Superstar" in which a scene depicts the protagonist healing a leper
Sarah Brightman
Is his ex-wife which perhaps is enlightenin'
Barry Cryer
Was responsible for casting the most recent TV version of 'Robin Hood', the one that omitted the Friar
Whereas Graeme Garden
Would have got the job had he not started visibly to harden
Boris Yeltsin [Darren] Yech.
Under whom most Russians had to pull their belts in
He also liked to drink and dance and slap ladies on the bottom
Whereas in the same situation Joseph Vissiarionovich Stalin would've just shot 'em
Richard Gere
Is rumoured to be queer
If so, in the entertainment industry he would not be alone (Softers) Probably apocryphal, but Michael Caine was asked if he thought Gere were gay. He replied, "Dunno, could be. Let's say 'e'd 'elp out if vey was short-'anded".
I've heard stories about Sharon Stone...
Richard Gere? A recipient of swollen goods? How very dare you!
Julia Roberts
Ahem!
Julia Roberts
Is harder to rhyme than Helen sodding Mirren
Be that as it may, she has toothache and 'er gob 'urts.
Like many movie stars she has put it about a bit
You won't read about this in her official leave-the-dirty-bits-out obit.
Prince 'Arry
Must some day marry
Perhaps he'll marry another man
's wife like his dad did - because he can...
The Reds' Daniel Agger
Can walk with a swagger. Expect Rosie to be less than full of praise...
As Rafa approaches the final with glasses tinted rosé
Let his team get slaughtered and be full of woes - eh? Nice try, Phil :-)
Old Mother Goose
Had a number of flings with a number of ganders and was therefore considered in avian circles to be quite loose
Old Father Gander
Was also known to philander
Phil
Likes to think of himself as a curmudgeon who, while not old, could be said to be in view of the top of the hill
Whereas I
Don't even have to try ;-)
Domenico Scarlatti (Pj) I can still just about see the hill, I'll have you know, young man. ;-)
Was famously catty:
In Rome, he was judged to be a better harpsichordist than Handel
[Rosie] That's me, waving curmudgeonly, from the top of the hill
To whom Haydn couldn't hold a candle.
Brian Sewell (Phil) Curmudgeonly is an adjective. You were waving curmudgeonlyly. It was obvious. :-)
Is not very cooel
But he doesn't care [Rosie] Curmudgeonously perhaps? Curmudgeonlyly is just silly :P
As long as he can pontificate about art made of pubic hair [Rosie/Tuj] It'd be curmudgeonlily anyway.
Niccolo Paganini
Didn't write itsy-bitsy-teeny-weeny-yellow-polka-dot-bikini
He did, perhaps, have double-jointed fingers [Rosie et al] curmudgeonly is also listed by the OED as an adverb with the qualification that it is rare. Perhaps curmudgeonrily might be a better adverb, as it's based on the act of being a curmudgeon.
More use to him than to singers. Invoking The North.
Jacques Chirac
He won't be back
But Nicolas Sarkozy
Finds the presidential throne cozy.
Ségolène Royal
Was brought up in the Transvaal
Not, as some believe, in the Witwatersrand
Which is where Jacques Chirac was born, on the other hand.
Damon Hill
When he parted company with Williams, the feeling was ill
Now he's older, he's feeling better
But tends to try and keep it a secret that he is still a bed-wetter
Damon Runyan
(or Runyon)
Often went to a corner stand in Times Square, Manhattan to buy a hot dog topped with mustard, relish and onion
But Mickey Spillane
Found if he did that, he'd quickly see that hot dog again.
Doctor Beeching
Close the branch-lines was his teaching
Unfortunately, this reduced the traffic on main lines too
Oh, poo.
Peter Hain
Just can't explain
That probably says it all
Which causes this clerihew to stall
MP for Barking, Margaret Hodge
Spends here evenings in a sweat lodge
Wheras the late Enoch Powell
Would stand naked in the moonlight and howl
Germaine Greer
is near
Enough a feminist to make no difference
And that statement would make her take offence
George Bush's brother Jeb
smokes Red Leb
But nobody really cares
About his heady airs.
Former First Lady, Hillary Clinton
If elected President, promises to outlaw Badminton
Her attitude to tennis
Is nothing short of menace ... using one of the FEW remaining rhymes...swiftly moving on.....
Humph
Takes one lumph
While Samantha, Colin and Sven
Eaach take ten
The late Princess Di
She and Prince Charles didn't always see eye-to-eye
But she played the doey eyed wounded princess role very well
Until she became an adulteress and went to hell (possibly)
Satan
Can be utterly infuriatin'
He can be as nasty as hell
As well.
Saint Peter
Could be neater
While Saint Paul
Wrote to all
Lord Coe
Lately unveiled a logo that was no go.
It looks like Lisa Simpson giving head
It'll probably kill the London Olympics stone dead.
Nebuchadnezzar, King of the Jews
Tossed Shadrach, Meshach and Abednago into the furnace and lit the fuse
Though technically he was really king of Babylon
And a drug addict, and in rehab belong. (Softers) Don't make it easy, do you, you bastard. -:)
Jeff Stryker
Are we referring to the one who is a porn star or the one who is a writer?
Whenever he has writer's block (candidating for feedline of the month)
He can at least be thankful that he doesn't have to resort to improving the contour of his trousers with the aid of a sock.
Lewis Hamilton
Is looking sick, ill, wan [Kim] At least it wasn't Helen Mirren.
Still, he is pretty quick
Goes at quite a lick.
Lady Hamilton, Horatio's lover
Has never been pictured on a heavy metal album cover
Horatio's lover, Lady Hamilton
Lived with him on Menorca near Mahon
Johnny Briggs
Collects outrageous wigs
His brother wrote The Snowman
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