...the Turin Shroud, which gave me a turn, I can tell you! I was about to...

..move on when I realized that in fact the face was that of David Blunkett. That gave me even more of a turn and I was about to leg it when a door opened and....

...a long, hairy arm was extended. As I watched in horror, it grabbed my...

bag of plums. I wouldn't have cared much but for the fact that...

...the bag also contained a pound of Semtex. I was planning to use it for...

..re-designing my rockery back at home. Have you ever considered gardening as a hobby? It is a really...

..good way of annoying the neighbours in the flat downstairs. Next to the water feature I have just planted...

...some Semtex, as a test before doing the rockery. I've also...

...constructed a machine gun emplacement beneath the boughs of my damson tree. It's a highly useful feature to have since...

..the aliens keep treading on my Sweet williams and making a total mess of my....

..simulation of the World War I trenches from Flanders. I like poppies, don't you? The look so lively and bright with their pretty red faces bobbing above the..

...horrifically mangled corpses of young men. Fine, strong young men, called to do their duty. Fine gardeners all! But no good as bomb disposal experts. Oh well! That reminds me, one of them was called Jimmy and his last words to me were...

...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH...