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Cleri Who's Who
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Four lines rhyming AABB - scansion, rhythm, metre and all that malarkey is as random as-u-like. Oh yes - the featured subject, usually a person, is mentioned in the first line.
Here's a full and frank(ly better) intro by Thos along with some that were made earlier.
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For African democracy, he was a key thinker ABAB then?
Although his sense of rhyme often went for six.
Edmund Clerihew Bentley why not?
Never treated scansion particularly gently
Rhyme and coherence, though, were the sine qua non
'Tis a pity we sometimes get it wrong. ;-)
Patrick Edmund Pery, the Earl of Limerick
Was considered by The Sun a big Tory stick
While Edward (middle name unknown) Lear, the original Limerick King
Was a much less political thing
Masaoka Shiki
May have been chosen for this clerihew because to the average Westerner, unversed in Japanese pronunciation, rhyming his surname doesn't seem too tricky
Unlike, say, the common Japanese name Kinoshita
Which apparently rhymes with Peter
U Thant
Has done something that many men can't
But apparently he only had one name
His other, Pantanaw, having been discarded when he achieved, as General Secretary of the United Nations, diplomatic fame
rab Is that allowable as the start of a clerihew?
Why not him at the start of clerhew; we'll take a stab
Of course, we can't promise anything stellar
But he is a remarkable feller.
Tuj Yes, it's allowable
Of whom we are all the judge
Now stands on trial
For casting a shadow, thereby blocking the public's ability to make use of the park sun-dial.
penelope curses, caught again
Likes to see how things developpy
Whereas flerdle
Prefers to let things curdle oblig, Nowt personal :o)
Chalky rolling on
Lost her doorkey
While she normally keeps it in a jar made of china,
The frail vessel cracked, and now the thing might be anywhere from Cannes to Carolina
Darren NO-ONE is safe
Once hiked the Kalahari, which as everyone knows, is very barren
Fortunately, the local tribesmen explained how water may be found
Underground
Rosie (in that case)
Has a cherished prize posession- a tatted Victorian tea cosy
He wears it on his head
While checking the weather from his shed.
Software
Dare
Says I Say, Potter!
Well, at least he oughtta. Dubious pronunciation to fit whether or not that was a typo
Bill Gates (Chalky) How did you know that?
Mates
But Steve Jobs' not the apple of his eye
You won't find Bill gently stroking Steve's thigh
The inscrutable irach - [Rosie] Just a hunch
Is undoubtedly aware of Nobel Prize-winning physicist Paul Dirac (Chalky) Actually I haven't got a hat of any kind. :-)
But the one he really feels for
Is the misshapen form of Patrick Moore.
Niels Bohr
Was rotten to the core
A singular view, it must be said
Since his study on the way electrons orbit around the atomic core to a Nobel Prize led!
Michael Faraday
Made it a point to frequent at least one bar a day
His consumption of the odd pork scratching
Kept his ideas of electromagnetism hatching.
Dorothy Leigh Sayers
Baked a cake of many layers
One for each circle of hell, in fact, which meant that it was kind of flimsy [irach] You should have shown up an hour sooner :-)
Her pastry concoctions being known for their allegoric connotations, and not for their whimsy
Dara O'Briain
Dreams of being Brendan Behan
Excepting, perhaps, the manner of his death
And alcohol tainted breath
Linus Pauling
Whose intake of vitamin C was quite appalling
Though he lived to be a great old age
Nuclear tests filled him full of rage
Romulus, brother of Remus
Said to Scotty, "To Rome will you beam us"
Or at least, that's what Babelfish translated it to from the original Latin
Which means it's about as likely that Mars' sons wanted to go to Manhattan actually, I wish babel DID do latin translations...
New York City
Big, loud, glitzy, fast, exciting but probably not pretty
Whereas San Francisco
Has only one disco.
Pablo Neruda
Used to rewrite Gabriel Garcia Marquez' limericks in order to make them cruder
Whereas Thomas Bowdler, hardly a writer
Removed the less moral parts of the human body in order to make it lighter
Greyfriars Bobby
Had to find an appropriate place in the graveyard to do a little jobby
But Jennings
Searched for pfennings.
Managing Director of the IMF, Rodrigo de Rato y Figaredo
Whirls in and out of the office like a tornado
While Director-General of the WHO, Dr. Lee Jong-Wook
Just pops in now and then to borrow a book
William Morris
Was very fond of young Doris
However she
Was far too young for some pervy old 19th Century designer who was just too old for she.
I appreciate that was rubbish, but I had to get it out of my system.
Thelonious Sphere Monk
Botherer] ...as the author of The IT crowd should have said.
Not for him the crudities of Punk
His thunk was melodious
And he considered Punk Rock as wretched as Hell...odious
The good Saint Valentine
Had a hearty penchant for sipping too much red wine
So now we commemorate
Him by getting drunk while out on a date
Sir David Frost Bile, please
Has always been determined to get himself on TV whatever the cost
He'll shortly be broadcasting from Qatar
What a way he has to earn his bread and butter!
Richard Dimbleby
No symbol he.
His style was very proper
'Though not a show stopper
General de Gaulle
To the UK's entry into the EU said "non" and that was not all
He took out a big hanky and blew his nose
This act spoke more eloquently of his feelings than any bombastic prose
Nicolas Copernicus
Flatly refused to subscribe to the astronomical model proposed by the Catholic church and thus published De revolutionibus
Thus, and with no pun intended, he precipitated a revolution
Which was to presage a similar one which erupted a few centuries later when Darwin proposed his theory of evolution!
