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Cleri Who's Who
help
Four lines rhyming AABB - scansion, rhythm, metre and all that malarkey is as random as-u-like. Oh yes - the featured subject, usually a person, is mentioned in the first line.
Here's a full and frank(ly better) intro by Thos along with some that were made earlier.
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Which shone through in an accent he made no attempt to suppress
Kate Moss ...topical or what?
Who gives a toss?
What supermodels snort
I care naught
.
Hugo Weaving
Acts in films unlike those from Ealing
His films these days tend to have lots of effects
But not enough sex.
Juan Pablo Montoya
A veggie, into soya
Gabriel Garcia Marquez
His combined realism and fantasy batters your head
Madonna
Or, more boldly,
Madonna
Her husband's new film, Revolver seems to be a gonner
While she dabbles in Kaballah
An activity that will do little to improve her pallor.
The Sultan of Brunei
Knows of only two things he cannot buy:
My undying love,
And Allah, above.
Ashton Kutcher
Halal butcher Could be. Day job.
As far as I am concerned it doesn't matter
How the meat gets from the field onto my platter
Muhammad Ali
Was better than even Mr. T in Rocky III
However, the latter had the upper hand
Over Henry Cooper in this land.
Long Ben, The Pirate
Had a musket but couldn't fire it
d'Artagnan, on the other hand
Seemed to use his sword, just like the rest of the band.
Ken Clarke
Would make an excellent Bellman if they ever filmed 'The hunting of the snark'
Whereas Michael Howard
His career is soured. Rule 1 - All Welsh Tories shall have names beginning with H. (Howe, Heseltine, Howard). Rule 2 - None shall have a Welsh accent, ever.
David Davies Based on Rosie's analysis, obviously unelectable
Has been distracted from the leadership battle by his love of gravies
His attention to diet (Softers) I think he's a Davis, and not Welsh AFAIK.
Was cleverly instilled subliminally by his opposition to keep him quiet. Bizarre conspiracies #11603
The late, great Ronnie Barker Re - Tories. The disturbing thought has occurred to me that I am of 100% Welsh descent, have a surname beginning with 'H' and do not have a Welsh accent. Dear Agony Aunt, am I a Tory?
For television commedians, the marker
Four candles we'll light to remember
And keep lit 'til just before it turns November. fitting tribute, even by accident
The sightless David Blunkett
Who has been known to take the odd junket
Has a rather uneven beard
And a staggering degree of arrogance and cupidity that in anybody, let alone one who professes to be a so-called 'socialist', is quite frankly wierd. But I'm sure he's a nice guy, really ... It's not his fault alone that his meagre political achievements are writ in sand, and the tide is nearly in already.
Queen Boudicca Pronounce it as you will . . .
Proud leader of the Iceni who despite worshipping pagan gods were not wicca
Had a bit of a thing against the Roman invaders
And was born before the invention of rubber waders.
Morgan Freeman *nodded assent to Darren*
Is noted for for having fluorescent green socks which are frequently coated in monkey semen
And while that may seem just a little bizarre
That's the way left-handed people are. I should know.
Karl Rove
Is slithy as a tove
While Dick Cheney
Aint so brainy
Guy Fawkes
Only cost one penny and had a football for a head, and presumably his voice sounded a bit like Tony Hawks
He was known for his dire works
In November 1605, beneath the Houses of Parliament he plots and lurks
Mrs Beeton
Her tomes on household manaqement are well known and her recipes are often eaten
Except for the braised lamb shank
Which needs marinading for so long that it always ends up tasting rank
Jacques Chirac
Regularly examines the Paris Cac
Currently, he has a burning question
Which is giving him acute indigestion.
Pikachu
Was a nasty little computer virus
Like
(If you ignore the computer virus bit) David Icke
Faux fur
Oft worn by famous personalities such as Cher
Who also has a new arse Wonder who he is. (nfras) First line is supposed to be a person.
After a faux pas by nfras
James Bond
Is wont to throw villains into the nearest shark pond
Whereas Pussy Galore
Tried to show him the door.
Isaac Bashevis Singer
For Gollum was something of a dead ringer (according to this photo)
However
He'd never been to Micheldever.
Marcus Trescothick
Always travels with a lucky red brick
Presumably to assist his stonewall batting
Like, say, Mike Gatting.
Paul McDermott
Seems to get about a lot
While Paul Simon
Prefers rhymin'.
Antonio Stradivari
Probably didn't speak Polari
But Bartolomeo Guarneri
Sounded just like Julian Clary. String 'em up, I say
Robert Schumann
A genius, with failings all too human
Some of his works were destroyed by Brahms
A fact about which some people are up in arms.
Rudyard Kipling
Had muscles so rippling
That If he wrote
He'd rock the boat.
knew
She
Would dump you if she caught you kissing her best friend in Argos full on the lips, so don't even think of blaming me.
Sir Philip Sydney
Was shot at Zutphen (though not in the kidney)
"An Apology for Poetry," perhaps like this, was something he wrote
Whilst observing his favourite beast, the mountain goat. ".. ye goat-herd Gods that love the grassy mountains .." *sigh* they don't write them like that any more ..
Percy Bysshe Shelley
A died in the wool conservative? No, not on your nelly!
Atheist, freethinker and rebel
If the Library won't help then perhaps the Web'll.
