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50 Ways To....
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This was Kevan's idea (see MCiOS chat room). It's based on the song "50 Ways To Leave Your Lover" ("You just slip out the back, Jack; Make a new plan, Stan....") Well, there have to be 50 ways to do other tasks, right? So, off we jolly well go, Joe!
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Fake Typhoid, Boyd.
34.Read them your obituary, Jerry.
Tell em you choked on some Candy, Mandy
36. Just tell 'em you're crook, sook.
37.Get your dear Mother to call in for you, Lou.
38. Say you've tachycardia, Nadia.
39. Feign asbestosis, Moses.
40 Deny being in Las Vegas, Gus
[all] shurely 'Deny being in Las Vegas, Dégas'...?!!
[pen]you tell who you want to tell, I'm telling Gus
41.... send 'em a singing telegram, Sam
42. The doc says you have thrush, Nush.
43. Tell 'em to look up 'cause I'm in freefall, all and no parachute!
44 Say you were crushed by a freefalling lunatic, Rick
45 Say you've dislocated your shoulder, Golda. (Duj) 38 is v. good. :-)
46. Say you're trapped in a lift, Cliff.
47. You've just had ECT, Jeeves.
48. Nasty does of chlamydia, Lydia.
49.Tell 'em you're just too damn lazy to come in today, Maisy.
50. Be honest and tell 'em you've been out on the piss, Chris.
I think it must be time for 50 Ways To Play Mornington Crescent, starting with
1. Start at Green Park, Clark.
2. Avoid Dollis Hill, Will
3. Perform several striles, Niles.
4. Avoid Dollis Hill, Phil.
5. Avoid Dollis Hill, Jill.
6 Jump straight to Morden, Denis Norden.
7. Avoid Dollis Hill, Bill
8. Use Ongar Denials, Gyles.
9.Keep one foot on the Bank, Frank.
10. Keep an eye on the L.V., Bea.
11. Don't land in knip, Pip
12. Be sparing in invoking Archbold's Lemma, Gemma.
13. Ignore all the rules, fools.
14.You simply must ad lib, Mr. Gibb.
15. Play Waterloo, Stu
16 Via Picadilly, Lilly
17. And thence to Kingsway, May.
18. Don't end up in spoon, June.
Watch out for the LV spike, errr, Spike.
19.00
20. Declare home at Goodge Street, Pete. Well it works for me!
21. Don't even think of gatecrashing one of our games and killing it off by playing Mornington Crescent, peasant.
*shouts, screams, generally goes wild for Wol*
Oh buggerbuggerbugger - there's a horrid bullet wound in my foot ... sorrysorrysorry - help!! I really didn't mean that to happen, honest ...
22. Slink back to Queensway, Fay.
23. Straddle Putney Bridge, Midge.
24. Beware of roads that go one-way, Jay
25. Fetch the Game Repair Squad when Wol f*cks up, Fairlop. [teehee]
26. Do it with feeling, North Ealing
27. Crossharbour and London Arena, Tina
28. Keep the diagonals clear, Pier.
Make a joke about Mudchute, Knute.
^ 29
30 With interesting nicknames, James.
31. Keep changing your moniker, Monica.
32. Watch out for Becontree, Dee.
33. I'll start at Vauxhall, Paul.
34. Only *farkle* when stuck, Chuck.
35. Never pin Colindale, Colin, Dale.
36. Don't try to get off at Museum, Liam!
37. Be wary of Tooting Bec, Beck.
38. Have care in Zone One, Juan.
39.Thru interesting pick-up lines in bars, Lars.
40: Check your Fronsky diagram, Pam.
[Falstaff] Just FYI, such manoeuvres have been illegal since the 1997 Ljubljana Amendments.
41 Go right on past Old Street, Pete
42. Start a Parks Cascade, Jade.
43. Try not to bifurcate, Kate
44. Don't straddle over White City, Kitty.
45. Don't make the Kings Cross, Boss.
46. Don't start a Dollis Hill Loop, Troop.
47 Don't cause a reverse temporal eddy, Sir Neddie. [Neddie] Nice to have such an esteemed knight of the realm with us, but please note that the gigni de nihilo ... game on MCiOS flows in reverse -- ie, if you read up the page it makes sense, so you can't "know" what's gone before as it hasn't happened yet in the game's time frame -- the fun lies in the construction of a "past" that fits everything we know will be "going to happen". I think I've managed to make your first move fit in all right, though ... ([everyone] Sorry; I promise this is the last time I interrupt an mc5 game to explain gigni.)
48. Try to bifurcate, Kate.
Of course, it depends on the circumastances, as you all know. 43's still valid, just spotted that!
[Brendan] You can't believe how long it took me to figure that it was backwards...
49. Avoid trouble by playing Hyde Park, Mark
50. Don't forget to finish the match, Patch.

OK, now how about 50 Ways to Appear on Television.

