| 15 | I've come to watch pornography Quis condat legitime statuta in civitate |
| Carpe Diem |
| Continuing 4 | Curly Bevan: It was me who watched Nogood Boyo and Miss Price in Watkins' barn, auntie, and I pawned the ormolu clock before I set sail that night... |
| 16 | [Enter Prince Charming, limping slightly]- Prince Charming: Tarnation an' Lawks a-mercy!
- Graziela: Why hi baby *flutters eyes, straightens dress* I never seen ya walk that ways befower
- Belle: Who in lan'sakes is this, Sister Woman? Ma Prince is down thayer on the dirt track yonder!
- Graziela: Oh honey, I jes' wanna bring up a bunch o'kids an' settle down on a great big hacienda ranch...
- Prince Charming: Weell, I c'n jes' about manage that, 'cept fer the kids...
- Sebastian: [rushes up brandishing shotgun] Hell, you gonna hev too, boy! Thayer's gonna be a shotgun weddin' goin' down this morra!
- Prince Charming: I ain't marrying no hell cotton-pickin' two-bit lame-horse whisky-chewin sack o'dirt like thayat! Hot dayamn!
- Sebastian: What! A'right then. We gotta nother gennleman caller here anyways. How'd ya lak' t' marry m'daughter son?
- Azulejo: Holy smokes!
- Belle: Boy howdy! This is grody to the max!
- Azulejo: Ah'm not shure abouwut thiyus. Can you handle my five-year drinkin' problem an' ma poker nights with ma buddies till 3am ever' night?
- Belle: Oh lover mine! This is heaven-sent! Let's all move to a squat in Louisiana too!!
- Prince Charming: Yeah!
|
| Tennessee Williams |
| The bits of 2 that aren't anything else | Gwennie: Boys boys boys, kiss Gwennie where she says, or give me a penny. Prince Charming can kiss me under the dragon at the hacienda. Unless he's a cowardy custard. And if he hasn't got a penny I'll have his bollocks for a pincushion |
| 17 | - Mark Lawson: A lost masterpiece of the Anacreontic ode begins "The thirsty earth soaks up the rain, and drinks and gapes for drink again." The immortal Grecian could just as well have been listening to the previous rendition of "Row, paddle, scull your boat", performed there by the inestimable Charlie Mouse. Bonnie Greer, I assume you were captivated by the rhythmic devices evinced therein?
- Bonnie Greer: Well, y'know th'frrst thng Ah have t'say is, hell, A'm n't a prrt uv this Engl'sh TV thing, y'know, an' Ah hadn't hrrd uv the Mouse Organ p'rrformers before this so um, c'mparing it w'th Germaine's own rendition uv All That Jazz, hell all I can say is...
- Mark Lawson: I'm sorry, we had to leave Bonnie's sentence there as I just want a quick reply from Mark Kermode at this point, Mark?
- Mark Kermode: Yeah, there are two reasons why the piece doesn't quite work as it stands, one is that the mice should have looked where they were going and avoided the slippery patch, and the other is the unconstrained use of CGI animation which quite clearly wouldn't have fooled a five-year-old. That the makers spent almost $100million on the special effects alone is something I find virtually incredible
- Bonnie Greer: But Mrrk, y're ignrring th'fact th'mice wrre rowing b'ckw'rds into th'kitchen 'n' c'dn't've seen wh're th're going
- Mark Kermode: The whole thing was a pile of pants and you know it
- Mark Lawson: I'd like to bring in Tom Paulin at this point, but he's just escorted Germaine into the green room, so we'll move on to Mariella Frostrup
- Mariella Frostrup: Raargh raargh raargh raargh raargh raargh raargh raargh raargh...
- Mark Lawson: Well, general consensus from our panel there, it seems the Stilton cheese will run for ever. Kirsty will be back in a while, so let's move on to Topless Mud-Wrestling in Calcutta...
|
| Late (very late) Review of Just a Minim |
| refurcation of 5 and, er, 5 | Polly Garter: I loved a man whose name was Mark / His hair was slick and his clothes were dark / Two yards long, like a bee he kissed / And his favourite film was The Exorcist / He argued loud and he had no fear / Of scary Germaine or Bonnie Greer / But the one I loved best awake or asleep / Was little Tom Paulin and he's six feet deep |
| 18 | |
| Congreve |
| Being an offshoot of the Williams | Lily Smalls: Where'd you get those bollocks Lily? Got em from Prince Charming, silly! Got em from a hairy beary, super strong and very scary. Give em to my two white mice. Paint spots on em to use as dice. Squeeze em till I hear em yell. Then give em back to southern Belle |
| 19 | North Greenwich |
| Two Bakers |
| The straightforward advance of 6 | Mog Edwards: Miss Price, I love you more than all the stars visible from the North Greenwich observatory as I've been told. More than flanelette and calico, candlewick, crash and merino. I'll take you to London I love you so much, and the tills of Harrods shall ring for our wedding |
| 20 | - Bert: The fly is a metaphor. [Fly buzzes back in; Bert whacks it with a shoe] I am that fly. Could make a short story out of that
- Graziela: You know, I could just do with a flame-grilled Pot Noodle at this point. Which is a metaphor for how useless and pathetic my existence has become. I'm in mourning for my life
- Boleti: You wouldn't prefer a pack of Old Werther's Originals at all?
