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Michael Grade has just been appointed Director General of the BBC, and, true to form, wants a clearout. Please provide inappropriate sentences that sound the death knell for a radio or television programme (for example: The Money Programme - Has anyone got 50p for the meter? or Upstairs Downstairs - "Rose! We're moving into a bungalow!"). Since Grade believes that he has God-like powers, you don't have to stick to the BBC.
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"This week, a top chef gives Satan tips on cooking human flesh with fire, sulphur, and brimstone."

Today

"And now a report from the BBC archives..."
One Man and His Dog
"Normally, we'd insist on there being a bit more distance between him and the dog, and that he should wear clothes, but he seems to be enjoying himself nonetheless."

Panorama

Today we investigate the new technology, shortly to be released to not only sporting telecasters but also oursleves, called 'tunnelvision'. [Darren] Done earlier by Software and rab

Match of the Day

Number Three. The Swan Vesta. [pause] The Swan Vesta.

Murphy's Law
But first, a party political broadcast.

Murder She Wrote

"Damn, out of ink ribbon." [UK] a-HA-ha-ha-ha!

Masterpiece Theatre
"In a ground breaking televisual event, Ant and Dec will star in a live action version of Bill and Ben"

Top of the Pops

"No move at number one for Bryan Houston's 'I Will Always Do Everything That It Is That I Do For You', holding onto the top spot for a shattering four-hundred-and-thirty-seven weeks!"

Family Fortunes

(That joke once was topical)
"And playing against them we have the Beckham Family. Meet David, Victoria, Brooklyn..."

Father Ted

"...a new series, featuring all of the original cast" coat...

The National Lottery
"The numbers are... 1... 1... 1... 1... 1, and... 1. The bonus ball is... 1."

Newsnight Review

"Do you know what? I agree with you."

Newsnight
"I love you, Minister."

Blackadder

"as cunning as very cunning thing, that wrote a learned thesis on cunning, published by the cunning press, etc, etc,etc (slap)"

Countdown
British UFO Files What the F**k was that??? F**ked if I know!!!
Come ON! Too much repetition. Countdown's been 'done' already, as have at least 3 more on this page. Declaring originality with ...

Scrapheap Challenge

"And this week, can a team of former future Prime Ministers build a viable opposition government from nothing but a stack of dead wood?"

Composer of the Week

"This weeks featured composer is Rolf Harris. Rolf's contribution to the popularity of the Stylophone..."

Teletubbies

"one day, in teletubby land, Tinky Winky was off his face, while Laa Laa and Dipsy went twos on his crack pipe."

sorry, I thought I checked that out.........

The Simpsons
"We now regard this programme as a disaster of Homeric proportions".

A book at bedtime

"Tonight, the Slough Telephone Directory."

Only Fools and Horses

"And now, show jumping from Hickstead."

Desert island disks

"This week's guest is Jade Goody."

The Eurovision Song Contest

"Representing the UK, we have Jade Goody."

BBC Learning Zone

"...presented this week by Jade Goody"

How Clean Is Your House?
"...presented by Jade Goody nude."

The Proms

"...to commemorate D-Day, soloist, Jade Goody with The White Cliffs of Dover."

No Going Back

As it happens I did buy a return ticket.

Steptoe and Son

"I'm having an, erm, operation next week. From now on I'd like to be known as Ethel - I hope you don't mind, Dad..."

Top Gear

"and this week we'll be putting the new Lotus head to head against the 'acme 6 volt battery scooter', more fun..... than a box of monkeys"


Animal Hospital
"Who the hell let the tarantulas out?"

Bill And Ben
"This week on Ground Force, we're going to remodel a rather unusual garden..."

Bob the Builder

"Now, wherever have Bob and Wendy got to?"

Jonathan Creek
"This week, Maddy and Jonathan apply their talents to what is still an unsolved mystery."

Bargain Hunt

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