[softers] dyed, dyed, dyed. One hundred times please :o)
Sorry, miss. Will you spank me? dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed, dyed. :-)
Lady Di ...pronounced "dye"
[softers] No. Don't ask again.
Didst die ...pronounced "dai"
In a Paris car crash ..pronounced "ker-ash"
Some might say that was a bit rash.
Galileo Galilei
Made a telescope with which to spy
While Nicolaus Copernicus
Caused a fuss.
The Artist Formerly Known as Prince
Has been silent since
He was asked to pronounce his new name
Since when he's never been quite the same
Dolly the sheep
Was rather surprisingly found to be philosophically deep
However, her sibling, also called Dolly
Said very little except for, "Oh golly!"
Little Bo Peep
May have inadvertantly started an urban legend by falling asleep
Of greater consequence is her ovine misplacement
Nevertheless, an otherwise disasterous situation was fortunately averted by the sheep's intrinsic capacity to reorient.
Tommy Steele
Nostalgic appeal (Softers) 'Ere, that don't rhyme.
[Rosie] I saw him in "Scrooge" at the Palladium last night, incidentally.
Not dead yet
His maker he's not met.
Terry Dean Whilst in nostalgia mode. [Rosie] mmm, it was a bit tricky, it does end in '-ent' :-)
When Googled gives 153,000 options to glean
My money's on the New Zealand rocker
I doubt he remembers Jarvis Cocker
Kingsley Amis
Yes - that's what his name is -
Has a brother
With whom he shares a mother
John Le Carré
used to go dancing at the Hammersmith Palais
Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Choreographer
Now that the Cold War is over, his next book is rumoured to be about a geographer.
Rupert Sheldrake
Has resonantly morphed into a corncrake
Our collective memory won't let us forget him
And his belief that animals communicate through telepathy was memorably tested in The colour of magic when Rincewind and Twoflower impersonated chelonauts and were launched (closely followed by The Luggage) over the Disc's Rim
Christian author C.S.Lewis
Intended his work to be sung to music by Peter Brewis
However, his writings in moralistic parables using imaginary creatures from fantasy worlds
Endeared him, particularly in the North-East, to children sitting at home suffering from curlds. (y'knaa)
Roald Dahl
Wrote books with characters that would often snarl
Whereas Enid Blyton
Had famously five and secretly seven to write on.
George Orwell
Seemed to foretell
Reality telly
And farms being taken over by George Melly
Colin Sell
Contrary to popular belief, can play the piano rather well
While Liberace (cf)
To my untrained ear, sounds rather starchy
Saint Nicholas
Is traditionally greeted by a cry of, "Please tickle us!"
Whereas Saint Christopher
In his sheepskin, is "Mr Fur".
Good King Wenceslas
Felt cold, so he sent for 'is lass
She, as the Queen of Bohemia
,Made things somewhat steamier
George Frederick Handel
Wrote mostly by the light of a candle
But Benjamin Britten
Was with gaslight smitten
Edgar Allen Poe
Was only 40 when he had to go
Fifteen years older than his late wife Virginia
Who was 25, but you knew that didn'ya?
Harriet Beecher Stowe (continuing trinomiality)
Never hunted polar bears on an ice floe
Although the subtext of Uncle Tom's Cabin
Absolutely fascinated Premier Yitzhak Rabin.
Margaret Bleeding Thatcher . . . . and happy to continue yet further . . .
Ran so fast no one could catch her
While her embarassing non-identical twins
Raided Oddbins
Richard Milhous Nixon
Was married to an alcoholic vixen
Whereas James Earl Carter (irach) The founder of Fucks Fox News?
Married his next door neighbour, who certainly was less of a lush but not much smarter.
Dwight David Eisenhower
Wielded supreme executive power
So, alas, did Joseph Vissarionovich Djugashvili
Who ruled with a firm iron fist, albeit willy-nilly.
George MacDonald Fraser
Rarely went out without his Household Cavalry blazer
Quite unlike Norman Stanley Fletcher, old lag
Who never went out at all while he was banged up for a blag.
Thomas Stearns Eliot
A Yank, and Nobel Prize Laureate
Was,like William Butler Yeats,
A poet frequently called upon to open fêtes
William Topaz McGonagall
Wrote much deathless verse, such as his lament on the Tay Bridge disaster, which will never pall
whereas e e cummings
had all his teeth. removed without. Numbings.
Percy Bysshe Shelley
Had he been born a couple of centuries later, would probably have ended his days as a minor celebrity who showed up in second-rate quiz shows on the telly.
As it was, he died in 1822
Which made Mary blue
Julius Henry Marx
Amused us with his larks
While George Bernard Shaw
Was rather more of a bore.
Jeremy John Durham Ashdown
Often pictured with a frown
Not becoming Prime Minister must have been a bit annoying
But he made up for the disappointment with his quasi-military envoying.
Simon Phillip Hugh Francis Neil Callow
Has achieved the unlikely feat of making reality TV even more shallow
In bold, obviously
Openly gay and acts the part
Wherever do his talents start?
Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde
Comitted buggery and was then reviled
He started his days within the Pale
But was later found guilty in a court of law, convicted, and sent to jail.
Harry S. Truman
Was human, all too human
He insisted the S was a name and shouldn't have a period after it, but wrote the period in his own signature himself
Perhaps this was a conscious attempt at irony, but he also ran the camp canteen at Ft. Still and it's entirely possible he just snitched one too many bottles off the shelf.
