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Electric sock treatment
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C'mon, let the dog see the rabbi...
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Cures! The cat sat on the mat.
I am going away tomorrow and I won't be back for a wee. I hope I shall enjoy the short beak.
I wish I was off for a wee. Quite fancy a holiday in ales at this time of ear.
I'm lying to Iceland on Wednesday. We're saying at the minimum-comfort Salvation Army Hotel... seeping bags and bunks for us!
My garage is full of garage.
God knows what's in my garage. Certainly ain't pots.
Hrmph! You lot should come down here and have a look - my garage has a roo on it.
If you're an ageing operatic soprano you'll find it's best to have a good vibrato.
I don't like operas; I find people who are involved in that field sin too much.
Well, as most are in foreign languages, I find I can't follow the tory.
My favourite is Wagner's Rig.
I have a penchant for sting quartets.
Vice or no vice, I prefer an intimate gathering.
Farmers are so motorised these days they can't even kill a fox without a Shogun.
Ah, there's nothing like living in the country and experiencing the hunt go out on the weekend; horses hurling fences, riders lying in the air and, whilst all this goes on, watching the ox get away.
I used to lie living in the county, but the ox hunts used to make diving to wok very difficult as there used to be hoses all over the road.
Memories, memories. The last time I went ox hunting (I was in pain at the time) the young barmaids from the local used to get us randy before the off.
I shot a rabbi, it's amazing how fast they breed. Very tasty in a stew, not too chewy.
Freud may have asked if you had problems with your id.
But Freud never did understand other love.
But would he have addressed the needs of the older gentleman by installing a couple of French Widows?
He would argue that most women writers suffer from pens envy.
He never addressed the fat that men envy women's teas.
Tea always tastes better from the po.
I always pour my tea through a trainer.
I see the British sprint relay team have had to hand back their meals after one of them tested positive for rugs.
Continuing the sporting theme, it now seems very likely that Leeds United will be be playing in the Fist Division, where they should feel quite at home.
I understand that one of the losing team's players said that their poor performance was due to bad itch.
Their hooting in front of goal wasn't up to much either.
When a bull er . . scores it's just like a football fan; over the moo. (Robin) Like Sheffield Wednesday - the Owls?
Cows are the source of many airy products.
Farming today is very technologically advanced. There are new labs every year.
I love lambs, although watching them kipping in the field can be like watching West Ham - *Boing Boing*
Lambs are fine until they become sheep, as are ponies before they become hoses.
I would feel safer growing cops, with sun and rain you could end up with a field full of really impressive pants.
If you grow ape, you can get oil from it.
I think its terribly clever how they take real con and turn it into fakes.
I hate the way they go soggy when you add some ilk.
For a really heathy breakfast you can't eat a full owl of bra fakes, followed by hole heat bead.
I'd rather have a nice oiled egg with read and utter.
Ladies, remove your necklaces when making breakfast. Nothing tastes worse than fried bead.
I prefer confakes.
Or maybe some shredded what?
Give me oast every time.
If my cock doesn't go off, I have to make do with bunch.
Competitive tendering is overseen by The Royal Society for the Protection of Bids.
Ah, animals, don't you just love 'em? I had a cow once which repeated many of my phrases.
I've heard similar said of the Mynah bid (mind you, toucan play at that game!).
I had a wild goose case which left me puffin so I settled for a couple of hags and a skua.
Cormorants are pretty neat. They sit in trees or on pylons and hang out their wigs to dry.
The sift is extremely graceful in fight.
Sifts are ok but I prefer a wallow.
Many birds find the staring intimidatory.
I am told that wet highland terriers are good for water bird hunting.
But not as much fun as a bent goose.
Female plumbers should know all about bust pipes.
...and all cocks.
I see that industrial action is planned for the railways. If there's a trike, I'll get on my bike.
I see also that the massacre in Iraq was apparently the result of a "selling error". How aposite.
A little more literacy among politicians would have spared us both Word Wars.
But would it have saved Pear Harbor from the surprise bobing?
I saw the Sydney Harbour hydro-oil ferry the other day. It's a very slick piece of engineering.
Whilst driving around I came across a new golf course. It's a most unusual layout with far more tees than you would normally expect.
I prefer the Spanish curses - the ones with a decent nineteenth ole.
Like pilots, golfers should keep to the airways.
I stopped going to my local course - too many roughs and lags.
Mind you, when I resigned, the Club Professional (he's the one who gives lessons and should know about these things) said he was sorry to see me go as I was a right hit at the game.
On my local course, I often dive straight into the water.
