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Cleri Who's Who
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Four lines rhyming AABB - scansion, rhythm, metre and all that malarkey is as random as-u-like. Oh yes - the featured subject, usually a person, is mentioned in the first line.
Here's a full and frank(ly better) intro by Thos along with some that were made earlier.
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Which shone through in an accent he made no attempt to suppress
Kate Moss ...topical or what?
Who gives a toss?
What supermodels snort
I care naught
.
Hugo Weaving
Acts in films unlike those from Ealing
His films these days tend to have lots of effects
But not enough sex.
Juan Pablo Montoya
A veggie, into soya
Gabriel Garcia Marquez
His combined realism and fantasy batters your head
Madonna
Or, more boldly,
Madonna
Her husband's new film, Revolver seems to be a gonner
While she dabbles in Kaballah
An activity that will do little to improve her pallor.
The Sultan of Brunei
Knows of only two things he cannot buy:
My undying love,
And Allah, above.
Ashton Kutcher
Halal butcher Could be. Day job.
As far as I am concerned it doesn't matter
How the meat gets from the field onto my platter
Muhammad Ali
Was better than even Mr. T in Rocky III
However, the latter had the upper hand
Over Henry Cooper in this land.
Long Ben, The Pirate
Had a musket but couldn't fire it
d'Artagnan, on the other hand
Seemed to use his sword, just like the rest of the band.
Ken Clarke
Would make an excellent Bellman if they ever filmed 'The hunting of the snark'
Whereas Michael Howard
His career is soured. Rule 1 - All Welsh Tories shall have names beginning with H. (Howe, Heseltine, Howard). Rule 2 - None shall have a Welsh accent, ever.
David Davies Based on Rosie's analysis, obviously unelectable
Has been distracted from the leadership battle by his love of gravies
His attention to diet (Softers) I think he's a Davis, and not Welsh AFAIK.
Was cleverly instilled subliminally by his opposition to keep him quiet. Bizarre conspiracies #11603
The late, great Ronnie Barker Re - Tories. The disturbing thought has occurred to me that I am of 100% Welsh descent, have a surname beginning with 'H' and do not have a Welsh accent. Dear Agony Aunt, am I a Tory?
For television commedians, the marker
Four candles we'll light to remember
And keep lit 'til just before it turns November. fitting tribute, even by accident
The sightless David Blunkett
Who has been known to take the odd junket
Has a rather uneven beard
And a staggering degree of arrogance and cupidity that in anybody, let alone one who professes to be a so-called 'socialist', is quite frankly wierd. But I'm sure he's a nice guy, really ... It's not his fault alone that his meagre political achievements are writ in sand, and the tide is nearly in already.
Queen Boudicca Pronounce it as you will . . .
Proud leader of the Iceni who despite worshipping pagan gods were not wicca
Had a bit of a thing against the Roman invaders
And was born before the invention of rubber waders.
Morgan Freeman *nodded assent to Darren*
Is noted for for having fluorescent green socks which are frequently coated in monkey semen
And while that may seem just a little bizarre
That's the way left-handed people are. I should know.
Karl Rove
Is slithy as a tove
While Dick Cheney
Aint so brainy
Guy Fawkes
Only cost one penny and had a football for a head, and presumably his voice sounded a bit like Tony Hawks
He was known for his dire works
In November 1605, beneath the Houses of Parliament he plots and lurks
Mrs Beeton
Her tomes on household manaqement are well known and her recipes are often eaten
Except for the braised lamb shank
Which needs marinading for so long that it always ends up tasting rank
Jacques Chirac
Regularly examines the Paris Cac
Currently, he has a burning question
Which is giving him acute indigestion.
Pikachu
Was a nasty little computer virus
Like
(If you ignore the computer virus bit) David Icke
Faux fur
Oft worn by famous personalities such as Cher
Who also has a new arse Wonder who he is. (nfras) First line is supposed to be a person.
After a faux pas by nfras
James Bond
Is wont to throw villains into the nearest shark pond
Whereas Pussy Galore
Tried to show him the door.
Isaac Bashevis Singer
For Gollum was something of a dead ringer (according to this photo)
However
He'd never been to Micheldever.
Marcus Trescothick
Always travels with a lucky red brick
Presumably to assist his stonewall batting
Like, say, Mike Gatting.
