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Good News / Bad News
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Right, another chance to alternately build our spirits up and then disappoint them. I can't be bothered to change the winning move so it's still Mornington Crescent.
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Good News
A quick bit of thinking and fast-talking allows you to dump the stock and make a tidy profit.
Bad News
At least it would, but being a football player means you are incapable of thinking or talking at anything like a high speed.
News (Good)
You employ people to do your quick thinking for you
Bad News
They think quickly enough to empty your bank account and disappear before you notice anything has happened.
Good News
You sell your story for a lot of money
Bad News
You are immediately sued for libel by almost everyone you mention.
Good News
Being a thick sporty type, you got all their names slightly wrong, and they have no case.
Bad News
Just when you think you are not going to do time, your nicked for steroid abuse at a local beauty pagent.
Good News
With one sweep of your steroid-enhanced shoulders you fell your captors and are free.
Bad News
Unbalanced on your stilleto heels, your boxer shorts are grabbed from behind.
Good News
You instinctively kick backwards, driving your stilleto into one of your captor's ohmygods.
Bad News
You can't pull the stiletto out again.
Good News
Thinking quickly (for you), you free your foot, leaving the shoe dangling behind.
Bad News
A Cinderella-style manhunt has now begun.
Good News
Thinking quickly, you cut off both your feet. (Has it been mentioned before how thick you are? Oh yes, good)
Bad News
You lose nearly 5 pints of blood from the leg wounds and get blood all over your white satin boxer shorts!!
Good News
Red is the new white.
Bad News
Due to an almost total lack of blood, you are now an unfashionable white.
Good News
"Pale and interesting" was at one time a discreet expression of sexual interest.
Bad News
every one you know is red/white colourblind and ignores you!
Good News
Capable of near invisibilty, you perpetrate a series of daring crimes.
Bad News
They're crimes against fashion, and you are widely mocked once they are discovered.
Good News
Your bad taste brings you fame and fortune in the great fashion magazines of the world!
Bad News
Because of that, everyone thinks that you are Victoria Beckham.
Good News
ITV want you in there next Celebrity reality show.
Bad News
You've agreed to do it
Good News
It could be fatal
Bad News
As you are still invisible, no one can see you to vote you out. You are trapped in a jungle with 2 Ant/Decs forever!
Good News
The two Ant's take a shine to you and smuggle in six pack of beer.
Bad News
Low alcohol beer
Good News
It is Belgian, so "Low Alcohol" actually means 5.5%
Bad News
I can't think of any possible reason why the last entry could be in any way, shape or form, bad news.
Good News
I can
Bad News
The next post will takeus back to the tenuously constructed story.
Good News
The sheer tenuousness of the story means that we've forgotten it, and we can now place ourselves wherever we like - say, as president of the United States.
Bad News
If so, you'll have your arse licked by Tony Blair.
Good News
Of the 640 coalition deaths in Iraq only 545 are Americans.
Bad News
95 of them weren't
Good News
The 95 that weren't were *caused* by Americans
Bad News
That *was* the Bad News
Good News
'Good News' and 'Bad News' are now indistinguishable, meaning that newsreaders need no longer practise 'good news' and 'bad news' facial expressions and the ban on botox treatments and collagen lip-implants for newsreaders is lifted.
Bad News
Everything that newsreaders say is still utter guff.
Good News
To gain more viewers the news is to be made more entertaining.
Bad News
Regrettably there turns out to be a greater number of wars than rescued kittens.
Good news
A lot of the kittens rescued are from war torn areas!
Bad News
Those kittens are all cleverly disguised bombs
Good News
Kittens can be deployed in 45 minutes and are considered as WMD. (They are in my house anyway).
Bad News
Hans Blix can't find his kitten.
Good News
But the rumour is that he has a Tiger in his tank (pun intended!)
Bad News
It's a real tiger
Good News
But it's tanked on watermelon-flavoured alco-pops, and can only manage a rumbling 'hic-purrrrrrrrr-hic-purrrrrrrr' as it staggers about.
Bad News
This is no good for running Hans' car.
Good News
It is listed as a driver on his insurance
Bad News
He'll probably be losing his no claims bonus.
Good News
No one has ever stopped his tank to ask for proof of insurance
Bad News
Parked on double yellow lines its just been clamped.
Good News
He's reached the age when it's good to take things a little slowly.
Bad News
He's chosen not to
Good News
He intends to succeed Michael Schumacher as Formula One World Champion when he retires.
Bad News
Michael Schumacher is not going to retire
Good News
This is because he's being cloned, thus bring into the world a race of chaffeurs.
bad news
chaffeurs are like pigs in Beverly Hills, your mother is a sow farmer in Mexico and you forgot to make porridge for your daughter
Good News
That made perfect sense
Bad News
Ce qui chaffe est un chaffeur.
Good News
Your French knowledge is practically zero, so there's no bad news.
Bad News
The french
Good News
It's only a matter of time before the Americans notice them.
Bad News
The Americans aren't the most efficient and they'll probably take out Briain on the way in.
Good News
They've only taken out the T but then they have a history of that.
Bad News
They're going after Brian next.
Good News
Brian is probably marginally safer than he would be if he were fighting on the Americans' side. Oooh! controversial political satire!
Bad News
Not if Mel Gibson has anything to do with it.
Good News
At least a decent British actor will play the baddie.
Bad News
British actors *always* play the baddie.
Good News
The baddie is the best role by far!
Bad News
Every decent British actor who has ever been cast as a baddie has emigrated.
Good News
There's always Brian Blessed...
Bad News
There will always be Brian Blessed!
Good News
He's about to emigrate.
Bad News
...taking you with him.
Good News
First class all the way
Bad News
You are flying by Bashkirian Airlines
Good News
Their first class is quite good, actually.
Bad News
You're only saying that to be polite to them.
Good News
They dont understand a word of what you've been saying.
Bad News
The captain also doesn't understand a word Air Traffic Control have been saying.
Good News
The captain does understand the letters and numbers, which is enough for him to avoid crashing into any other aircraft.
Bad News
...but not sand dunes isolated in the middle of the Saharan Desert.
Good News
But he's so lost he couldn't even find the Sahara
Bad News
He's found Birmingham city centre.
Good News
So has the SAS! They're here to arrest the air crew and Brian Blessed on terrorism charges!
Bad News
You're going with them, and because you've been designated an enemy combatant you won't have access to a lawyer, the right to trial, or even knowledge of what you are accused of while you languish in prison for an unspecified number of years.
Good News
They have a draughts set in the prison, and your are a world champion draughts (checkers)player!
Bad News
No one will play against you
Good News
It's a singles draughts championship
Bad News
None of the women going to this singles championship want a date with you.
Good News
One of the men does
Bad News
He's too butch. (Did I say that out loud? Hide me!)
Good News
You beat him at draughts, softening him up.
Bad News
He wants to play a new game involving a cucumber, axle grease and a tin of Spam!
Good News
You have the option of saying "no."
Bad News
Caryl Chessman will be the adjudicator.
Good News
They get on so well they decide to play the game together instead, and you can leave them to it.
Bad News
You've got nothing else to do all day now no-one'll play you at draughts, so you end up watching.
Good News
The Governor, a well known Manchester City supporter has decided to throw a party for all the inmates.
Bad News
Most of them support Man U, as might be expected.
Good News
That means you're the governor's favourite.
Bad News
Being the Gov's favourite means that you will get beaten up every day in the toilet block and only get the burnt bits in the dining hall.
Good News
You actually quite like the burnt bits.
Bad Nose
Zat iz all ou are gettong, frome noo oon!
Good News
At least you don't support Ipswich Town. Not a common affliction, but a painful one
Bad News
You support Wimbledon. A very uncommon affliction indeed. Actually I support Chelsea and have done so for 48 years. Never taken themselves too seriously, I'm glad to say; winning something would be rather vulgar, I feel. :-)
Good News
But at least they've moved to Milton Keynes so there is no way you will accidentally wander into the ground on match days. C'mon U R's - Super Hoops!
Bad News
Owing to the limited space in Milton Keynes, Wimbledon is going to merge with the Open University.
Good News
The chanting from the stands is now grammatically correct
Bad News
It's not quite so catchy.
Good News
Simon Cowell wants to record the team song.
Bad News
He wants to play it to us later.
Good News
The Mute button's working OK. (Snodders) Only been once to Loftus Rd, and saw them beaten 6-3 at home by Reading. All I can remember is that it was a warm midweek night and research shows it was 21st Aug 1961.
Bad News
But the window is open and the sound will get through anyway. [Rosie] Mmmm It may have changed a bit since 1961. Heavens we all have! It obviously had a profound effect on you though - to remember it so vividly. If you go again before neat April you will still qualify as a regular though. I get to more away games - living in Leicester (Dont ask).
Good News
It's actually quite good.
Bad News
There is such a thing as damning with faint praise.
Good News
You've gone deaf and can't hear it
Bad News
The angry mob outside your door can.
Good News
Your door is a vortex leading to a magical world of tiny shrimps made from candy and all the women look like Kylie...
Bad News
Kylie is very overrated.
Good News
Not by many people here, I would imagine, or at least hope.
Bad News
Kylies bum wants a trial seperation and a cut of the profits!
Good News
Gordon Brown has not raised the duty on Kylie related products.
Bad News
There is an danger of a KY reference entering the conversation. Slippery customers these Politicians - I should know.
Good News
I think Kirsty Young is a bit of all right. (Snodders) You're not a . . . .? ?
Bad News
She's probably spoken for! [Rosie] I wasn't last time I looked....!!
Good News
She requires so much speaking for, she employs people to deliver her after dinner speeches. [Snodgrass] There's no need to be ashamed you know...;P
Bad News
The next tme she looks, she discovers she is a politican!
Good News
It's not compulsory to vote for her.
Bad News
It's not compulsory to vote. Ooh, controversial.
Good News
Most voters are stupid anyway, so the fewer of them vote the better. Upping the controversy ante...
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