Goya
Painted the Dutchess of Alba nude, but (thankfully) never got to similarly paint Jackson, i.e., LaToya
Instead, he painted himself
Which, in the opinion of the Kray twins, "wa'n't no good for 'is 'elf"
Van Gogh Pronunciation - please yourselves. ©Frankie Howerd.
Whenever asked to pronounce his own last name would fake a loud cough
While not entirely anatomically intact at the end of his tragic life, his brush strokes were bold and fearless
Painting sunflowers? Peerless!
Georges Seurat
His last Hurrah
Got to the point with impressionism
Which interested him more than hedonism.
Moammar Khadaffi
Makes excellent salt-water taffy
Whereas his counterpart in Tunisia
Has no time for such things, being much busier
Alan Ball
No genius but gave his all
Do we mean the screenwriter or football player?
Neither, our local carpet layer
Stephen King
Wrote that thing
Full of horror
Where Carrie started fires and the evil gor 'er.
Julius Caesar
Was a bit of a geezer
Whilst Brutus
Threatened to shoot us
Nefertiti
Was a bit of a sweety
But what she thought of King Tut
Would have to be editorially cut
Karl Friedrich Gauss
Wrote most of his mathematical formulae on cocktail napkins at his local Bierhaus
However, it is not known if he had a magnetic personality
But he certainly had German nationality.
Jerry Lee Lewis
Never met Peter Brewis
While Dean(and Steve)Martin
Were found dead with a carton.
Brian Perkins
Amassed a vast collection of blond and brunette merkins
While on the other hand, the lovely Charlotte Brown
Would not, despite her alleged horniness, on someone who thus misnamed her, go down.
Peter André
Does his landré
In a place so very large
It resembles a theatre stage rather than un cage
Jaap de Hoop Scheffer
Being Dutch, loves the Fresian heffer
The heifer is not amused
Although, admittedly, somewhat confused
Pete Tong
Has not been around that long
Not everyone's name has passed into Cockney rhyming slang
Not even The Emperor Wang.
Pele
Was never involved in a goalmouth mêlée
Unlike Bobby Tambling
Who, as a Jehovah's Witness, preached in the goalmouth and was oft accused of rambling
Lord Reith (Softers) Yeah, nobody's perfect, but 200 goals will do me nicely.
The first director of the BBC who ruled it like a feudal chief [Rosie] Yes, despite what some people think, football is not a religion.
Determined to inform, educate and entertain
The way it is now would have driven him insane.
Ronan O'Rahilly
Always signs his e-mails with a smiley
Quite unlike Ronan Tynan
Who sends emails without signin'.
Yanni
Probably does not speak Azerbaijani
Which may have helped his defence when accused of domestic battery by his his girlfriend, Silvia Barthes
He wouldn't have done anything to harm his hands, his lawyer says
W. G. Grace
Had a hairy face
But what was really weird
Is that he wore a false beard
Ernest Hemingway
Never wrote a play
Except in Key West
A place most detest.
Steve Punt
****!
Hails from Hackney Wick
D***
Armando Iannucci
A Glaswegian Italian, though never wears Gucci
When he is reminded of the Friday Night Armistice
Dithers around like a Useless Eustace
Dylan Moran
Was wonderful in Black books, but opinion is divided about his lead in the forthcoming Ken Loach production of Desperate Dan
Despite his fame, the English-speaking world is divided on which syllable of his surname should be stressed;
Which leaves me, for one, impressed
Rasputin
Is surrounded by many myths which I'm glad to be refutin'
Among which is his stated power over the late Tsarina
Which gave him unbridled access to her vagina. Latin pronuciation invoked.
Graham Dott
Not a ball he can't pot
But is he anything of a looker?
Not important if he can play snooker Invoking Lancashire accent
Snoop Doggy Dog
Keeps the pro-censorship lobby agog
Whereas Pam Ayres
Writes poems about which nobody really cares Nice lady, really
Charles Clarke
Enjoys releasing prisoners for a lark
Which, I suppose is fine...
If they commit no further crime
Sergio Leone
Has been unfairly characterised as a one-trick pony
In fact he had no tricks at all
Like Paul Daniels, who's small.
Jeff Daniels
Buys a lot of electrical goods but never reads the manuals
Whereas George Clooney
Is as likely to play in the World Cup as Wayne Rooney
Isaac Asimov
Though that most science fiction critics just tried to pass 'im off
In fact, they loved him (at least posthumously)
And now he is hailed almost unanoomously. mercy killing
Arthur C Clarke
Doubted the very existence of a quark
He believed the true nature of subatomic particles would be forever unexplained
(At least until God had been named)
John Wyndham
Was distraught when he wrote stories and others binned 'em
The Midwich Cuckoo did not suffer this fate
Nor did The Day of the Triffids, which was great.
James Tiptree, Junior
Wrote her books with a pen made from a petunia
Thus did her career flower
Although her act of killing her husband, and then shooting herself made some of her loyal readers really cower.
Barry Cryer
Could have joined the Church and become a Friar
In a school pantomime he once played the comical Friar Tuck
His bad luck.
Noah
Was a bit of a goer
He built The Ark
But not the Cutty Sark.
Lot
About his wife he gave not a Jot
He sneered at her as he drank his favourite malt
But her subsequent mineralisation was entirely her own fault.
Job
Was generally thought a snob
While Zachariah
Became a bit of a pariah (I always thought "Job" was pronounced to rhyme with "robe.")
The Apostle Paul (Darren) It is. This must've been a job lot.
Was also known as Saul
But Mark
Was never known as Clark.
Judas Iscariot Balancing the ying and yang
Hung himself from a tree using a noose on his lariat
His hair was red
It was said.
Adam and Eve
Wouldn't believe
That the simple apple
Would lead to them being immortalized in Michelangelo's painting in the Sistine Chapel.
Prince Charles
Rarely snarls
Although he does talk a lot of drivel
And on occasion is known to snivel.
Louis Pasteur
Preferred Mademoiselle to Monsieur
Apologies and an alternate more suited to the game.
Found prevention more viable than cure
While Marie Curie
Pressed on regardless, to her Safety Officer's fury.
Anton Lavoisier
Had absolutely nothing to do with the brassiere
But that's not to say
That he wasn't loved by Mrs. Lavoisier
Cary Grant
Married my aunt
And Garfunkel
Was described as Simon's carbuncle (avoiding the obvious...)
To boldly draw the line....
Was described as Simon's carbuncle
Sid James
Was adept at card games
Not so Hattie Jacques (Dandalf) Neat.
Hardly a card shark
[irach] Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't Hattie Jacques' surname pronounced to rhyme with "rakes"?
Oh well, I stand corrected. Here's an alternative line...Who, when playing gin rummy made such terrible mistakes.
Sherpa Tensing
Was never obsessed with skin cleansing
Therefore, he led a lonely life
Shunned by one and all, including his wife
Sir Edmund Hilary
Was surprised to find himself in the pillory
Because he thinks that modern mountaineers are too blasé
About considering human life just passé.
"Dave" Cameron
His political rivals would like to put him in the slammer on
The basis that he attracts women like flies
They do admire his shapely thighs
Magellan,
Or "Ferdie-baby" as addressed by Sir Ian McKellen Crap, but what else is there?
Did a bit of circumnavigation a while ago which has led to his name being used for a Global Positioning Satellite system because there is a tenuous connection
Why not vote for him at the next General Election?
Michelangelo (Rosie)- there was "felon, melon, Helen, no tellin'..."
Liked to indulge in the odd fresco
Whereas J M W Turner (Softers) I am far too innocent to know about felons or indeed melons. :-)
was a bit of a watercolour churner
W. G. Grace
How could he be such a good cricketer with such a hairy face?
Consider the baby-faced Babe Ruth
Who hit seven hundred and fourteen home runs! Streuth!
Svennis Yeah, I know you don't call him that. At least this should be rhymeable.
Became known as "The Swedish Menace"
While Bjorn Borg
bored.
Obi-Wan Kenobi
Gets someone to do his dhobi
While Luke Skywalker
Watches Night Stalker
Alec Guiness
Was a great fan of Neil Innes
He used dream of being in the Rutles with Neil
Until someone told him he didn't have the right 'feel'
Johannes Brahms
Possessed the standard number of arms
Which limited the type of music he was able to write
Yet, on the other hand, playing Chopin's piano pieces is facilitated by one's possession of supernumary digits on one of one's hands- the right.
Humph
Triumph
Brooke-Taylor
Failure (As if Brooke-Taylor rhymed with Failure... I ask you)>
Graeme Gardner
Seldom, if ever, greeted people saying "Howdy, Pardner!"
Unlike Graeme Garden (who is Graeme Gardner?)
Even when he visits Henley-in-Arden. (Darren) I think Chalky's been working too hard and by way of compensation may be in her cups at this late hour.
Bill Oddie oblig.
What a body!
So hairy!
No fairy!
Sam Loyd
Created the 14-15 Puzzle that any smartarse would avoid
Whereas Erno Rubik
Had ideas more cubic
Laszlo Bíró more world-famous Hungarians . . .
Was on the ball and is now upheld as a writers hero
Whilst Marçel Bich
Failed to click pronunciation assumed
Hieronymus Bosch
Thought by some to be the inventor of power tools, but that's tosh. (Softers) :-)
But Salvador Dali
Considered a genius by some, but, by God, didn't he over do it? Some of his work wouldn't even be accepted by the people of Mali.
Not that I'm claiming Malians have no taste in art. If you can show me the proof, I'll retract...
Roy Liechtenstein
Thought pop art was very fine
While Andy Warhol
Might have come with something worthwhile if he'd dug a borehole.
Tom Cruise
Makes me snooze
And Katie Holmes
Inspires no pomes.
Houdini
Drank Martini
Whereas Cyrano
Played with Meccano . . . one for the oldies . . .
I.M. Pei
Designed the glass pyramid structure over the Louvre that is reviled and adored equally by Parisians and was brought to dubious fame by Dan Brown whose yarn is, quite frankly, pie in the sky
On the other hand, Richard Rogers
Had no truck with bodgers.
Oscar Hammerstein
Would that the the first or second in line?
"The the the the the the," was one lyric he wrote
In response to which, Richard Rodgers left him a very snotty note
Che
Whaddya say?
He was a middle-class Argentinian that ended up as a Marxist revolutionary in Cuba somehow
And on to grace t-shirts worn by those who think they're cool now.
Fidel Castro
Is the maestro
He reeks of cigars
He hated the Czars.
Ho Chi Minh
Had quite a few hairs on his chinny chin chin
On the other hand, Nguyen Van Thieu
Considered shaving to be very much part of his world view
Syd Barrett
The last brick just fell out of his garret
After they'd sacked him, the rest of Floyd wished he was here
Although, had he stayed, would David Gilmour have had a career?