Paul McDermott
Seems to get about a lot
While Paul Simon
Prefers rhymin'.
Antonio Stradivari
Probably didn't speak Polari
But Bartolomeo Guarneri
Sounded just like Julian Clary. String 'em up, I say
Robert Schumann
A genius, with failings all too human
Some of his works were destroyed by Brahms
A fact about which some people are up in arms.
Rudyard Kipling
Had muscles so rippling
That If he wrote
He'd rock the boat.
knew
She
Would dump you if she caught you kissing her best friend in Argos full on the lips, so don't even think of blaming me.
Sir Philip Sydney
Was shot at Zutphen (though not in the kidney)
"An Apology for Poetry," perhaps like this, was something he wrote
Whilst observing his favourite beast, the mountain goat. ".. ye goat-herd Gods that love the grassy mountains .." *sigh* they don't write them like that any more ..
Percy Bysshe Shelley
A died in the wool conservative? No, not on your nelly!
Atheist, freethinker and rebel
If the Library won't help then perhaps the Web'll.
[softers] dyed, dyed, dyed. One hundred times please :o)
Sorry, miss. Will you spank me? dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed. :-)
Lady Di ...pronounced "dye"
[softers] No. Don't ask again.
Didst die ...pronounced "dai"
In a Paris car crash ..pronounced "ker-ash"
Some might say that was a bit rash.
Galileo Galilei
Made a telescope with which to spy
While Nicolaus Copernicus
Caused a fuss.
The Artist Formerly Known as Prince
Has been silent since
He was asked to pronounce his new name
Since when he's never been quite the same
Dolly the sheep
Was rather surprisingly found to be philosophically deep
However, her sibling, also called Dolly
Said very little except for, "Oh golly!"
Little Bo Peep
May have inadvertantly started an urban legend by falling asleep
Of greater consequence is her ovine misplacement
Nevertheless, an otherwise disasterous situation was fortunately averted by the sheep's intrinsic capacity to reorient.
Tommy Steele
Nostalgic appeal (Softers) 'Ere, that don't rhyme.
[Rosie] I saw him in "Scrooge" at the Palladium last night, incidentally.
Not dead yet
His maker he's not met.
Terry Dean Whilst in nostalgia mode. [Rosie] mmm, it was a bit tricky, it does end in '-ent' :-)
When Googled gives 153,000 options to glean
My money's on the New Zealand rocker
I doubt he remembers Jarvis Cocker
Kingsley Amis
Yes - that's what his name is -
Has a brother
With whom he shares a mother
John Le Carré
used to go dancing at the Hammersmith Palais
Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Choreographer
Now that the Cold War is over, his next book is rumoured to be about a geographer.
Rupert Sheldrake
Has resonantly morphed into a corncrake
Our collective memory won't let us forget him
And his belief that animals communicate through telepathy was memorably tested in The colour of magic when Rincewind and Twoflower impersonated chelonauts and were launched (closely followed by The Luggage) over the Disc's Rim
Christian author C.S.Lewis
Intended his work to be sung to music by Peter Brewis
However, his writings in moralistic parables using imaginary creatures from fantasy worlds
Endeared him, particularly in the North-East, to children sitting at home suffering from curlds. (y'knaa)
Roald Dahl
Wrote books with characters that would often snarl
Whereas Enid Blyton
Had famously five and secretly seven to write on.
George Orwell
Seemed to foretell
Reality telly
And farms being taken over by George Melly
Colin Sell
Contrary to popular belief, can play the piano rather well
While Liberace (cf)
To my untrained ear, sounds rather starchy
Saint Nicholas
Is traditionally greeted by a cry of, "Please tickle us!"
Whereas Saint Christopher
In his sheepskin, is "Mr Fur".
Good King Wenceslas
Felt cold, so he sent for 'is lass
She, as the Queen of Bohemia
,Made things somewhat steamier
George Frederick Handel
Wrote mostly by the light of a candle
But Benjamin Britten
Was with gaslight smitten
Edgar Allen Poe
Was only 40 when he had to go
Fifteen years older than his late wife Virginia
Who was 25, but you knew that didn'ya?