Jaramogi Oginga Odinga
Was the Octogenerian of Kenyan politics.
For African democracy, he was a key thinker ABAB then?
Although his sense of rhyme often went for six.
Edmund Clerihew Bentley why not?
Never treated scansion particularly gently
Rhyme and coherence, though, were the sine qua non
'Tis a pity we sometimes get it wrong. ;-)
Patrick Edmund Pery, the Earl of Limerick
Was considered by The Sun a big Tory stick
While Edward (middle name unknown) Lear, the original Limerick King
Was a much less political thing
Masaoka Shiki
May have been chosen for this clerihew because to the average Westerner, unversed in Japanese pronunciation, rhyming his surname doesn't seem too tricky
Unlike, say, the common Japanese name Kinoshita
Which apparently rhymes with Peter
U Thant
Has done something that many men can't
But apparently he only had one name
His other, Pantanaw, having been discarded when he achieved, as General Secretary of the United Nations, diplomatic fame
rab Is that allowable as the start of a clerihew?
Why not him at the start of clerhew; we'll take a stab
Of course, we can't promise anything stellar
But he is a remarkable feller.
Tuj Yes, it's allowable
Of whom we are all the judge
Now stands on trial
For casting a shadow, thereby blocking the public's ability to make use of the park sun-dial.
penelope curses, caught again
Likes to see how things developpy
Whereas flerdle
Prefers to let things curdle oblig, Nowt personal :o)
Chalky rolling on
Lost her doorkey
While she normally keeps it in a jar made of china,
The frail vessel cracked, and now the thing might be anywhere from Cannes to Carolina
Darren NO-ONE is safe
Once hiked the Kalahari, which as everyone knows, is very barren
Fortunately, the local tribesmen explained how water may be found
Underground
Rosie (in that case)
Has a cherished prize posession- a tatted Victorian tea cosy
He wears it on his head
While checking the weather from his shed.
Software
Dare
Says I Say, Potter!
Well, at least he oughtta. Dubious pronunciation to fit whether or not that was a typo
Bill Gates (Chalky) How did you know that?
Mates
But Steve Jobs' not the apple of his eye
You won't find Bill gently stroking Steve's thigh
The inscrutable irach - [Rosie] Just a hunch
Is undoubtedly aware of Nobel Prize-winning physicist Paul Dirac (Chalky) Actually I haven't got a hat of any kind. :-)
But the one he really feels for
Is the misshapen form of Patrick Moore.
Niels Bohr
Was rotten to the core
A singular view, it must be said
Since his study on the way electrons orbit around the atomic core to a Nobel Prize led!
Michael Faraday
Made it a point to frequent at least one bar a day
His consumption of the odd pork scratching
Kept his ideas of electromagnetism hatching.
Dorothy Leigh Sayers
Baked a cake of many layers
One for each circle of hell, in fact, which meant that it was kind of flimsy [irach] You should have shown up an hour sooner :-)
Her pastry concoctions being known for their allegoric connotations, and not for their whimsy
Dara O'Briain
Dreams of being Brendan Behan
Excepting, perhaps, the manner of his death
And alcohol tainted breath
Linus Pauling
Whose intake of vitamin C was quite appalling
Though he lived to be a great old age
Nuclear tests filled him full of rage
Romulus, brother of Remus
Said to Scotty, "To Rome will you beam us"
Or at least, that's what Babelfish translated it to from the original Latin
Which means it's about as likely that Mars' sons wanted to go to Manhattan actually, I wish babel DID do latin translations...
New York City
Big, loud, glitzy, fast, exciting but probably not pretty
Whereas San Francisco
Has only one disco.
Pablo Neruda
Used to rewrite Gabriel Garcia Marquez' limericks in order to make them cruder
Whereas Thomas Bowdler, hardly a writer
Removed the less moral parts of the human body in order to make it lighter
Greyfriars Bobby
Had to find an appropriate place in the graveyard to do a little jobby
But Jennings
Searched for pfennings.
Managing Director of the IMF, Rodrigo de Rato y Figaredo
Whirls in and out of the office like a tornado
While Director-General of the WHO, Dr. Lee Jong-Wook
Just pops in now and then to borrow a book
William Morris
Was very fond of young Doris
However she
Was far too young for some pervy old 19th Century designer who was just too old for she.
I appreciate that was rubbish, but I had to get it out of my system.
Thelonious Sphere Monk
Botherer] ...as the author of The IT crowd should have said.
Not for him the crudities of Punk
His thunk was melodious
And he considered Punk Rock as wretched as Hell...odious
The good Saint Valentine
Had a hearty penchant for sipping too much red wine
So now we commemorate
Him by getting drunk while out on a date
Sir David Frost Bile, please
Has always been determined to get himself on TV whatever the cost
He'll shortly be broadcasting from Qatar
What a way he has to earn his bread and butter!
Richard Dimbleby
No symbol he.
His style was very proper
'Though not a show stopper
General de Gaulle
To the UK's entry into the EU said "non" and that was not all
He took out a big hanky and blew his nose
This act spoke more eloquently of his feelings than any bombastic prose
Nicolas Copernicus
Flatly refused to subscribe to the astronomical model proposed by the Catholic church and thus published De revolutionibus
Thus, and with no pun intended, he precipitated a revolution
Which was to presage a similar one which erupted a few centuries later when Darwin proposed his theory of evolution!