- Bert: We must stop moaning and be practical. We need more wood to rebuild the house. A Jewson RSJ would be useful, or some steel bars
- Graziela: How about Barrs Irn Bru Made in Scotland from Girders? That's the thing we need
- Boleti: And metaphorically represents the iron fist of the Bolshevik revolution pervading this land. Ah, what I wouldn't give for a Heinemann Edition 1863 Das Kapital. *sighs*
- Enter Chanterelle, Cep and Morel, on a wagon
- Chanterelle: Oyez! Oyez! Who wants an old Hewlett Packard DeskJet!
- Cep: And a vast quantity of Scotts Porage Oats at that? We've fallen on such hard times, what with our brother's catachretic gambling habit and the movements of the Army
- Morel: Yes, got tired cleaning up after them. You look cold, quick, put on this Manolo Blahnik coat and muffler, and get a bit of L'Oreal Rouge No. 6 on those cheeks!
- Boleti: Heavens! The approach of Western capitalism is encroaching like rain - no, like a Swarovski Crystal simulacrum of rain!
- Chanterelle: Won't somebody take this lovely Fujitsu Siemens Amilo A1630?
- Graziela: Not sure, it must have 3 USB processors and Firewire...
- Boleti: And I hear they give the user unspeakable nipple creep...
- Cep: Never mind that - we have this beautiful Christian Lacroix wedding dress, with free Bollinger '68 for the happy occasion.
- Bert: We must get married. It will represent the union of the prose and the passion, the SkinKindly and the Radox ShowerFresh of our souls
- Boleti: Darling!
- Morel: Oh shut up, he's talking to me
- Graziela: No, he's talking to me! I accept, o shoeless Bert! Have a pair of tan Dr Martens as an engagement gift!
|
| A Chekhovian interface with a Cartier bracelet |
| Eye of 9 and tongue of 12 | Butcher Beynon: Bess, that'd never happen to us. Not for us the rigours of starvation. All Llaregyb is sated with the blood of the butcher's and never asks where it all comes from. And now I'm off to feed the corgies, with my little cleaver... |
| 21 | Heathrow Terminal 4, using the Tissue Compression Eliminator to cut young master Tuj down to size, and decreasing Tardis Velocity in a dimensional trap |
| Vanilla Gallifrey Crescent |
| 10 simmered with the juice of 11 | Mrs Beynon: Oh Mr Beynon! Next you'll be telling me we're eating miniaturised aunts from the vice-dens of London! Oh I fear for this village indeed I do |
| 22 | [Bert seizes a smouldering plank from the ruins of the house and proceeds to smash the wreckage repeatedly until the plank snaps. He then finds a shoe and smacks it rhythmically against his own head. Perhaps he wears glasses; if so, the glasses are knocked off and hit Graziela in the eye. Boleti wades in and nuts him. All three assume statue-like poses with frozen stares of horror as Bert speaks]- Bert: Fuck this for a laugh. Call this fucking wreckage, you should've seen what my place was like after me 21st. Shit, we was knee-deep in it, we'd put all our boots and chains and knives on, ready for a bit of fun Sat'dy night like, went down and saw the striking bus drivers, gave em suomething to strike about, made a noise like wet beef when they crumpled down in a heap like, fuck it were funny, then down the Roxy, took down a couple of old farts along the way, bunged a couple of sacks of oats at em while we was at it, by what larks we had. Funny
[Graziela moves. Adopting a spindly crab-like position, she approaches the front of the stage with an expression that simultaneously expresses grief and untold joy. Lighting up a cigarette, possibly Raffles or Berkeley but not Silk Cut, she surveys the wreckage about her and the audience in one movement. "Ooh what a beauty" emanates from an unseen gramophone] - Graziela: I'm sick of my house, I'm sick of my family. All it does is make me sick. Fucking sick I said. No company, no husband, no fucking sex. Fuck this for a game of soldiers. I'm going to get a fucking marriage if he kills me. I want some fun, I want oats, I want answers, I want porridge
- Boleti: Shit, I want this I want the fucking world, daft bint maybe I should fucking marry you, then I'd show you something about the world. This is 1974, what you expect from a transitional period except a bunch of disasters to moan about? [Freezes again in hideous angry position]
- Graziela: That's settled then
|
| Berkoff |