Harriet Beecher Stowe (continuing trinomiality)
Never hunted polar bears on an ice floe
Although the subtext of Uncle Tom's Cabin
Absolutely fascinated Premier Yitzhak Rabin.
Margaret Bleeding Thatcher . . . . and happy to continue yet further . . .
Ran so fast no one could catch her
While her embarassing non-identical twins
Raided Oddbins
Richard Milhous Nixon
Was married to an alcoholic vixen
Whereas James Earl Carter (irach) The founder of Fucks Fox News?
Married his next door neighbour, who certainly was less of a lush but not much smarter.
Dwight David Eisenhower
Wielded supreme executive power
So, alas, did Joseph Vissarionovich Djugashvili
Who ruled with a firm iron fist, albeit willy-nilly.
George MacDonald Fraser
Rarely went out without his Household Cavalry blazer
Quite unlike Norman Stanley Fletcher, old lag
Who never went out at all while he was banged up for a blag.
Thomas Stearns Eliot
A Yank, and Nobel Prize Laureate
Was,like William Butler Yeats,
A poet frequently called upon to open fêtes
William Topaz McGonagall
Wrote much deathless verse, such as his lament on the Tay Bridge disaster, which will never pall
whereas e e cummings
had all his teeth. removed without. Numbings.
Percy Bysshe Shelley
Had he been born a couple of centuries later, would probably have ended his days as a minor celebrity who showed up in second-rate quiz shows on the telly.
As it was, he died in 1822
Which made Mary blue
Julius Henry Marx
Amused us with his larks
While George Bernard Shaw
Was rather more of a bore.
Jeremy John Durham Ashdown
Often pictured with a frown
Not becoming Prime Minister must have been a bit annoying
But he made up for the disappointment with his quasi-military envoying.
Simon Phillip Hugh Francis Neil Callow
Has achieved the unlikely feat of making reality TV even more shallow
In bold, obviously
Openly gay and acts the part
Wherever do his talents start?
Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde
Comitted buggery and was then reviled
He started his days within the Pale
But was later found guilty in a court of law, convicted, and sent to jail.
Harry S. Truman
Was human, all too human
He insisted the S was a name and shouldn't have a period after it, but wrote the period in his own signature himself
Perhaps this was a conscious attempt at irony, but he also ran the camp canteen at Ft. Still and it's entirely possible he just snitched one too many bottles off the shelf.
Jaramogi Oginga Odinga
Was the Octogenerian of Kenyan politics.
For African democracy, he was a key thinker ABAB then?
Although his sense of rhyme often went for six.
Edmund Clerihew Bentley why not?
Never treated scansion particularly gently
Rhyme and coherence, though, were the sine qua non
'Tis a pity we sometimes get it wrong. ;-)
Patrick Edmund Pery, the Earl of Limerick
Was considered by The Sun a big Tory stick
While Edward (middle name unknown) Lear, the original Limerick King
Was a much less political thing
Masaoka Shiki
May have been chosen for this clerihew because to the average Westerner, unversed in Japanese pronunciation, rhyming his surname doesn't seem too tricky
Unlike, say, the common Japanese name Kinoshita
Which apparently rhymes with Peter
U Thant
Has done something that many men can't
But apparently he only had one name
His other, Pantanaw, having been discarded when he achieved, as General Secretary of the United Nations, diplomatic fame
rab Is that allowable as the start of a clerihew?
Why not him at the start of clerhew; we'll take a stab
Of course, we can't promise anything stellar
But he is a remarkable feller.
Tuj Yes, it's allowable
Of whom we are all the judge
Now stands on trial
For casting a shadow, thereby blocking the public's ability to make use of the park sun-dial.
penelope curses, caught again
Likes to see how things developpy
Whereas flerdle
Prefers to let things curdle oblig, Nowt personal :o)
Chalky rolling on
Lost her doorkey
While she normally keeps it in a jar made of china,
The frail vessel cracked, and now the thing might be anywhere from Cannes to Carolina
Darren NO-ONE is safe
Once hiked the Kalahari, which as everyone knows, is very barren
Fortunately, the local tribesmen explained how water may be found
Underground
Rosie (in that case)
Has a cherished prize posession- a tatted Victorian tea cosy
He wears it on his head
While checking the weather from his shed.
Software
Dare
Says I Say, Potter!