Goya
Painted the Dutchess of Alba nude, but (thankfully) never got to similarly paint Jackson, i.e., LaToya
Instead, he painted himself
Which, in the opinion of the Kray twins, "wa'n't no good for 'is 'elf"
Van Gogh Pronunciation - please yourselves. ©Frankie Howerd.
Whenever asked to pronounce his own last name would fake a loud cough
While not entirely anatomically intact at the end of his tragic life, his brush strokes were bold and fearless
Painting sunflowers? Peerless!
Georges Seurat
His last Hurrah
Got to the point with impressionism
Which interested him more than hedonism.
Moammar Khadaffi
Makes excellent salt-water taffy
Whereas his counterpart in Tunisia
Has no time for such things, being much busier
Alan Ball
No genius but gave his all
Do we mean the screenwriter or football player?
Neither, our local carpet layer
Stephen King
Wrote that thing
Full of horror
Where Carrie started fires and the evil gor 'er.
Julius Caesar
Was a bit of a geezer
Whilst Brutus
Threatened to shoot us
Nefertiti
Was a bit of a sweety
But what she thought of King Tut
Would have to be editorially cut
Karl Friedrich Gauss
Wrote most of his mathematical formulae on cocktail napkins at his local Bierhaus
However, it is not known if he had a magnetic personality
But he certainly had German nationality.
Jerry Lee Lewis
Never met Peter Brewis
While Dean(and Steve)Martin
Were found dead with a carton.
Brian Perkins
Amassed a vast collection of blond and brunette merkins
While on the other hand, the lovely Charlotte Brown
Would not, despite her alleged horniness, on someone who thus misnamed her, go down.
Peter André
Does his landré
In a place so very large
It resembles a theatre stage rather than un cage
Jaap de Hoop Scheffer
Being Dutch, loves the Fresian heffer
The heifer is not amused
Although, admittedly, somewhat confused
Pete Tong
Has not been around that long
Not everyone's name has passed into Cockney rhyming slang
Not even The Emperor Wang.
Pele
Was never involved in a goalmouth mêlée
Unlike Bobby Tambling
Who, as a Jehovah's Witness, preached in the goalmouth and was oft accused of rambling
Lord Reith (Softers) Yeah, nobody's perfect, but 200 goals will do me nicely.
The first director of the BBC who ruled it like a feudal chief [Rosie] Yes, despite what some people think, football is not a religion.
Determined to inform, educate and entertain
The way it is now would have driven him insane.
Ronan O'Rahilly
Always signs his e-mails with a smiley
Quite unlike Ronan Tynan
Who sends emails without signin'.
Yanni
Probably does not speak Azerbaijani
Which may have helped his defence when accused of domestic battery by his his girlfriend, Silvia Barthes
He wouldn't have done anything to harm his hands, his lawyer says
W. G. Grace
Had a hairy face
But what was really weird
Is that he wore a false beard
Ernest Hemingway
Never wrote a play
Except in Key West
A place most detest.
Steve Punt
****!
Hails from Hackney Wick
D***
Armando Iannucci
A Glaswegian Italian, though never wears Gucci
When he is reminded of the Friday Night Armistice
Dithers around like a Useless Eustace
Dylan Moran
Was wonderful in Black books, but opinion is divided about his lead in the forthcoming Ken Loach production of Desperate Dan
Despite his fame, the English-speaking world is divided on which syllable of his surname should be stressed;
Which leaves me, for one, impressed
Rasputin
Is surrounded by many myths which I'm glad to be refutin'
Among which is his stated power over the late Tsarina
Which gave him unbridled access to her vagina. Latin pronuciation invoked.
Graham Dott
Not a ball he can't pot
But is he anything of a looker?
Not important if he can play snooker Invoking Lancashire accent
Snoop Doggy Dog
Keeps the pro-censorship lobby agog
Whereas Pam Ayres
Writes poems about which nobody really cares Nice lady, really
Charles Clarke
Enjoys releasing prisoners for a lark
Which, I suppose is fine...
If they commit no further crime
Sergio Leone
Has been unfairly characterised as a one-trick pony
In fact he had no tricks at all
Like Paul Daniels, who's small.
Jeff Daniels
Buys a lot of electrical goods but never reads the manuals
Whereas George Clooney
Is as likely to play in the World Cup as Wayne Rooney
Isaac Asimov
Though that most science fiction critics just tried to pass 'im off
In fact, they loved him (at least posthumously)
And now he is hailed almost unanoomously. mercy killing
Arthur C Clarke
Doubted the very existence of a quark
He believed the true nature of subatomic particles would be forever unexplained
(At least until God had been named)
John Wyndham
Was distraught when he wrote stories and others binned 'em
The Midwich Cuckoo did not suffer this fate
Nor did The Day of the Triffids, which was great.
James Tiptree, Junior
Wrote her books with a pen made from a petunia
Thus did her career flower
Although her act of killing her husband, and then shooting herself made some of her loyal readers really cower.
Barry Cryer
Could have joined the Church and become a Friar
In a school pantomime he once played the comical Friar Tuck
His bad luck.
Noah
Was a bit of a goer
He built The Ark
But not the Cutty Sark.