1. Steak at a sporting event, Brent.

dammit, meant streak
2. Eat an enormous steak, Drake. For charity or something. Nice one Darren!
3. Elbow your way vigorously to the front of the 'Last Night of the Prom'ers, Thomas.
Write a TV comedy play....Ray
4. Bare your breast to the planet, Janet.
Ah, not very original; it appears that ZK did something similar earlier. I should have clicked on 'Expose All'. Sorry.
Aargh! That should have been 5.
6. Write in to Blue Peter, Dieter.
7. Become a celebrity cook, Chuck. From north of 52½°N, obviously.
8. Write to Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen, Rowan.
9 Go on Who wants to be a Millionaire, Clare
Get eaten by a lion at Longleat, Pete
Pah I forgot the number again.......back to Kings Cross sorry everyone!!
Start a riot at the footie, Sooty. [Dujon] Yours was funnier :)
[Dujon] Looks like I could take a leaf out of your book. I've done that one before too!
12. Stand still for long enough, Geoff.
13 Just 'HANG' out in a box, Fox. ah-la Barmey Blaine.
14.Make a complete and utter spectacle of oneself by perching atop of it, dressed solely in a pink tutu [hands clutching a bowl of salsa i.e. chips] with both unsightly legs dangling over the screen, whilst wearing the rabbit-ear antenna atop ones *sic* head.
...Fred. (completing Falstaff's move)
15. Appear on Big Brother, Mother.
16. Appoint yet another croney, Tony.
17. Become a Premiership ref, Jeff
18. Get cast as the new Doctor Who, Stu!
19 In the nude, Jude.
20. Make a new episode of Blake's 7, Kevin.
Make a good episode of Blake's 7, Bevin.
Wroot a episod of 'Allo 'Allo which do nat oose a bod fronch acsont, Cont
23. Wave at a passing news camera, Pamela.
24 Become a presenter, Gunther. [Crabbers] I cod nid agwee moer. Until you piss this wee again.
25. Invent a new gameshow, Joe.
26. Impress Simon Cowell, Raul.
27. Stand as a presidential candidate with a campaign based soley on who your father was despite having a brain made of mush, Mr. Bush
Be the first man on mars......Larrs
29. Become a cameraman and turn it 180 degrees, Rhys.
Bomb and invade Syria, Lydia
31 In the past, there was always Police Five, Clive.
32 Hold Romeo Beckham to ransom, handsome.
33. Sit in a house doing b*gger-all, Paul. Not a fan of Big Brother and the whole reality TV boom, I'm afraid
34. Volunteer to be a redshirt, Kurt.
35. Go on a crime spree, see.
[thanks Darren ... dunno how i overlooked that...musta been outa breath]
36. Climb a clock that's big, Ben.
37. Enter BBC Talent at www.bbc.co.uk , Ray
38. Record yourself with a camcorder and play it back on your own set, Jet.
39. Get caught doing that with a minor (playing it back on your telly), Kelly ooh slightly outdated yet topical [Inkspot] Sublime!
Do a public strip-tease, Louise
41 Voice over a documentary, Terry
42. Make an advert, Kurt.
Stalk Mathew Kelly, Nellie (perish the thought!)
44. Kill the annoying purple Barney, Killarney.
45. Hold the world to ransom, Hanson
46 Commontate on the Cup Final, Lionel
47.Put Trinny's head down the pan, Susanne ...(artistic licience declared)
48. Become a weather girl, Shirl. (Been going on for a while, hasnt it, this one?)
Don't do what they want you to, Bartholomew.
50. Write the credits at the end, friend.
how about...
50 Ways to Lose Your Liver

