"And now, show jumping from Hickstead."

Desert island disks

"This week's guest is Jade Goody."

The Eurovision Song Contest

"Representing the UK, we have Jade Goody."

BBC Learning Zone

"...presented this week by Jade Goody"

How Clean Is Your House?

"...presented by Jade Goody nude."

The Proms

"...to commemorate D-Day, soloist, Jade Goody with The White Cliffs of Dover."

No Going Back

As it happens I did buy a return ticket.

Steptoe and Son

"I'm having an, erm, operation next week. From now on I'd like to be known as Ethel - I hope you don't mind, Dad..."

Top Gear

"and this week we'll be putting the new Lotus head to head against the 'acme 6 volt battery scooter', more fun..... than a box of monkeys"

"Who the hell let the tarantulas out?"

Bill And Ben

"This week on Ground Force, we're going to remodel a rather unusual garden..."

Bob the Builder

"Now, wherever have Bob and Wendy got to?"

Jonathan Creek

"This week, Maddy and Jonathan apply their talents to what is still an unsolved mystery."

Bargain Hunt

"This week, I'm going to be auctioning off these genuine 24 carat gold chips that I've just found in my pocket..."

Starsky And Hutch

"Dude, where's my car?"

Strictly Come Dancing

"Move your foot to the left, not the right. *thwack* How many times do I have to say this? *thwack* I don't want to have to punish you again, Bruce."

Britain Goes Wild With Bill Oddie

"I told you how dangerous Ecky Thump was!"

Rentaghost

"Oh, so that's why they call you Mr Claypole."

One Foot in the Grave

"Where's the rest of Victor gone?" coat...

Mr Bean

"Oh, so that's why they call you Mr Bean."

Call My Bluff

So what are or is a Celebrity.

Womans Hour

So what exactly do you mean by Post-Op Nadia?

Blue Peter

Hello Mr Stringfellow!

Most Haunted

"why, it was the old caretaker!" "yes, and I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you meddling TV sorts"

Will and Grace

For the inheritance we are about to recieve may the Lord make us truely thankful.

Party Election Broadcast

"Oi, mate, where's the bloody party? Putting a tick on this bit of paper ain't my idea of a good time. Put some music on and give us a drink."

Football Focus

"Bugger it, I just sat on my specs!"

Gardeners' World

"And this week, we look at the ideal way for busy city folk to manage a garden: pave the whole thing over."

Farming Today

"...sponsored by Monsanto."

Robot Wars

Now I look down the harbor. All manner of boats, overloaded with fleeing population, pulling out from docks.

Streets are all jammed. Noise in crowds like New Year's Eve in city. Wait a minute... The... the enemy is now in sight above the Palisades. Five — five great machines. First one is crossing the river. I can see it from here, wading... wading the Hudson like a man wading through a brook...

Now the first machine reaches the shore. He stands watching, looking over the city. His steel, cowlish head is even with the skyscrapers. He waits for the others. They rise like a line of new towers on the city's west side...

Now they're lifting their metal hands. This is the end now. Smoke comes out... black smoke, drifting over the city. People in the streets see it now. They're running towards the East River... thousands of them, dropping in like rats.

Now the smoke's spreading faster. It's reached Times Square. People are trying to run away from it, but it's no use. They're falling like flies.

Now the smoke's crossing Sixth Avenue... Fifth Avenue... a... a hundred yards away... it's fifty feet...


The West Wing

Duck, here comes Bush and Condalisa.

Z-Cars

We've had to give it a mersey killing.

Monty Python's Flying Circus. All right, sacrilege. Do your worst.

s'tI

Spooks

"Who you gonna call?"

The Royle Family