Lot
About his wife he gave not a Jot
He sneered at her as he drank his favourite malt
But her subsequent mineralisation was entirely her own fault.
Job
Was generally thought a snob
While Zachariah
Became a bit of a pariah (I always thought "Job" was pronounced to rhyme with "robe.")
The Apostle Paul (Darren) It is. This must've been a job lot.
Was also known as Saul
But Mark
Was never known as Clark.
Judas Iscariot Balancing the ying and yang
Hung himself from a tree using a noose on his lariat
His hair was red
It was said.
Adam and Eve
Wouldn't believe
That the simple apple
Would lead to them being immortalized in Michelangelo's painting in the Sistine Chapel.
Prince Charles
Rarely snarls
Although he does talk a lot of drivel
And on occasion is known to snivel.
Louis Pasteur
Preferred Mademoiselle to Monsieur
Apologies and an alternate more suited to the game.
Found prevention more viable than cure
While Marie Curie
Pressed on regardless, to her Safety Officer's fury.
Anton Lavoisier
Had absolutely nothing to do with the brassiere
But that's not to say
That he wasn't loved by Mrs. Lavoisier
Cary Grant
Married my aunt
And Garfunkel
Was described as Simon's carbuncle (avoiding the obvious...)
To boldly draw the line....
Was described as Simon's carbuncle
Sid James
Was adept at card games
Not so Hattie Jacques (Dandalf) Neat.
Hardly a card shark
[irach] Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't Hattie Jacques' surname pronounced to rhyme with "rakes"?
Oh well, I stand corrected. Here's an alternative line...Who, when playing gin rummy made such terrible mistakes.
Sherpa Tensing
Was never obsessed with skin cleansing
Therefore, he led a lonely life
Shunned by one and all, including his wife
Sir Edmund Hilary
Was surprised to find himself in the pillory
Because he thinks that modern mountaineers are too blasé
About considering human life just passé.
"Dave" Cameron
His political rivals would like to put him in the slammer on
The basis that he attracts women like flies
They do admire his shapely thighs
Magellan,
Or "Ferdie-baby" as addressed by Sir Ian McKellen Crap, but what else is there?
Did a bit of circumnavigation a while ago which has led to his name being used for a Global Positioning Satellite system because there is a tenuous connection
Why not vote for him at the next General Election?
Michelangelo (Rosie)- there was "felon, melon, Helen, no tellin'..."
Liked to indulge in the odd fresco
Whereas J M W Turner (Softers) I am far too innocent to know about felons or indeed melons. :-)
was a bit of a watercolour churner
W. G. Grace
How could he be such a good cricketer with such a hairy face?
Consider the baby-faced Babe Ruth
Who hit seven hundred and fourteen home runs! Streuth!
Svennis Yeah, I know you don't call him that. At least this should be rhymeable.
Became known as "The Swedish Menace"
While Bjorn Borg
bored.
Obi-Wan Kenobi
Gets someone to do his dhobi
While Luke Skywalker
Watches Night Stalker
Alec Guiness
Was a great fan of Neil Innes
He used dream of being in the Rutles with Neil
Until someone told him he didn't have the right 'feel'
Johannes Brahms
Possessed the standard number of arms
Which limited the type of music he was able to write
Yet, on the other hand, playing Chopin's piano pieces is facilitated by one's possession of supernumary digits on one of one's hands- the right.
Humph
Triumph
Brooke-Taylor
Failure (As if Brooke-Taylor rhymed with Failure... I ask you)>
Graeme Gardner
Seldom, if ever, greeted people saying "Howdy, Pardner!"
Unlike Graeme Garden (who is Graeme Gardner?)
Even when he visits Henley-in-Arden. (Darren) I think Chalky's been working too hard and by way of compensation may be in her cups at this late hour.
Bill Oddie oblig.
What a body!
So hairy!
No fairy!
Sam Loyd
Created the 14-15 Puzzle that any smartarse would avoid
Whereas Erno Rubik
Had ideas more cubic
Laszlo Bíró more world-famous Hungarians . . .
Was on the ball and is now upheld as a writers hero
Whilst Marçel Bich
Failed to click pronunciation assumed
Hieronymus Bosch
Thought by some to be the inventor of power tools, but that's tosh. (Softers) :-)
But Salvador Dali
Considered a genius by some, but, by God, didn't he over do it? Some of his work wouldn't even be accepted by the people of Mali.
Not that I'm claiming Malians have no taste in art. If you can show me the proof, I'll retract...
Roy Liechtenstein
Thought pop art was very fine
While Andy Warhol
Might have come with something worthwhile if he'd dug a borehole.
Tom Cruise
Makes me snooze
And Katie Holmes
Inspires no pomes.
Houdini
Drank Martini
Whereas Cyrano
Played with Meccano . . . one for the oldies . . .
I.M. Pei
Designed the glass pyramid structure over the Louvre that is reviled and adored equally by Parisians and was brought to dubious fame by Dan Brown whose yarn is, quite frankly, pie in the sky
On the other hand, Richard Rogers
Had no truck with bodgers.
Oscar Hammerstein
Would that the the first or second in line?
"The the the the the the," was one lyric he wrote
In response to which, Richard Rodgers left him a very snotty note
Che
Whaddya say?