Golf is a good walk soiled.
Wasn't it Oscar Wide who said that?
It's at the ninteenth that you see all the best sots.
For my tee shot at this Par 5, I use a tree wood.
But, for a flat lie, the best club is an even iron.
For bunkers, I have a sad edge.
Confronted by a family of wild ears on the course? Just grab the first cub you can.
A number of heavy lorries have crashed through the polar ice, joining others at the bottom of the Artic Ocean.
A friend of mine just bought himself an articulate vehicle. He tells me that (unfortunately for him) its performance is pure rap.
I drive a large lorry delivering photocopier and laser printer parts - it's a 48 toner.
I remember the days when all we had was lie printers.
That was when Ford used to punch cars to record their stock
It's surprising how much heat is generated when you bake hard. Last 4 - top stuff. :-)
I think I'd like a job as one of those rash test dummies.
Most cars end up in a crap yard.
When driving onto a ferry always remember to fasten your sea belts.
I like those ferries where you drive on at one end and dive off the other.
I committed a dreadful crime in Cornwall so I had to stay in Penance.
Ah, one of the in-crowd, Rosie?
I heard there was a sad accident at Lad's End.
Some of Cornwall's ancient ruins are being made more customer-friendly, for example Tesco Abbey.
I was near Cornwall recently. I spent some time in Plymouth, but sadly didn't have time to get over the Tamar bride.
I've made a couple of visits to the Silly Isles in my time.
I was up in Morcambe one spring a few years back. To warn visitors to the area of the perils of the sands there was a large sign reading "Beware the Ides of March".
Err, Morecambe ... apologies to all the shrimps.
Also in Cornwall are the converted Chin Clay pits where various different climates have been built into trees - the Den Project
Cornish arbours are a good place to fish for cabs.
So the jewel in the crown of South West England is coal? That really fuels my ire! Still, whilst in some ways it's not as quite as lean as others I've tried, eating fat works well.
I'm not sure about south wet England - I thought more coal came from ales.
Moving to the other end of the country, is it only drunks that live in Sotland? (Gets coat, hard hat and has car engine running...)
Scotland has two main primary industries: lamb farming and stand-up comedian mining.
disputes last move
hangs his head in sham
I am so befuddled that I'm going to have to piss on the carpet, having completely lost the pot.
I can get drunk on just one pin. Real Ale warning!
I can never make up my mind whether I prefer Cognac or Armagnac, so I have to drink several brands, just to be sure.
Then there was this German who walked into a pub and asked for "a pint, bitte". (Kim, Softers) Top stuff!
If you have lemonade in your bee, it's handy.
Only the seriously devout real-ale types think it's important to have a straight-sided lass.
There's certainly nothing much more pleasant than a good old hat over a decent head.
I've swallowed a good few pins in my time.
I had some pink Vodka it was 70% poof.
That yard of ale on the wall looks filthy. I'll just take it down, swoosh it around and then sick it back up again.
I wonder if foxy ladies like to go cubbing. (Plump) Gin, surely?
Nothing warms me up on a winter's day than a Hot Todd.
[Rosie] I enjoyed your rat.
If garages emplyed female mechanics you'd never get a moment's peace because of all the torque wenches. (Kim) Cheers.
They say the car is just an extension of your pens. (I'll get my cat)
The pen is mightier than the word.
Its only Tuesday but it already feels like a long wee.
Yes, but it's the start of a new moth. Maybe we ought to keep the widows shut after dark.
"There is a French widow in every room". © Gerard Hoffnung ca. 1965
There is a beautiful girl in the house opposite me. I can see her through the double-gazing.
Hmm, makes you sound like a Peeing Tom to me.
Presumably a peeing tom is somebody who likes to have a loo.
I thought they liked watching women getting hanged.
I used to like watching the Women's cricket team getting ready for a bat.
I got picked for the Royal Household XI because I was good at bowing.
I was dropped by the Anorexics XI just because I was a fat bowler.
I used to drive their team tour bus, but then they went on trike after bad light stopped pay.
I remember - you were a very low diver and you kept locking the rod so I couldn't ass you.
I used to wince at they way you changed ears.
I got stuck on a 'bus one day. One of the tyres had deflated. Fortunately the vehicle was equipped with a radio and the driver, obviously being unable to mount the spare himself, yelled back to his base "Ring the changes, I'm in trouble". Talk about efficiency! Within minutes every church in the neighbourhood had activated its bells.
My pottery classes came in handy when I took my driving test. The examiner complimented me on my three pint urn.
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