Nelson Mandela
Had an ex-wife Winnie whose behviour was far from stellar
He crossed paths in a peaceful way with F.W. de Klerk
Who viewed the end of apartheid as more than just a quirk (sorry to get two lines into this one; it's just that it's been languishing unfinished for days...)
Kylie Minogue (irach) Fair enough, but to rhyme it has to be said in deep Scouse. :-)
A neighboutly girl whose singing was at one time very much in vogue
If only she'd stayed with Jason Donovan
Nice boy, but they wouldn't have got in on often.
Alanis Morisette
Is old enough to have recorded on casette
Whereas Jo Brand
Is old enough to have had her act recorded in longhand
Stephen Harper
Wishes that Shay Given would not sign a new contract at Newcastle United, and just scarper. I suspect we may not be talking about the same Mr Harper, but the NUFC reserve goalie is the only one I know
Meanwhile Tim Krul
Maybe only young but is certainly no fool
Folk troubadour Bob Dylan
Was held to be the evangelist of the sixties protest movements but their attribution was misgiven
As for Pete Seeger [Phil] No we're not, but yours is better.
When it came to the shift from acoustic to electric, he wasn't eager
Jimi Hendrix
Did bluesy note-bend tricks
With his teeth
Which numbered twenty-six
I never realised before that "teeth" rhymed with "six!"
[Darren] I must have been in CleriGlowWorm mode.
How about:
Jimi Hendrix
Did bluesy note-bend tricks
With his teeth
Which were woven into his wreath
Germaine Greer Chalky] Nice save
Has no peer
And Simone de Beauvoir
Has said au r'voir.
Jean-Paul Sartre
Jean-Paul Sartre
Was an existentialist old fartre
Nevertheless, his works confronted basic religious bprinciples and he thus seriously pissed off Pope Pius the twelfth who had his books banned for reading by the good catholic faithful
For which only they were grateful.
Jean-Jacques Rousseau
Sired many children and encouraged his friends to do so
Among his enemies was Voltaire
Who, among his other contributions to the Enlightenment, first coined the term au pair
Zinedine Zidane
Everyone but the French thinks he's insane
Never mind how much he was provoked by Materazzi
You can't do that in front of so many paparazzi
[Tuj] Brilliant - I couldn't think of a 4th line, but I hoped someone would be inspired :-)
Vladimir Putin
Won his political spurs while disputin' [Phil] I blush!
This is the way with most politicians (Tuj) You shouldn't. It were a good'un.
But (sharp intake of breath) when it comes to estimates and billing, you'll find it's a practice employed by numerous electricians
Steve McClaren
His future looks barren
While David Beckham
Will do fine, since he does not allow wife Posh Spice to henpeck him.
Monty Panesar
Looks pretty solid, so far
And good old Ian Bell
Wrote Elite with David Braben, which sold rather well
Samuel L. Jackson
Is not Anglo-Saxon
Whilst Sean Bean
Is Martian and green
"Doctor" John Reid
Is soft in the heid
He thinks that plastic bags are the best defence against terrorist bombers
And, inserts, wrongly too, many commas.
"Doctor" Gillian McKeith
Would have appalled Lord Reith
An Australian self appointed nutritional expert, though thought to be a quack
How can we persuade the Australians to take her back?
George Jean Raymond Pompidou
Il est mort, mais ils sont les autres en son lieu
Contrairement à Jean-Marie le Pen
Le leader du partie <>, qui est electé again et again.
Drat, that was the parti «Front National»
Sir Alan Sugar
When crossed, can be an ill-tempered old bugger
And when tired
You're fired I guess that was what you had in mind, pen
Brian Blessed
Playing Fancy Smith in Z Cars as a policeman dress-ed
While Michael Laerned
(OOPS! That should be Learned, of course...)
Often went to fancy dress parties dressed as a St. Bernard just to move it along
Darrell Hair
Found a problem that wasn't there
Mind you, after that dubious decision his application of the law
Stuck in many people's craw
Alan Bennett
Wrote about people who say "’Ot, ennit?"
Unlike Enid Blyton
Whose characters' pronunciation was always right-on
Lee Perry
Was influential in the development of reggae and dub, particularly in Jamaica, and was diametrically opposite in style to Mungo Jerry,
Whose advocacy of drink-driving
Was perhaps what kept an otherwise promising career from thriving
Rudolf Diesel
Had a stressful life as an engineer and thus turned to lecturing with the aid of a blackboard and easel
He eliminated the need for a spark plug found in the earlier internal combustion engine design of Nikolaus Otto
And instead used it for cheap thrills whenever he was blotto
Dmitri Shostakovich
Wrote symphonies and pieces for string quartets for which (... unfinished sentence alert)
Zoltán Kodály It must be
Hidden textWould die-y.
(So says Rosie) would die-y.
Fact: my father (who worked in BBC Radio) made a telephone request to the BBC Sheet Music library for "Could I But Express In Song" (Composer unknown) and received a memo back a few days later reporting that no record could be found of "Kodály: Buttocks-pressing Song".
[Kim] What I particularly love about that anecdote is the window it gives us into the mental world of whoever took down your father's request.
Avogadro
Do you mean the bishop or the count? Sadly we will never know.
We'll assume you mean the man with the famous number
Being 6.0221367 x 10 to the power of 23 which if one is not of a chemical bent, is likely to induce slumber.
The T.U.C.
Right now doesn't have a lot of time for Ton-ie
It would have even less for a Tory
End of story.
The Queen
Drinks Ovaltine
While Prince Phillip
Prefers a Mint Julep
Silvio Berlusconi (Robin) One's Mint Julep?
For your support he'll bung you a pony
It'd be handy for riding into town
If Yankee Doodle doesn't and lets us down
Andrew Strauss
Is not the one who composed Die Fledermaus
That will do for an opener
Of his success his wife has some hope in 'er
[Darren] Well rescued! [Rosie] Couldn't think of many other drinks that rhyme with Phillip. However,
Phil the Greek
Thought my reference to his liking Mint Julep a cheek
For when it came to his favourite booze, oh
He much preferred Ouzo.
(Robin) Here, drink this; it'll give you a fillip.
George the Third
Sometimes he though that he was a little bird
During his reign there were two Prime Ministers called William Pitt
Though they had different ages which helped a bit
Brad Pitt
American upper class twit
He'll never be Prime Minister
Maybe politics is not so sinister.
Angelina Jolie
Does a surprisingly accurate impersonation of Buddy Holly
Now she just needs to find her Ritchie Valens and Big Bopper
But she could try to do Fred Astair in a topper
Quentin Crisp
Despite many affectations went to great lengths to disguise his lisp
He made no bones about the fact that he was as camp as a row of tents
And enjoyed the company of other gents
Jackson Pollock
Dedicated his art to the service of Moloch
Although his technique was somewhat simple
(Instead of painting, he just squeezed a pimple)
Tilda Swinton
Strangely has a name that sounds like a mark of punctuation
She appeared naked in Orlando
But never did appear onscreen with Marlon Brando.
Robert the Bruce
With the English played fast and loose
Legend has it he learned a life lesson from a spider
Which an old lady swallowed, and it wriggled and wiggled and tickled inside her.
Gerardus Mercator (for it is he)
Not to be confused with Nicholas, the mathematician and music theorist, noted for his works on natural logs and "53 equal temperament", who lived roughly a century later,
Developed a famous map projection
But suffered because of the Catholic church's rejection
Sir George Everest
Never really knew when to give it a rest
A man of precision
Not an object of derision
Peter Gabriel
When trying to intone the word "grill" always, for some reason, managed to say "griel"
Founded Genesis and then left it to Phil Colins who hung in rather longer
Thereby earning a great deal more "wonga".
Eve
Felt quite the outsider once Adam met Steve
But God disapproved
Thus the Gay Rights campaign ensued.
Adam
Took a right ribbing from Eve, the little madam
Pretty soon, yielding to temptation, they got to breedin'
Followed by many months of breast-feedin'
Heinrich Rudolf Hertz
Had a pet iguana that was bigger than Prince Albert's
His descendants rented vans
And his name had some letters in common with that bloke who put beans in cans
William Morris
Provided calligraphy for an 1876 edition of The Odes of Horace
But best remembered for his contributions to the world of wallpaper and other interior designs and decorations
And sometimes his orations
Eleanor of Aquitaine
Of both France and England she became queen
Mother of Richard the Lionheart
Had a sister named Petronilla, but not (to my knowledge) a brother named Bart.
Michael Portillo
Has many a peccadillo
Having been pipped as Tory leader by IDS he resigned his seat
If not in control of the kitchen he couldn't take the heat.
Ezra Pound
During the Second World War was mostly renowned
Particularly for his fascist views
Which at the time was bad news.
King Leonidis of ancient Sparta
Though not generally recorded in history books, was a champion farter
His expulsions were legion
And but for a system of funnels which channeled them harmlessly underground, would have decimated the region.
Al Gore
Informed environmentalists that a rare sort of spore
Had infected the White House
And had replaced the President with a woodlouse
Ada Lovelace
Devised the first computer program with a smile on her face
In that respect she worked on the difference engine with Charles Babbage
Who had the countenance of an old cabbage.
Helen of Troy
Was mad about the boy
Her face may have launched a thousand ships
More likely to have been her snaky hips.
Caligula
Would diddle with his sister quite regula'
While Nero
Was nobody's hero.
Sir Alec Guinness
Had bones of a most extraordinary thinness
This caused problems while playing Obi Wan Kenobi
And which is why the lost the role of Genghis Khan to a horribly miscast John Wayne in "The Conqueror", to lead a horde of Mongols across the barren Gobi.
Geoffrey Chaucer
Liked to sip his tea not from a cup, but a saucer
He liked to write in English about ordinary folk
While eating omelets made without the yolk
Mr. T
"I pity the fool," says he
He's reformed and divested himself of heavy gold chains
But you still won't get him on aeroplanes.
Sean Bean
Could never be a drag queen
He played Boromir in Lord of the Rings
The only semi-convincing performance he's managed in a role that was just one of many, the others largely disappointing things.
Don Rumsfeld
Needs his bumps felt
After being called "incompetent strategically, operationally and tactically"
Politically he's dead, practically.
Nancy Pelosi
Has never met even a single solitary one of America's many Mafiosi
But Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin
Were claimed to be so close to Carlo Gambino as to frequently hear him fartin' (Sorry,....coat!)
Gary Gygax
Gets +1 to all his attacks
His Vorpal Sword
Gives him that reward
John Stonehouse
Had no nous
He failed to realise that just leaving a pile of clothes on a beach
Would not necessarily convince the Director of Public Prosecutions that he had succumbed to a watery grave and was consequently out reach.
Rolf Harris
Once painted Niles Crane's first wife Maris
Probably a more significant sitter for the bearded Oz was Queen Elizabeth the Second
Who was hoping she'd be depicted as a kangaroo more than Rolf reckoned
Steve Irwin
Often dangled raw meat in front of crocodiles whose dinner he was servin'
His boldness was his demise
Said Germain Greer who was ever so sad that she had no chance to say her goodbyes
Ricky Ponting
Whose captaincy in the last Ashes series was found wanting
Relied heavilly on Shane Warne
But for whose contribution Australian hopes would have been folorn.
