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So the Danish guy dies
help
Well, we've all seen those promising trailers that make the worst films seem like the next Oscar winner - how about writing a description that makes a classic sound absolutely dire? e.g. So there's this teenager and he hates his mother and his stepdad and there's loads of drugs and gore and they all die. Only better, hopefully. And without Mel Gibson.
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The Meaning of Life
The Meaning of Life is not revealed satisfactorily. And you can't find the fish either. Lots of vomit.
E.T.
An alien comes to earth, but does no harm and returns home.
Lord of the Rings
There's this gold ring, lots of people after it,supurb battles,mega bucks scenery, some little people with hairy feet take charge, the ring is melted.
Batman
Completely out to lunch and thoroughly surreal; Dickie Bird is misrepresented as The Penguin, and I do not even begin to understand what Catwoman is all about; merely demonstrates beyond all shadow of doubt that Americans do not understand cricket at all.
The Singing Detective
An intriguing nineteen-forties thriller in which you never find out who killed the girl. Mixed in with some filler material about a sick author in hospital, although the period detail tends to lapse in these sequences.
Abigail's Party
Neither Abigail nor her party appears in this due to budget shortages.
Waiting for Godot
(actually, no, I shan't bother with this one, since a plain synopsis would do the job just as well).
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead
Another adaptation of Hamlet, but with crucial details cut out such that the story is very difficult to follow.
Oedipus Rex
A man loves his mother very much.
The complete works of Plato
Socrates annoys a lot of people and gets executed without ever finding a satisfactory definition of piety.
And I know that's a book - but how much worse would the film version be?
Jack and the Beanstalk... er... the movie
The hero, a failure, steals from, then murders a successful sky-dweller, motivated entirely by envy and sizeist prejudice.
Cinderella
Typical rags-to-riches plot, weakened by the unbeleivable glass slipper episode.
Superman
Incredibly, the entire movie contains not one single reference to Nietzsche.
Spaceballs
"Let's do Star Wars, with jokes! Or perhaps not."
The Merchant of Venice
Jews are bad. Transvestives are good. Meddling dead people know what's best for you.
Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy
The movie begins when the earth blows up, this is found to be insignificant.(I know that the movie is not out yet but hey)
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (TV version)
The plot is of the radio series is chopped up, rearranged and generally screwed around with. This is also found to be insignificant.
The Taming of the Shrew
Yes!
No!
Yes!
No!
Yes!
No!
Yes!
Yes!
Danny the Champion of the World
His father is a petty thief, and he learns petty theivery from him. No-one dies.
Citizen Cane
Rosebud was his sled.
Polar Express
Turn off, tune out, stop thinking and believe.
Indigo
Turn off, tune out, stop thinking and believe.
What The Bleep
Turn off, tune out, stop thinking and believe.
Koyaanisqatsi
An exultant celebration of the peak of Western civilisation.
Mary Poppins
The singing nanny demonstrates a deft touch for childcare and gets off with the chimney-sweep.
The Sound of Music
The singing nanny demonstrates a deft touch for childcare and gets off with the baronet.
Alien 3
Sigourney Weaver gets a haircut, everyone runs about for a bit, then Sigourney Weaver dies. Warning: contains scenes involving Charles Dance.
Koyaanisqatsi
[With apologies to Raak] An exultant celebration of nature vv the pits of Western civilisation.
Koyaanisqatsi
[with apologies to Raak and Bob] A bunch of disjointed images with music to match.
The Naked Gun
Frank Drebin attempts to prevent the assassination of the Queen using all the skill, subtlety and ingenuity of the real-life police force. The main clue that it's a comedy is that he succeeds.
The Third Man
Black and white film, dodgy camera work, cheap backing music (a guy playing a zither - can you believe it?). Oh, and the leading man does't appear until an hour into the film. All the hallmarks of a cheap B-movie, I think you'll agree.
Apollo 13
Some astronauts don't die.
The Day After Tomorrow
It gets cold.
The Lost World (Conan Doyle, not Crichton)
Apparently it wasn't.
Mulholland Drive
Surrealism. Murder. Bare breasts.
Dad's Army (the movie)
A group of eccentric old men do considerable damage to the British war effort, but apparently make up for it by capturing a couple of German airmen at the end.
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