| Not to be confused with Chekhov | Mrs Ogmore-Pritchard: Cwrw, the young of the day, what they need is the voice of the vacuum and the fume of polish. My virtuous polar sheets and iceberg-white teeth stand testimony to the goodness of self-discipline. Now Mr Ogmore Linoleum and Mr Pritchard, other one, give me your tasks in order |
| 23 | Straightening... Bollocks |
| 101 tasteless uses for a Black & Decker workmate |
| A crude welding of 7&8 | Mr Ogmore: I must straighten my bollocks in the drawer marked 'Bollocks.' I must mend the Black&Decker which has a hole down the centre. I must take my balsam which makes everything tasteless. I must remove the 101 fleas on the dachshund by combing which is good for the dog. I must tell the workmate I will be delayed |
| 24 | |
| Moliere (still the pisspoor Bartlett sacrilege) |
| The merest smidgen of what's left of 2 | Mr Pritchard: I must use the French polish on the grime-caked stair-rods. I must put on rubber gloves and repent of my misanthropic tendencies. I must attend the school for husbands which is good for me. I must drag the artistes down to the coal-hole |
| 25 | Teleporting from Deserted Isle to Beam Me Down Spotty, to avoid the Attic attack |
| Jet Set and his Willy |
| I couldn't get out of it | Mrs Dai Bread Two: I see an orangery. And now it's vanished. Ach, the mean old clouds. I see a master bedroom and a hat-bearing little man with big pink lips. He hums an air of Grieg. Now he is dying seven times in furious pain in the priest's hole. He has a wall-eye |
| 26 | |
| Japanese No drama |
| Hurtling off from the strains of Moliere | Nogood Boyo: Would you like this stream-bedraggled kimono Mrs Dai Bread Two? It was I caught all day in the fast-flighting stream, politely writhing under my fishing tackle. Oh Mrs Bread. I want to be good Boyo, but nobody'll let me. |
| 27 | The frinting light beswam the trees
As morning brought the brestling breeze
When Stan the Brunter crocked his skin
And saw the ranxing Tharl come in |
| Kandra Woods |
| New furcation | Willy Nilly: There's a letter come all the way from Kandra, Mrs Mae Rose Cottage. A ranxing Tharl wants a bed for the night so he can blinge the franking snurls and freem the slobolinks all day and all night. I promise he won't dirty the sheets. He only wants a single bed -- he says |
| 28 | Scene 3. Enter two flies - Fly: COUGH COUGH HACK GRRAOMPH COUGH
- Fly: Something wrong?
- Fly: Not at all, I'm just a hoarse fly.
- Fly: Well I've seen a house fly...
- Fly: And I just saw a dragon fly... over that mountain and off to the castle
- Fly: I think he had a prince on his back, but going so fast it was just a blur
- Fly: Isn't it always the way, the prints are blurry when they come back? *sigh*
- Fly: Do you think they were happy?
- Fly: No, the Prince had a long face - and as for the dragon, well...
- Fly: Will he get to marry Graziela then?
- Fly: They'll certainly put the heat on the King to let them now
- Fly: He's got a burning ambition to do it. Good heavens! The entire left-hand side of the castle has just erupted into flames!
- Fly: Well, the castle's all right then
- Fly: Yes, but there's not much left
|
| Oh Yes It Is a Fly on the Wall! |
| Two parts 12, the rest 9 | Alfred Pomeroy Jones: The flies are my only company, my only friends, the only ones to see my tattoos of mermaids, hear my twisted body crack with age and sea-water, feel my earth-wettened skin-hairs crawl with the movements of creatures outside my wood-rotting coffin |
| 29 | Oh venerable Gazuga, thy smooth lizard warriors are as wild harts leaping over the mountains, basking only in thy radiance |
| Gazuga Worshipping |
| New, but very very old, furcation | Utah Watkins: Damn you, you damn gazuga! Get gone away from here you fat ugly wretch! Get him Harry you blind deaf dog! Sit on him, Daisy! Gallop him to death Swiveller! Fall on him you imperturbable clouds, you sky! |
| 30 | - Narrator: [in front of curtain] And then Prince Charming knew the dragons'
Word would be enough.
They both reminded him about
That other rascal, Puff
[Chorus of kids comes on, going "La la la la la la la la la la la..."]
A kind and gentle dragon, who
Would never harm a fly
And so he left to tell his folks
They'd just eat Shepherds' Pie - Chorus: Oh Prince Charming, it's so alarming
Will your dad be mad?
