You're about to hit a sticky patch, but don't let it give you the pip. No matter how heated the situation, don't let it make you boil over or there'll be a real mess on the stove top. Things will soon settle down. Just remember to keep the lid on your emotions, otherwise you'll find a layer of mould when you next come to stick your finger in the jar. Congestion will ease.

Y-O-U-R--R-U-S-T--H-E-A-P--O-F--A--C-A-R-S--S-E-R-V-I-C-E-- A-N-D--M-O-T--A-R-E--D-U-E--T-O-D-A-Y--I-T-W-I-L-L-F-A-I-L--T-H-E--M-O-T--T-H-E--B-I-L-L --T-O-C-A-R-R-Y--O-U-T--T-H-E--R-E-P-A-I-R-S--W-I-L-L --B-E--F-O-R--F-I-V----- S-T-O-Q-P--P-U-L-K-L-I-N-G--T-G-H-E--P-P-O-I-N-S-T-E-R

This week your output will be distinctive, spread, as ever across eight national digital TV services and eleven radio networks. For more specific predictions, see here

An inauspicious date at the best of times, today it is compounded by Saturn ascending and the Black Cat Convention that is currently visiting town. Consequently, all the sorrows you have ever known are as nothing to the woes that await you if you leave the house. I recommend barricading yourself in the bedroom and quaking in terror under the covers until dawn tomorrow. It's not guaranteed to save you, but trust me: anything else will be much, much worse.

You will find yourself appointed Lord Chancellor. Or possibly not. You will not take on the job of Speaker in the House of Lords, or possibly you will for a bit. You will also be responsible for the Scotland Office and the Welsh Office, which will also be abolished, except they won't, and you won't be responsible for them. Well, you might manage their old staff. You won't be head of the judiciary either. Well, OK, you could be.

You will start from Pembroke Dock punctually and call at all stations to Narberth punctually. Proceeding at a slow pace, you will then stop for no particular reason in the bit of countyside between Llannelli and Swansea. The train conductor will cite 'Operational Difficulties'. There will be a cow on the line near Baglan which will take much shooing from a signalman before the train is allowed to proceed. The buffet will run out of sandwiches just prior to Brigend, will close at Newport and will not reopen until Yatton having been restocked at Bristol Temple Meads. Someone will get their luggage stuck in the doors at Weston Super Mare. Your lucky platform number is three.

Today you will be indecisive. Don't rush around, just take it easy but do cut corners. Stick to the middle of the road and ignore other people. You will give off confusing signals to others but don't worry about that. You may see some signs on your travels, but they don't apply to you. Lucky gear, second.

You will spend much of today hanging around in a playpen, wearing a nappy. Eating, sleeping, excreting, belching and manually and orally investigating stuff around you figure large in your chart. A particularly good day for dribbling.

Whilst in general you tend to the vegetarian side of living, because of your size/tendencies/general demeanour you can unwittingly turn underlings into mincemeat. Watch out for the solstice as this is when you stretch things to the ultimate. Advice: keep your head down and don't put your neck on the block.

Today sees you with a chance to exert your influence in the office. With large files in the ascendcy due to important report writing and space on the server diminishing be ready for network problems and loss of data by users. ‘P’ could be very useful in showing your worth over that computer. Relationships with your top will become strained due to over indulgence in playing hide and seek. Awareness of your surroudings is urged late in the afternoon when large quantites of paper appear on the on the desk. The absence of your top over a sustained period of time will make your ball point dry up and work intermittently. Be prepared for a short journey to the under desk bin, the top will follow after the apple core and banana skin.

Travel figures largely in your stars today but avoid vessels called Titanic. You will not grow much larger than a king-size snickers but dont let this put you off becoming a talentless millionaire.