He was a middle-class Argentinian that ended up as a Marxist revolutionary in Cuba somehow
And on to grace t-shirts worn by those who think they're cool now.
Fidel Castro
Is the maestro
He reeks of cigars
He hated the Czars.
Ho Chi Minh
Had quite a few hairs on his chinny chin chin
On the other hand, Nguyen Van Thieu
Considered shaving to be very much part of his world view
Syd Barrett
The last brick just fell out of his garret
After they'd sacked him, the rest of Floyd wished he was here
Although, had he stayed, would David Gilmour have had a career?
Nelson Mandela
Had an ex-wife Winnie whose behviour was far from stellar
He crossed paths in a peaceful way with F.W. de Klerk
Who viewed the end of apartheid as more than just a quirk (sorry to get two lines into this one; it's just that it's been languishing unfinished for days...)
Kylie Minogue (irach) Fair enough, but to rhyme it has to be said in deep Scouse. :-)
A neighboutly girl whose singing was at one time very much in vogue
If only she'd stayed with Jason Donovan
Nice boy, but they wouldn't have got in on often.
Alanis Morisette
Is old enough to have recorded on casette
Whereas Jo Brand
Is old enough to have had her act recorded in longhand
Stephen Harper
Wishes that Shay Given would not sign a new contract at Newcastle United, and just scarper. I suspect we may not be talking about the same Mr Harper, but the NUFC reserve goalie is the only one I know
Meanwhile Tim Krul
Maybe only young but is certainly no fool
Folk troubadour Bob Dylan
Was held to be the evangelist of the sixties protest movements but their attribution was misgiven
As for Pete Seeger [Phil] No we're not, but yours is better.
When it came to the shift from acoustic to electric, he wasn't eager
Jimi Hendrix
Did bluesy note-bend tricks
With his teeth
Which numbered twenty-six
I never realised before that "teeth" rhymed with "six!"
[Darren] I must have been in CleriGlowWorm mode.
How about:
Jimi Hendrix
Did bluesy note-bend tricks
With his teeth
Which were woven into his wreath
Germaine Greer Chalky] Nice save
Has no peer
And Simone de Beauvoir
Has said au r'voir.
Jean-Paul Sartre
Jean-Paul Sartre
Was an existentialist old fartre
Nevertheless, his works confronted basic religious bprinciples and he thus seriously pissed off Pope Pius the twelfth who had his books banned for reading by the good catholic faithful
For which only they were grateful.
Jean-Jacques Rousseau
Sired many children and encouraged his friends to do so
Among his enemies was Voltaire
Who, among his other contributions to the Enlightenment, first coined the term au pair
Zinedine Zidane
Everyone but the French thinks he's insane
Never mind how much he was provoked by Materazzi
You can't do that in front of so many paparazzi
[Tuj] Brilliant - I couldn't think of a 4th line, but I hoped someone would be inspired :-)
Vladimir Putin
Won his political spurs while disputin' [Phil] I blush!
This is the way with most politicians (Tuj) You shouldn't. It were a good'un.
But (sharp intake of breath) when it comes to estimates and billing, you'll find it's a practice employed by numerous electricians
Steve McClaren
His future looks barren
While David Beckham
Will do fine, since he does not allow wife Posh Spice to henpeck him.
Monty Panesar
Looks pretty solid, so far
And good old Ian Bell
Wrote Elite with David Braben, which sold rather well
Samuel L. Jackson
Is not Anglo-Saxon
Whilst Sean Bean
Is Martian and green
"Doctor" John Reid
Is soft in the heid
He thinks that plastic bags are the best defence against terrorist bombers
And, inserts, wrongly too, many commas.
"Doctor" Gillian McKeith
Would have appalled Lord Reith
An Australian self appointed nutritional expert, though thought to be a quack
How can we persuade the Australians to take her back?
George Jean Raymond Pompidou
Il est mort, mais ils sont les autres en son lieu
Contrairement à Jean-Marie le Pen
Le leader du partie <>, qui est electé again et again.
Drat, that was the parti «Front National»
Sir Alan Sugar
When crossed, can be an ill-tempered old bugger
And when tired
You're fired I guess that was what you had in mind, pen
Brian Blessed
Playing Fancy Smith in Z Cars as a policeman dress-ed
While Michael Laerned
(OOPS! That should be Learned, of course...)
Often went to fancy dress parties dressed as a St. Bernard just to move it along
Darrell Hair
Found a problem that wasn't there
Mind you, after that dubious decision his application of the law
Stuck in many people's craw
Alan Bennett
Wrote about people who say "’Ot, ennit?"
Unlike Enid Blyton
Whose characters' pronunciation was always right-on
Lee Perry
Was influential in the development of reggae and dub, particularly in Jamaica, and was diametrically opposite in style to Mungo Jerry,
Whose advocacy of drink-driving
Was perhaps what kept an otherwise promising career from thriving
Rudolf Diesel
Had a stressful life as an engineer and thus turned to lecturing with the aid of a blackboard and easel
He eliminated the need for a spark plug found in the earlier internal combustion engine design of Nikolaus Otto
And instead used it for cheap thrills whenever he was blotto
Dmitri Shostakovich
Wrote symphonies and pieces for string quartets for which (... unfinished sentence alert)
Zoltán Kodály It must be
Hidden textWould die-y.
(So says Rosie) would die-y.