Alan Rickman
Has never had a suntan
But could he be a lovey, having trod the boards at the RSC?
That may be true, but his best work is on film, if you ask me.
John Barrowman
Is not portly; nor is he a slender narrow man
Seems to have a predilection for science fiction
In which he has a glamorous depiction
Nouri Kamal Al-Maliki
Heads a government that's cliquey
When shove comes to push
He wants rid of Bush as expected, Raak?
Link, frequent rescuer of Princess Zelda,
Actually plotted her abductions, so he could have an excuse for jumping into the fray each time, and to have held her
nice
Like your local bobby
It's done as a hobby quickly moving on ...
Paul Merton (Softers) Exactly as I had hoped. :-)
Paul Merton Try again
Is often certain
But his guest
He sometimes views as a pest
Matt Lucas
Can find comedy in the darnedest things, like the North Korean leader's threats to nuke us
But on the other hand his partner-in-crime David Walliams
Is basically a persistent depressive and is hooked on the Valiums.
Spike Milligan
Was mad, and shot flowers with a lily gun
But his radio, poetry and books
Are all worth second looks
Armando Iannucci
Can afford Gucci
He's even had his own television and radio shows
but where the humour was, nobody knows
The Editor of the News of the World
Spent £95 having his hair curled
However, the present holder of this post
Still publishes far more bollocks than most That was hard
Dame Judi Dench (Softers) I cocked up on the 3rd line, thinking that the Ed. was the abysmal Rebekah Wade
A very British wench
Until she got stuck in the water closet
-- Now that wasn't a very nice thing to mention, was it?
Helen Mirren
His in Austrilian mite called Dirren [Softers] Another nice easy rhyme [all Australian Crescenters] apologies
And all the corks dangling from his hat
Showed he was a bit of a twat. Further apologies.
Shilpa Shetty
Found the behaviour of her fellow contestants rather petty
Particularly that of the rather ugly and overweight "celebrity" Jade Goody
But the boss of Channel 4 wouldn't condemn it, would 'e?
Richard Harris
Left his cake out in the rain, but him it did not seem to embarrass
When acting, he used to ham a lot
And when shooting the movie musical about the Arthurian legend he was known to shout "Damn!" a lot
Barack Obama - careful now
According to certain rumour-mongerers is a radical Muslim just like Osama
The Democratic party is divided about his suitability as the Presidential candidate
But most of the rest of the country is piqued by the possibility of a leader who actually can orate
D'ye ken John Reid?
Aye, indeed!
some say he has accepted the poisoned chalice
Others detect a degree of malice.
Lord Michael Levy
Founded the label Magnet Records which featured many recording artists, but never ever the Wonder man, Stevie
This avails him naught
'Cos the bugger's been caught
The accused, Anthony Charles Lynton Blair
Obviously does not give a care
That he sometimes appears to be George Walker Bush's eager lap dog
And at other times appears to be wandering in the fog.
King John That last one was a bit earnest, wasn't it?
Everything he did went wrong
Whereas the Abbott of Canterbury
Didn't even make it into Wiki, in fact I think irach made him up...
[IS,P]- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_Abbot_(Archbishop_of_Canterbury)
[irach] oops. sorry.
Lou Costello
Was not always a likeable fellow
Whereas Bud Archbish Abbott
Had many a bad habit
Bob Dylan
In 1988 recorded a Woody Guthrie ballad immortalising the life of crime of "Pretty Boy" Floyd, a Depression-era bank robber and villain
He played the guitar
And the harmonica(r)
Bonnie and Clyde
Died
While Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
also did.
Major Major Major Major
Fecked off with Yossarian's pager
While Nurse Duckett
Was the under-age inamorata alluded to by Gary Puckett
Dudley Moore
Phwooar!
Five foot two inches of pure man
And as such many starlets of him became a fan
Peter Cook
Was a founder and contributor to Private Eye and once even wrote a book
He also liked the occasional drink
Better than ink
Ian Hislop
Not much cop
Still, he is the editor of Private Eye
Which must never die.
Anna Nicole Smith
Will become an urban myth
Like many of her peers, she had a romance with silicone
And she remains newsworthy, even though she's dead and gone
Captain Sisko
Had allllll the right moves, and was always a big hit down the disco
What's more, ever since his wife died
He wakes up with stabbing pains down his right side
Sorry, there just don't seem to be enough Trekkies around, so trying to unblock the game
Sir Launcelot
Was famous for using his lance a lot
But Guinevere
In the company of Lancelot's lance was known to delightfully quiver
Richard Stilgoe
Used to have a stilted show
He played his piano while standing on tall stilts
At which one's will to live wilts.
Gordon Brown, texture like sun, lays me down with my mind he runs throughout the night no need to fight...
Perpetual frown (ISP) Can you get me some of the stuff you're on?
David Cameron
Does yammer on.
Gordon Brown, finer temptress, through the ages, he's heading west. From far away, stays for a day, never a frown, with Gordon Brown
Is the MP for what was my home town.
Whereas Robin Cook
Could easily be mistaken for a crook
Stephen Fry
Thinks he is wry
Alan Davies
Doesn't understand the ravies.
Hugh Laurie
Never had a starring role in Corrie
But playing Lord Peter Wimsey
Is, as a claim to having played a great rôle, rather flimsy.