1. Start with some gin, Lynne.
2. Keep knocking back the sherry, Cherie.
3. Donate organs before you're dead, Fred. Two sides to every story
3. Take all possible steps to avoid a carcinoma, Homer. And yet a third.
4 Don't forget the rum, mum.
5. When you're eating liver and bacon, keep the bacon but throw away what remains, Brains.
7. Behave like George Best, Celeste.
8. Put away a skinful of Theakston's Old Peculier, Julia.
Share a needle wih a junkie, Monkey.
10. Drink yourself under the table, Mabel.
[When mom ain't lookin'] sneak it under the table to Ol' Rover, Grover.
The last one was [it was]!
12. Drink a flagon of scumpy with every meal, Neil.
13. Promise a loan shark a pound of your mortal flesh, Ramesh.
14. Don't keep loads of booze in the house, Klaus.
15. If you're the city the Beatles came from, change your name to "pool," Zool.
16. A bottle of whiskey a day, Ray.
17. Drink a bottle of whisky a day, Jay. Far more potent!
18 Juggle with a chainsaw, Tor.
19 Drink dodgy foreign water, daughter.
20. Impale thyself on a meat hook, ye crook.
21. Take a midnight stroll with Jack The Ripper, Gipper.
22. Sign your organ donor card, M'Lord.
[i'm finished now!]
23. Try to avoid hepatitis, Titus.
24. Stay off the Vitamin A, Kay.
25. Sell it on Ebay, Jay.
Take to many headache pills, Will's
Have a meal with Hannibal Lecter, Hector!
28 - Turn your back on Jeffrey Dahmer, Homer.
29 - Catch the Whooping Cough, Dolph!
30 - Ship it to the wrong address, Bess!
Don't date Lector, Hector.
above = 31
32. - Kiss someone with halitosis, Miss Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
33 Feed it to the cat, Matt
Eat it with Phal, darl. or should that be Dahl?
35 Cover it with too much gravy or veg, Reg.
36.If you don't already know, then I ain't telling you, Lou.
37 Leave it on the Bus, Gus
38 Have it gently fried, Clyde
Let it fill with pus, Russ
40 - Attempt the forbidden [Pole Vaulting Position], #1069 in The Daredevil's Guide To Kama Sutra, Lutra.
Have it as a kebab, Rab!
Sign up as a donor, Mona.
Forty one is a prime number, so that was
42!
Drink a drum of rum, son
Have dodgy LFT's, louise
Have Jaundice, Morris!
45 - Sell it to the highest bidder, Kidder [OOPS!].
46 - Your ailing Uncle is a boss in the Mob, Bob.
47 - Taint your ale with a flesh-eating bacillus, Phyllis.
48. Go into labour, neighbour Which we are, but we're nearly there! Come on, PUSH!
49 - Let your husband perform the cesarian, Marion. [Won't be long now!]
50. Don't inhale the vapours of solvents containing chlorine, Doreen. Nnnnngh, Dunnit, Aaaaaah!
I'm in an odd mood today. Let's try 50 Ways to Achieve World Domination
1.Buy it on Ebay. Jay
2. Play Risk, Mr. Fisk.
Change your name to Mac Donald, Ronald!
Own Coca-cola, Lola
Set the Microsoft franchise rates, Mr Gates
6Buy yourself a gun, Hon
7. Start by invading Iraq, Mac
Invasion from Mars, Lars
9. Invade both North and South America, Erica.
10. Pull doors marked push, Bush.
Explode a 40 megaton nuclear bomb, Ron
12. Build lots of Fighting Ships and rule the mighty main, Jane.
Spread Anthrax as a gas, Lass!
14. - Plight your troth to the Devil, Neville.
15. Just act meek and inherit... Jared?
16. - Transmogrify theeself into a doomsday virus, Iris.
17. - Recruit vast armies from the planets Earth and Jupiter, and conquer the whole d#mn galaxy, Alexi.
18. txt all the bro',Mo.
19. Subjugate all men, starting with Sven, hen
20. Start with a coup d'etat, Matt.
21. Give Tony Blair a cow, Pat.
22. - You'll be needing a time machine, Gene.
Kill people 'til you're the only one left, Seth
- 24. Engage the help of a yeti, Betty (sorry to come in from nowhere; found the site randomly and it looked cool ^_^)
25. - T'is simple in theory really, but first you must become a fire ant, Grant.
26. Just watch and wait, Tate.
27. Do it in a hurry, Murray.
28. - Become the Grand Mogul of all cockroaches, Sanchez.
29. Own the world wide web, Deb
30. Consult those barely legible scribbled notes we stole from Margaret Thatcher's handbag when we met her, Henrietta.
Put your mind control drugs in all tubs of Sainsbury’s strawberry yoghurt, Robert [and the rhubarb ones too Lu]
32. First take the Moon, June.
33. Stay up all night, Dwight.
Rebuild the 3rd Reich, Mike!!!
35. Learn from the mistakes of Napoleon's winter campaign, Jane.
36. Start with a hill, Phil.
Buy a very big battle tank, Hank
Invest in a squadron of B52's, Lou
39. - Withdraw from reality and create a subserviant world of your own, Stone.
40. Just have enough money, Bunny.
41. - Declare yourself Genghis, Khan.
42. - Make a new plan, Stan!
43. Annex the Sahara, Tamara.
44. Rule the Gobi, Toby. Thanks for the idea, Wol:-)
45 - Tour the Kalahari, Charlie (on a roll now)
46. Pick up the world and carry it, Harriet
47 Hold cities to ransom a lot, Scott
48 Make the world sick, Nick.
49. Pretend you're George W. Bush, mush. Not absolutely strictly following the rules.
50 Just go buy a globe, Job.
How about... 50 Ways to win an Olympic Gold Medal?

1. Do a good javelin throw, Jo.
2. Slide that curling stone, Joan.
3. Shoot and ski, Lee.
4. Place a quiet backhander, Amanda. Well, it all seemed too idealistic and it really couldn't last!
6. Take a banned substance, Lance
Go to Greece, Reece
Run fast in the mile,Kyle. (bugger metric!!)
9. Show them how to hurdle, Flerdle
10. Fly high on that pole vault, Walt.
Just bloomin well cheat, Pete
12. - Show the judges your best high dive, Clive.
13. Arrange to get your rival's kneecaps broken by a masked man, Stan
14. Go faster, higher, stronger, Mr. Olonga.
15. Be the high bidder on ebay, Jay.
15. Enter a very expensive tombola, ROmola.
Use a powered sled, Ted.
17. Campaign for apathy to be a new Olympic sport, Cort.
18. Run like the wind, Min.
19. Enhance the muscularity of your gluteus, Maximus.
Beat the rest, Celest
21. Complete your patented combination triple lutz double loop followed closely by two triple axels and one flawless quadruple salchow, Ming Lao.
Jump the hurdles quick, Mick!
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