Fact: my father (who worked in BBC Radio) made a telephone request to the BBC Sheet Music library for "Could I But Express In Song" (Composer unknown) and received a memo back a few days later reporting that no record could be found of "Kodály: Buttocks-pressing Song".
[Kim] What I particularly love about that anecdote is the window it gives us into the mental world of whoever took down your father's request.
Avogadro
Do you mean the bishop or the count? Sadly we will never know.
We'll assume you mean the man with the famous number
Being 6.0221367 x 10 to the power of 23 which if one is not of a chemical bent, is likely to induce slumber.
The T.U.C.
Right now doesn't have a lot of time for Ton-ie
It would have even less for a Tory
End of story.
The Queen
Drinks Ovaltine
While Prince Phillip
Prefers a Mint Julep
Silvio Berlusconi (Robin) One's Mint Julep?
For your support he'll bung you a pony
It'd be handy for riding into town
If Yankee Doodle doesn't and lets us down
Andrew Strauss
Is not the one who composed Die Fledermaus
That will do for an opener
Of his success his wife has some hope in 'er
[Darren] Well rescued! [Rosie] Couldn't think of many other drinks that rhyme with Phillip. However,
Phil the Greek
Thought my reference to his liking Mint Julep a cheek
For when it came to his favourite booze, oh
He much preferred Ouzo.
(Robin) Here, drink this; it'll give you a fillip.
George the Third
Sometimes he though that he was a little bird
During his reign there were two Prime Ministers called William Pitt
Though they had different ages which helped a bit
Brad Pitt
American upper class twit
He'll never be Prime Minister
Maybe politics is not so sinister.
Angelina Jolie
Does a surprisingly accurate impersonation of Buddy Holly
Now she just needs to find her Ritchie Valens and Big Bopper
But she could try to do Fred Astair in a topper
Quentin Crisp
Despite many affectations went to great lengths to disguise his lisp
He made no bones about the fact that he was as camp as a row of tents
And enjoyed the company of other gents
Jackson Pollock
Dedicated his art to the service of Moloch
Although his technique was somewhat simple
(Instead of painting, he just squeezed a pimple)
Tilda Swinton
Strangely has a name that sounds like a mark of punctuation
She appeared naked in Orlando
But never did appear onscreen with Marlon Brando.
Robert the Bruce
With the English played fast and loose
Legend has it he learned a life lesson from a spider
Which an old lady swallowed, and it wriggled and wiggled and tickled inside her.
Gerardus Mercator (for it is he)
Not to be confused with Nicholas, the mathematician and music theorist, noted for his works on natural logs and "53 equal temperament", who lived roughly a century later,
Developed a famous map projection
But suffered because of the Catholic church's rejection
Sir George Everest
Never really knew when to give it a rest
A man of precision
Not an object of derision
Peter Gabriel
When trying to intone the word "grill" always, for some reason, managed to say "griel"
Founded Genesis and then left it to Phil Colins who hung in rather longer
Thereby earning a great deal more "wonga".
Eve
Felt quite the outsider once Adam met Steve
But God disapproved
Thus the Gay Rights campaign ensued.
Adam
Took a right ribbing from Eve, the little madam
Pretty soon, yielding to temptation, they got to breedin'
Followed by many months of breast-feedin'
Heinrich Rudolf Hertz
Had a pet iguana that was bigger than Prince Albert's
His descendants rented vans
And his name had some letters in common with that bloke who put beans in cans
William Morris
Provided calligraphy for an 1876 edition of The Odes of Horace
But best remembered for his contributions to the world of wallpaper and other interior designs and decorations
And sometimes his orations
Eleanor of Aquitaine
Of both France and England she became queen
Mother of Richard the Lionheart
Had a sister named Petronilla, but not (to my knowledge) a brother named Bart.
Michael Portillo
Has many a peccadillo
Having been pipped as Tory leader by IDS he resigned his seat
If not in control of the kitchen he couldn't take the heat.
Ezra Pound
During the Second World War was mostly renowned
Particularly for his fascist views
Which at the time was bad news.
King Leonidis of ancient Sparta
Though not generally recorded in history books, was a champion farter
His expulsions were legion
And but for a system of funnels which channeled them harmlessly underground, would have decimated the region.
Al Gore
Informed environmentalists that a rare sort of spore
Had infected the White House
And had replaced the President with a woodlouse
Ada Lovelace
Devised the first computer program with a smile on her face
In that respect she worked on the difference engine with Charles Babbage
Who had the countenance of an old cabbage.
Helen of Troy
Was mad about the boy
Her face may have launched a thousand ships
More likely to have been her snaky hips.
Caligula
Would diddle with his sister quite regula'
While Nero
Was nobody's hero.
Sir Alec Guinness
Had bones of a most extraordinary thinness
This caused problems while playing Obi Wan Kenobi
And which is why the lost the role of Genghis Khan to a horribly miscast John Wayne in "The Conqueror", to lead a horde of Mongols across the barren Gobi.
Geoffrey Chaucer
Liked to sip his tea not from a cup, but a saucer
He liked to write in English about ordinary folk
While eating omelets made without the yolk
Mr. T
"I pity the fool," says he
He's reformed and divested himself of heavy gold chains
But you still won't get him on aeroplanes.