[Softers] When was that, then? I'd like to see that.
William Shakespeare
Addressed many of his sonnets to a young man, the "Fair Youth" who Willy apparently homoerotically held as dear
Whereas Keats
Wrote letters that covered many sheets See for yourself, ISP: Jeeves and Wooster.
[Softers] I've got that DVD set (Excellent) but cannot see Lord Peter Wimsey anywhere. Are you confusing him with Bertie Wooster?
After all, one is a character in humorous P.G. Wodehouse novels, the other is a Dorothy L. Sayers detective so it's an easy mistake to make.
Hercule Poirot
Never knew when to say "no"
Whereas his sidekick Captain Arthur Hastings
Spends more time at wine tastings ISP - Ahhh!...
[ISP] Somewhere on the web there's a crossover story involving Bertie Wooster the amateur cracksman and Lord Peter Wimsey.
[Raak] Any clues? All I can find is Raffles the amateur cracksman.
Georges Seurat
[ISP] Here it is.

Un broad brush n'utilisait pas

Il a préféré des dots.
Bum. Let's tidy this up...

Projoy - Georges Seurat
Raak - Un broad brush n'utilisait pas
Darren - Il a préféré des points

Quant à ses admiratrices, they went "Mwa".
Matisse
Egalement, il était impressionniste
comme Mike Yarwood
Whose soul, like Matisse's, has now gone starward
Geoffrey Chaucer
Few were coarser
But his characters were true to life
Though it's unclear whether any were based on his wife
Garibaldi
Famous for both biscuits and perhaps less importantly, the reunification of Italy
Was abducted by Shadows
Then Hank Marvin presented him to the Pope as one of many cadeaux[Raak] Do you have to go out of your way to find words with no rhymes, or is it a gift?
Margaret Beckett
Is known to yell "Feck it!"
While Donald Duck
Says something altogether different
Mickey Mouse
Has much nous
Goofy, however presented as a candidate for feedline of the month
Was very far from clever [ISP] thanks
The new Justice Ministry (departing, for a moment, from human subjects)
Is a little bit sinistery and from words with rhymes. I dunno, man of your calibre.
But the Home Office, however
Is a fundamentally oppressive endeavour
America's "Department of Homeland Defense"
Must cost a few cents
While the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms
Relies on congressional alms
Morgan Tsvangirai
Has one hell of a black eye
Even for an African, if the frivolity may be pardoned
Though after so many years of Mugabe, his physique may have hardened
Robert 'Honest Bob' Mugabe
I always at The Derby
Pisspots! For "I" read "Is".
With Zimbabwe's rate of inflation, he looses less with every race
But don't tell him that to his face.
Ronnie Corbett
Should be sent into orbit
- Just my little joke
Well, he is a little bloke
Judas Iscariot
Had such a burden of guilt that he could barely carry it
Borges wrote a story in which Judas was the Saviour
How else to explain such odd behaviour?
(Apols for taking two lines, but they came to me fully formed.)
The great prophet, peace be upon him
Surrounded in the heavens, by cherubim and seraphim
Must be pissed off at what those fundamentalists are up to
And, consoling himself in drink, found that one was insufficient, so supped two.
John Cleese
Has remarkable knees
Whereas those of Terry Jones
are knobbly old bones
Eric Idle
Studied at Heidel-
berg
He preferred that town to Stuttgart
Which he thought down at heel, or other foot part. . . . . . contrived
Posh Spice
Has lice
With a pair of shears
She'll cut off David's ears or perhaps other bits
Madonna
An adoptive momma
Is such a material girl
And wishes she'd married an imperial earl.
Harry Belafonte - This is getting to be a habit
Is the hero of US Ambassador to Iraq John Negroponte
Maybe because he wants to be in America or because he has an Island in the Sun
Or perhaps because he wants to record a song that gets to number one
Michael Vaughan - to save nfras the job
Probably wishes he had not been born
W.G. Grace [Vaughan] I prefer to pronounce it Faugh ghan, as in 'conclusion'.
Would have called him a disgrace. Nice easy one, ISP. :-)
Jenny Agutter
Few would toss the term "slag" at 'er
But you can't help but notice
To be alone with her would surpass the joys of the lotus.
Biggie Smalls
gets shot, falls
He had taken a rap
Now he takes an eternal nap
Andrew Lloyd-Webber
Wrote the musical "Jesus Christ Superstar" in which a scene depicts the protagonist healing a leper
Sarah Brightman
Is his ex-wife which perhaps is enlightenin'
Barry Cryer
Was responsible for casting the most recent TV version of 'Robin Hood', the one that omitted the Friar
Whereas Graeme Garden
Would have got the job had he not started visibly to harden
Boris Yeltsin [Darren] Yech.
Under whom most Russians had to pull their belts in
He also liked to drink and dance and slap ladies on the bottom
Whereas in the same situation Joseph Vissiarionovich Stalin would've just shot 'em
Richard Gere
Is rumoured to be queer
If so, in the entertainment industry he would not be alone (Softers) Probably apocryphal, but Michael Caine was asked if he thought Gere were gay. He replied, "Dunno, could be. Let's say 'e'd 'elp out if vey was short-'anded".
I've heard stories about Sharon Stone...
Richard Gere? A recipient of swollen goods? How very dare you!
Julia Roberts
Ahem!
Julia Roberts
Is harder to rhyme than Helen sodding Mirren
Be that as it may, she has toothache and 'er gob 'urts.
Like many movie stars she has put it about a bit
You won't read about this in her official leave-the-dirty-bits-out obit.