Graziella, what'll you tell'er?
She'll feel bad, not glad [Repeat until scene change is finished] Scene 3. Massive big-budget palace throne room, loads of fireworks & special effects - King Syze: [who looks like Elton John] Yeah I told you so long ago,
That the dragon guy had to go
'Cos I wanted his golden hoard
So you took ma armour and ma singin' sword
Now I heard about the rescue sooner
From ma daaarlin' daughter Laguna
She returned from the dreaded dragons' lair
She was ridin' on the back of a grizzly bear, I'm sayin' Good killing! You didn't quail
Or shy, or run, or faint,
There's not one scratch on your chain-mail
Hey, I'm gonna make you a saint!
I bet you've brought a ton of gold
To end this fine romance
My only pleasure's my reserves of treasure
But I just wanna dance! [Gigantic rock-opera dance number] - Prince Charming: I say, Majesty - what was that again?
- King Syze: I bet you've brought a ton of gold
To end this fine romance
My only pleasure's my reserves of treasure
But I just wanna dance! [Entire number again] - Narrator: And so Prince Charming had to tell
The king what he had done
It cast a blight on all the regal
Merriment and fun - King Syze: Oh useless prince, now all must see
The coward that you are.
I almost wrote a eulogy:
"Prince Charming, Superstar"
Now you must prove your kingly worth
By seven years of toil
You'll spend it digging up the earth
To prove you're brave, and loyal. And I think it's gonna be a long long time
Till Princess Graziela calls you "Mine"
You'll never see her til the years are done
Oh no no no,
I'm a horrid king [Horrid King!]
Forcin' you to work out there alone... - Narrator: Prince Charming worked out there alone
For seven fruitless years
Though never once did he complain
Or mutter threats, or curse.
And when the seven years were up
King Syze called him inside - King Syze: It's time to hand out payment, Prince
It's time to see your bride[Prince Charming draws back bride's veil to reveal Douglas Smith as Princess Laguna] Douglas Smith: I, Princess Laguna, will be playing
A heavyweight boxer at the weigh-in
Or possibly... CLIPCLOPgruntmunchmunchNEIGH!-ing - Prince Charming: Oh no, a horse! Quit the incessant braying!
- King Syze: I know it's not much, but it's the best I can do,
My gift is my daughter, and this one's for you.
Graziela's younger, and she's already wed.
She got bored of waiting, married Boleti instead I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind
That I gave her away
You should have come in here,
They got hitched yesterday So excuse me forgetting, but these things I do,
Azulejo was the best man - they were looking for you
It would have been better if you'd done as you're told
And slaughtered those dragons way back, and got me my gold I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind
That I gave her away
You should have come in here,
They got hitched yesterday Enter Graziela, Boleti, Azulejo and Chorus |
| Rice/Lloyd Webber |
| Jetting its way out of the realms of panto | Evans the Death: I remember it fifty years gone by, waking up in the snow-spattered village as the prince walked through, everyone in their finest frocks and fineries, dandied up like they'd be meeting their maker, then they caught a sight of his new princess in her shiny wig and earrings, let out a collective crow-splitting scream like the tide of the Apocalypse. Ach, I still wake up screaming to this night |
| 31 | | POPE NOT | QUALIFIED | OR | CELIBATE | SINCE | 1066 | | WIVES | | EXCEPT | IN | | FOR | | URSINE | , SAYS | INQUIRY - | | CARDINAL | | ACCORDING | TO | | PRIVILEGE | | SURGEON | , CLAIMS | ROYAL | SPOKESPERSON | | BENEFICENTLY | | VATICAN | WITHOUT | | - SHAME | | NOR | ALIEN | OR | | FEAR | | DENTIST | FROM | | CLAIMS | | CATHOLIC | - ALLEGATION | FROM | CARDINALS | OF | | UNDENIABLE | | GIBSON | PASSIONATE | | ENCOUNTER | | VERIFIED | WITH | WITH | | STUTTERING | | - DISAPPOINTED | NUNS | | , VAGUELY | | DENIED | BY | BEAR | ATTACK | | -ING | | APOLOGETIC | BROWBEATEN | | BEAR | | EVENTUALLY | ALTHOUGH | - BISHOP | | DISPUTED | | - RELIEVED | POPE'S | | HIMSELF | |
| Small HYPEarthquakes |
| Continuing 15, in the vein it was intended (reading down as well as across) | Rev Eli Jenkins: I never claimed the Pope was myself. All I did was pray for the less than five hundred souls, neither bad nor good, of the village below Llaregyb Hill, until tomorrow when I begin again the corporal works of mercy by bringing jelly and poems to the sick and needy. Look you |