Sean Bean
Could never be a drag queen
He played Boromir in Lord of the Rings
The only semi-convincing performance he's managed in a role that was just one of many, the others largely disappointing things.
Don Rumsfeld
Needs his bumps felt
After being called "incompetent strategically, operationally and tactically"
Politically he's dead, practically.
Nancy Pelosi
Has never met even a single solitary one of America's many Mafiosi
But Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin
Were claimed to be so close to Carlo Gambino as to frequently hear him fartin' (Sorry,....coat!)
Gary Gygax
Gets +1 to all his attacks
His Vorpal Sword
Gives him that reward
John Stonehouse
Had no nous
He failed to realise that just leaving a pile of clothes on a beach
Would not necessarily convince the Director of Public Prosecutions that he had succumbed to a watery grave and was consequently out reach.
Rolf Harris
Once painted Niles Crane's first wife Maris
Probably a more significant sitter for the bearded Oz was Queen Elizabeth the Second
Who was hoping she'd be depicted as a kangaroo more than Rolf reckoned
Steve Irwin
Often dangled raw meat in front of crocodiles whose dinner he was servin'
His boldness was his demise
Said Germain Greer who was ever so sad that she had no chance to say her goodbyes
Ricky Ponting
Whose captaincy in the last Ashes series was found wanting
Relied heavilly on Shane Warne
But for whose contribution Australian hopes would have been folorn.
Alan Rickman
Has never had a suntan
But could he be a lovey, having trod the boards at the RSC?
That may be true, but his best work is on film, if you ask me.
John Barrowman
Is not portly; nor is he a slender narrow man
Seems to have a predilection for science fiction
In which he has a glamorous depiction
Nouri Kamal Al-Maliki
Heads a government that's cliquey
When shove comes to push
He wants rid of Bush as expected, Raak?
Link, frequent rescuer of Princess Zelda,
Actually plotted her abductions, so he could have an excuse for jumping into the fray each time, and to have held her
nice
Like your local bobby
It's done as a hobby quickly moving on ...
Paul Merton (Softers) Exactly as I had hoped. :-)
Paul Merton Try again
Is often certain
But his guest
He sometimes views as a pest
Matt Lucas
Can find comedy in the darnedest things, like the North Korean leader's threats to nuke us
But on the other hand his partner-in-crime David Walliams
Is basically a persistent depressive and is hooked on the Valiums.
Spike Milligan
Was mad, and shot flowers with a lily gun
But his radio, poetry and books
Are all worth second looks
Armando Iannucci
Can afford Gucci
He's even had his own television and radio shows
but where the humour was, nobody knows
The Editor of the News of the World
Spent £95 having his hair curled
However, the present holder of this post
Still publishes far more bollocks than most That was hard
Dame Judi Dench (Softers) I cocked up on the 3rd line, thinking that the Ed. was the abysmal Rebekah Wade
A very British wench
Until she got stuck in the water closet
-- Now that wasn't a very nice thing to mention, was it?
Helen Mirren
His in Austrilian mite called Dirren [Softers] Another nice easy rhyme [all Australian Crescenters] apologies
And all the corks dangling from his hat
Showed he was a bit of a twat. Further apologies.
Shilpa Shetty
Found the behaviour of her fellow contestants rather petty
Particularly that of the rather ugly and overweight "celebrity" Jade Goody
But the boss of Channel 4 wouldn't condemn it, would 'e?
Richard Harris
Left his cake out in the rain, but him it did not seem to embarrass
When acting, he used to ham a lot
And when shooting the movie musical about the Arthurian legend he was known to shout "Damn!" a lot
Barack Obama - careful now
According to certain rumour-mongerers is a radical Muslim just like Osama
The Democratic party is divided about his suitability as the Presidential candidate
But most of the rest of the country is piqued by the possibility of a leader who actually can orate
D'ye ken John Reid?
Aye, indeed!
some say he has accepted the poisoned chalice
Others detect a degree of malice.
Lord Michael Levy
Founded the label Magnet Records which featured many recording artists, but never ever the Wonder man, Stevie
This avails him naught
'Cos the bugger's been caught
The accused, Anthony Charles Lynton Blair
Obviously does not give a care
That he sometimes appears to be George Walker Bush's eager lap dog
And at other times appears to be wandering in the fog.
King John That last one was a bit earnest, wasn't it?
Everything he did went wrong
Whereas the Abbott of Canterbury
Didn't even make it into Wiki, in fact I think irach made him up...
[IS,P]- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_Abbot_(Archbishop_of_Canterbury)
[irach] oops. sorry.
Lou Costello
Was not always a likeable fellow
Whereas Bud Archbish Abbott
Had many a bad habit
Bob Dylan
In 1988 recorded a Woody Guthrie ballad immortalising the life of crime of "Pretty Boy" Floyd, a Depression-era bank robber and villain
He played the guitar
And the harmonica(r)
Bonnie and Clyde
Died
While Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
also did.
Major Major Major Major
Fecked off with Yossarian's pager
While Nurse Duckett
Was the under-age inamorata alluded to by Gary Puckett
Dudley Moore
Phwooar!
Five foot two inches of pure man
And as such many starlets of him became a fan
Peter Cook
Was a founder and contributor to Private Eye and once even wrote a book
He also liked the occasional drink
Better than ink
Ian Hislop
Not much cop
Still, he is the editor of Private Eye
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