Prince 'Arry
Must some day marry
Perhaps he'll marry another man
's wife like his dad did - because he can...
The Reds' Daniel Agger
Can walk with a swagger. Expect Rosie to be less than full of praise...
As Rafa approaches the final with glasses tinted rosé
Let his team get slaughtered and be full of woes - eh? Nice try, Phil :-)
Old Mother Goose
Had a number of flings with a number of ganders and was therefore considered in avian circles to be quite loose
Old Father Gander
Was also known to philander
Phil
Likes to think of himself as a curmudgeon who, while not old, could be said to be in view of the top of the hill
Whereas I
Don't even have to try ;-)
Domenico Scarlatti (Pj) I can still just about see the hill, I'll have you know, young man. ;-)
Was famously catty:
In Rome, he was judged to be a better harpsichordist than Handel
[Rosie] That's me, waving curmudgeonly, from the top of the hill
To whom Haydn couldn't hold a candle.
Brian Sewell (Phil) Curmudgeonly is an adjective. You were waving curmudgeonlyly. It was obvious. :-)
Is not very cooel
But he doesn't care [Rosie] Curmudgeonously perhaps? Curmudgeonlyly is just silly :P
As long as he can pontificate about art made of pubic hair [Rosie/Tuj] It'd be curmudgeonlily anyway.
Niccolo Paganini
Didn't write itsy-bitsy-teeny-weeny-yellow-polka-dot-bikini
He did, perhaps, have double-jointed fingers [Rosie et al] curmudgeonly is also listed by the OED as an adverb with the qualification that it is rare. Perhaps curmudgeonrily might be a better adverb, as it's based on the act of being a curmudgeon.
More use to him than to singers. Invoking The North.
Jacques Chirac
He won't be back
But Nicolas Sarkozy
Finds the presidential throne cozy.
Ségolène Royal
Was brought up in the Transvaal
Not, as some believe, in the Witwatersrand
Which is where Jacques Chirac was born, on the other hand.
Damon Hill
When he parted company with Williams, the feeling was ill
Now he's older, he's feeling better
But tends to try and keep it a secret that he is still a bed-wetter
Damon Runyan
(or Runyon)
Often went to a corner stand in Times Square, Manhattan to buy a hot dog topped with mustard, relish and onion
But Mickey Spillane
Found if he did that, he'd quickly see that hot dog again.
Doctor Beeching
Close the branch-lines was his teaching
Unfortunately, this reduced the traffic on main lines too
Oh, poo.
Peter Hain
Just can't explain
That probably says it all
Which causes this clerihew to stall
MP for Barking, Margaret Hodge
Spends here evenings in a sweat lodge
Wheras the late Enoch Powell
Would stand naked in the moonlight and howl
Germaine Greer
is near
Enough a feminist to make no difference
And that statement would make her take offence
George Bush's brother Jeb
smokes Red Leb
But nobody really cares
About his heady airs.
Former First Lady, Hillary Clinton
If elected President, promises to outlaw Badminton
Her attitude to tennis
Is nothing short of menace ... using one of the FEW remaining rhymes...swiftly moving on.....
Humph
Takes one lumph
While Samantha, Colin and Sven
Eaach take ten
The late Princess Di
She and Prince Charles didn't always see eye-to-eye
But she played the doey eyed wounded princess role very well
Until she became an adulteress and went to hell (possibly)
Satan
Can be utterly infuriatin'
He can be as nasty as hell
As well.
Saint Peter
Could be neater
While Saint Paul
Wrote to all
Lord Coe
Lately unveiled a logo that was no go.
It looks like Lisa Simpson giving head
It'll probably kill the London Olympics stone dead.
Nebuchadnezzar, King of the Jews
Tossed Shadrach, Meshach and Abednago into the furnace and lit the fuse
Though technically he was really king of Babylon
And a drug addict, and in rehab belong. (Softers) Don't make it easy, do you, you bastard. -:)
Jeff Stryker
Are we referring to the one who is a porn star or the one who is a writer?
Whenever he has writer's block (candidating for feedline of the month)
He can at least be thankful that he doesn't have to resort to improving the contour of his trousers with the aid of a sock.
Lewis Hamilton
Is looking sick, ill, wan [Kim] At least it wasn't Helen Mirren.
Still, he is pretty quick
Goes at quite a lick.
Lady Hamilton, Horatio's lover
Has never been pictured on a heavy metal album cover
Horatio's lover, Lady Hamilton
Lived with him on Menorca near Mahon
Johnny Briggs
Collects outrageous wigs
His brother wrote The Snowman
While Johnny appeared in Man About the House as a Milkman
Johnny Depp
Sexy? Yep.
Vanessa Paradis
Sexy? Oui.
George Melly
Was far too rarely on the telly
Unlike Roger Mellie
Who also had a slightly smaller belly
J K Rowling
All the way to the bank she is surely laughing
Her boy-wizard character, Harry Potter
Does not die after all, but goes off to be a train-spotter
... So "Rowling" rhymes with "laughing". You learn something new every day. [UK] You'll be in trouble if that's the real ending.
Rin Tin Tin
Drinks gin
While Lassie [IS,P] Bovvered? Does this face look bovvered?
Had more the ascetic habits of the late Haile Selassie.
Johannes Brahms
His lullaby is reknowned because it is so soothing, and it calms
While Franz Liszt
Is the ideal music to listen to while being kissed
Fernando Alonso
His passion other than racing is watching a video of Ronald Reagan's movie classic "Bedtime for Bonzo"
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