Your attempts to find someone to talk to will, as ever, be in vain. Perhaps they just don't like you.

Today will be a good day for virtually anything - as it always is in Iraq. It will be especially good for laughing at American infidel dogs retreating towards the border before the might of our advancing armies. Despite a darkening of the skies and a complete absence of water or electricity, there is no need to be downhearted. Wisdom suggests moving certain items from underground bunker 72 to underground bunker 133. Do not worry - you can always move them back again later. After all - they do not really exist. Lucky political allegiance: Ba'ath Party. If you are feeling particularly adventurous, try tying down the moons of Jupiter for the further glory of Saddam Hussein.

You will feel hungry at some point in the day and this may be accompanied by thirst for liquid refreshment. Around midnight you will feel sleepy. You may see a cat. Beware of fast moving vehicles, especially when you are on foot. There will be darkness.

There will be no hurricanes today.

The values of shares can go up as well as down. A loan secured on your property will put it at risk should you default. There are other listings magazines. Remember - children and small animals can choke on nuts. Plastic bags are not to be worn. Batteries are not included.

You are the most sought-after station on the Underground, but although many are called, few are chosen to penetrate your mystery. Concealed behind cross-striles, hidden by half-blonks, bypassed by baulking, all who hear of you are driven to take up the quest, yet at once find themselves farther away than when they started. Only on Saturday 28, will a few of the elect reach their goal.

You will erm.. and then er... but maybe not.