Well, at least he oughtta. Dubious pronunciation to fit whether or not that was a typo
Bill Gates (Chalky) How did you know that?
Mates
But Steve Jobs' not the apple of his eye
You won't find Bill gently stroking Steve's thigh
The inscrutable irach - [Rosie] Just a hunch
Is undoubtedly aware of Nobel Prize-winning physicist Paul Dirac (Chalky) Actually I haven't got a hat of any kind. :-)
But the one he really feels for
Is the misshapen form of Patrick Moore.
Niels Bohr
Was rotten to the core
A singular view, it must be said
Since his study on the way electrons orbit around the atomic core to a Nobel Prize led!
Michael Faraday
Made it a point to frequent at least one bar a day
His consumption of the odd pork scratching
Kept his ideas of electromagnetism hatching.
Dorothy Leigh Sayers
Baked a cake of many layers
One for each circle of hell, in fact, which meant that it was kind of flimsy [irach] You should have shown up an hour sooner :-)
Her pastry concoctions being known for their allegoric connotations, and not for their whimsy
Dara O'Briain
Dreams of being Brendan Behan
Excepting, perhaps, the manner of his death
And alcohol tainted breath
Linus Pauling
Whose intake of vitamin C was quite appalling
Though he lived to be a great old age
Nuclear tests filled him full of rage
Romulus, brother of Remus
Said to Scotty, "To Rome will you beam us"
Or at least, that's what Babelfish translated it to from the original Latin
Which means it's about as likely that Mars' sons wanted to go to Manhattan actually, I wish babel DID do latin translations...
New York City
Big, loud, glitzy, fast, exciting but probably not pretty
Whereas San Francisco
Has only one disco.
Pablo Neruda
Used to rewrite Gabriel Garcia Marquez' limericks in order to make them cruder
Whereas Thomas Bowdler, hardly a writer
Removed the less moral parts of the human body in order to make it lighter
Greyfriars Bobby
Had to find an appropriate place in the graveyard to do a little jobby
But Jennings
Searched for pfennings.
Managing Director of the IMF, Rodrigo de Rato y Figaredo
Whirls in and out of the office like a tornado
While Director-General of the WHO, Dr. Lee Jong-Wook
Just pops in now and then to borrow a book
William Morris
Was very fond of young Doris
However she
Was far too young for some pervy old 19th Century designer who was just too old for she.
I appreciate that was rubbish, but I had to get it out of my system.
Thelonious Sphere Monk
Botherer] ...as the author of The IT crowd should have said.
Not for him the crudities of Punk
His thunk was melodious
And he considered Punk Rock as wretched as Hell...odious
The good Saint Valentine
Had a hearty penchant for sipping too much red wine
So now we commemorate
Him by getting drunk while out on a date
Sir David Frost Bile, please
Has always been determined to get himself on TV whatever the cost
He'll shortly be broadcasting from Qatar
What a way he has to earn his bread and butter!
Richard Dimbleby
No symbol he.
His style was very proper
'Though not a show stopper
General de Gaulle
To the UK's entry into the EU said "non" and that was not all
He took out a big hanky and blew his nose
This act spoke more eloquently of his feelings than any bombastic prose
Nicolas Copernicus
Flatly refused to subscribe to the astronomical model proposed by the Catholic church and thus published De revolutionibus
Thus, and with no pun intended, he precipitated a revolution
Which was to presage a similar one which erupted a few centuries later when Darwin proposed his theory of evolution!
Goya
Painted the Dutchess of Alba nude, but (thankfully) never got to similarly paint Jackson, i.e., LaToya
Instead, he painted himself
Which, in the opinion of the Kray twins, "wa'n't no good for 'is 'elf"
Van Gogh Pronunciation - please yourselves. ©Frankie Howerd.
Whenever asked to pronounce his own last name would fake a loud cough
While not entirely anatomically intact at the end of his tragic life, his brush strokes were bold and fearless
Painting sunflowers? Peerless!
Georges Seurat
His last Hurrah
Got to the point with impressionism
Which interested him more than hedonism.
Moammar Khadaffi
Makes excellent salt-water taffy
Whereas his counterpart in Tunisia
Has no time for such things, being much busier
Alan Ball
No genius but gave his all
Do we mean the screenwriter or football player?
Neither, our local carpet layer
Stephen King
Wrote that thing
Full of horror
Where Carrie started fires and the evil gor 'er.
Julius Caesar
Was a bit of a geezer
Whilst Brutus
Threatened to shoot us
Nefertiti
Was a bit of a sweety
But what she thought of King Tut
Would have to be editorially cut
Karl Friedrich Gauss
Wrote most of his mathematical formulae on cocktail napkins at his local Bierhaus
However, it is not known if he had a magnetic personality
But he certainly had German nationality.
Jerry Lee Lewis
Never met Peter Brewis
While Dean(and Steve)Martin
Were found dead with a carton.
Brian Perkins
Amassed a vast collection of blond and brunette merkins
While on the other hand, the lovely Charlotte Brown
Would not, despite her alleged horniness, on someone who thus misnamed her, go down.
Peter André
Does his landré
In a place so very large
It resembles a theatre stage rather than un cage
Jaap de Hoop Scheffer
Being Dutch, loves the Fresian heffer
The heifer is not amused
Although, admittedly, somewhat confused
Pete Tong
Has not been around that long
Not everyone's name has passed into Cockney rhyming slang
Not even The Emperor Wang.
Pele
Was never involved in a goalmouth mêlée
Unlike Bobby Tambling
Who, as a Jehovah's Witness, preached in the goalmouth and was oft accused of rambling
Lord Reith (Softers) Yeah, nobody's perfect, but 200 goals will do me nicely.
The first director of the BBC who ruled it like a feudal chief [Rosie] Yes, despite what some people think, football is not a religion.
Determined to inform, educate and entertain
The way it is now would have driven him insane.
Ronan O'Rahilly
Always signs his e-mails with a smiley
Quite unlike Ronan Tynan
Who sends emails without signin'.
Yanni
Probably does not speak Azerbaijani
Which may have helped his defence when accused of domestic battery by his his girlfriend, Silvia Barthes
He wouldn't have done anything to harm his hands, his lawyer says
W. G. Grace
Had a hairy face
But what was really weird
Is that he wore a false beard
Ernest Hemingway
Never wrote a play
Except in Key West
A place most detest.
Steve Punt
****!
Hails from Hackney Wick
D***
Armando Iannucci
A Glaswegian Italian, though never wears Gucci
When he is reminded of the Friday Night Armistice
Dithers around like a Useless Eustace
Dylan Moran
Was wonderful in Black books, but opinion is divided about his lead in the forthcoming Ken Loach production of Desperate Dan
Despite his fame, the English-speaking world is divided on which syllable of his surname should be stressed;
Which leaves me, for one, impressed
Rasputin
Is surrounded by many myths which I'm glad to be refutin'
Among which is his stated power over the late Tsarina
Which gave him unbridled access to her vagina. Latin pronuciation invoked.
Graham Dott
Not a ball he can't pot
But is he anything of a looker?
Not important if he can play snooker Invoking Lancashire accent
Snoop Doggy Dog
Keeps the pro-censorship lobby agog
Whereas Pam Ayres
Writes poems about which nobody really cares Nice lady, really
Charles Clarke
Enjoys releasing prisoners for a lark
Which, I suppose is fine...
If they commit no further crime
Sergio Leone
Has been unfairly characterised as a one-trick pony
In fact he had no tricks at all
Like Paul Daniels, who's small.
Jeff Daniels
Buys a lot of electrical goods but never reads the manuals
Whereas George Clooney
Is as likely to play in the World Cup as Wayne Rooney
Isaac Asimov
Though that most science fiction critics just tried to pass 'im off
In fact, they loved him (at least posthumously)
And now he is hailed almost unanoomously. mercy killing
Arthur C Clarke
Doubted the very existence of a quark
He believed the true nature of subatomic particles would be forever unexplained
(At least until God had been named)
John Wyndham
Was distraught when he wrote stories and others binned 'em
The Midwich Cuckoo did not suffer this fate
Nor did The Day of the Triffids, which was great.
James Tiptree, Junior
Wrote her books with a pen made from a petunia
Thus did her career flower
Although her act of killing her husband, and then shooting herself made some of her loyal readers really cower.
Barry Cryer
Could have joined the Church and become a Friar
In a school pantomime he once played the comical Friar Tuck
His bad luck.
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