I've got one, and it isn't Linux-compatible. A simple reason - it's a sandwich (from TS Safebury's new gourmet 'Too good for the likes of you' range). The anti-static bag is intended to stop the finely chopped Patagonian onion tops from tainting the bread - which is rolled flat on the firm thighs of Cuban virgins. Seeing as the bread reeks of either tobacco (if the virgin in question is one of the three remaining female such to be found on the island, and therefore moonlighting from her job in the cigar factory) or sweat and pheromones (if it's the one, very lonely and self-obsessed male soul on the island who fits that description - he's the one hosting a rather-too-detailed website on the history and intricacies of the Havana underground, which hasn't been built yet) the task of stopping the finely chopped Patagonian onion tops from tainting it is a tad on the pointless side. The bag does, however, serve to ensure that the baby kangaroo which forms the main sanwich filling is actually dead (a known flaw with cardboard wrappings such as those used by Pret a Manger).

My neighbour has just had a small consignment of Farbulex granules delivered. Should I move?

d (it just fell out onto my desk)

It depends on whether they are the A-class or B-class. If they are the more dangerous A-Class Farbulex Granules, then I should seriously consider moving at least as far as South Africa. The US Government has long suspected that Sadaam Hussain had such weapons, and now it would appear that they have been found, and that your neighbour is in fact harbouring them. I would advise you to inform the police of your discovery immediately, for the good of all mankind.

If they are the less harmful B-Class Farbulex Granules, then your only worry is to make sure you rinse the sink out well after you have used them to clean your carpets.

One product that puzzles me slightly that I noticed the other day is the Ribo-Oxyaerator 250B of which I saw a demonstration not so long ago. Unfortunately, the wife was with me, and she saw a particularly wonderful pair of shoes at the same time, and alas, I was whisked away before I could see what it actually did. Has anyone seen one in operation?

This is a device for making Ribena wine. Just fill the device with Ribena, add yeast, and switch on the oxy-aerator. Be careful not to leave it going too long, or you get blackcurrant paint stripper instead.

My geek neighbour casually mentioned, in a manner clearly intended to impress, that he was looking forward to getting a Titan ZXQ-9950i with 802.11w, Blacktooth, and Terahax. What do I need to keep up?

All you need to do is wait till next week when the Titan ZXQ-9951i will be out. This also has Blackteeth, but comes with double quantities of Terahax and the frightening ability to release clouds of xenon while it plays the theme tune from the Flintstones, in colour. It is, however, only available in beige. I had intended to purchase, online, a brand new Cordilex Rippling Condenser, but am worried that if it does not come in a plain brown wrapper, the postman will find out. What would you advise?

The latest Rippling Condenser is its largest one yet managing to exceed the 3 week capacity of the earlier one by a hundred times. The time reservoir needed is much to large for home use as each day takes up as much space as a small car. The Condenser compresses the fluctuations of the space time fabric into a pair of leaps so that you either go forward and then back or vice versa. The inventor was killed after travelling just beyond his life span. The betting industry have just bought the first 20 And the stock market has banned them just after Ladbrooks said they would. ITN have just launched their own next years news service which will be a great hit next March 15th they say.

After all the hype of the Antipanty extrafine is it worth the wait?

Well, I wasn't sure about the results but my boyfriend is apparently finding it a great boon. According to him, though, you really need the remote control version to get the best results. His friends had to take theirs back because there was some general fault with the XLS-tic unit but they got the updated version free from the manufacturers as a courtesy. It's meant to be up to three times more efficient now, and now they make it in chrome it's half the price. There has been a ban on it in Clapham Common recently, though, as the wrappers being left around were starting to clog the drains. Speaking of which, have you found the Pedicabator T1000 Stovold (Newt version) any use in this area? I can't even get the batteries in mine, am I doing something wrong?